Revision
Organization
| Overview on Revision | Framing an Argument | Titles and Introductions | Conclusions | Developing Arguments | Setting up Quotes | "Real Life" | Adding a Secondary Source
| Proofreading Day 1 - Organization
- Thesis statement: definition? Wording?
- Topic sentences
- Do Topic Sentences refer back to thesis and division?
- Does essay follow order of division?
- Reword for clarity?
- Provide a smooth transition between paragraphs from one division to another
- Where can you subdivide a division?
- Framing an argument in the paragraph
- Define terms?
- Explain how division will prove your point.
- Titles and Introductions
- Sources
- Two kinds: literary criticism; content/informational
- Where to include sources?
- What are good sources? What are not so good sources? What are the sources that I should avoid like the plague?
- Where to find sources? Homework: find at least two sources, annotate, and bring it to next class
Day 2
- Making arguments
- Using repetition (Honzell's first body paragraph)
- Explaining how individual words explain your point or contribute to your meaning (student example)
- "Camping out" -- using argumentative discourse: before and after example; and try this list of words/phrases to stake out your tent . . . to continue the camping out metaphor. . .)
- Using descriptions ("real life") to make your point clearer (student example)
- Setting up an argument in a paragraph (again)
- Setting up quote
- Time to have fun: Engaging the Reader
- Incorporating secondary sources
- Avoiding plagiarism (worksheet)
- Setting up quote (student examples)
- Explaining quote
Review of argumentative revision strategies
- Repetition between sentences to keep reader focused
- Requoting a particular word
- Argumentative discourse: sentence patterns; questions
- Spelling out/working out the ramifications of what occurred in a particular scene
- Creating a scenario or scene to illustrate a point
- Setting up argument in paragraph
- Setting up quote
- Engaging reader . . . having fun.
In class work
Secondary Sources
- Determine where the secondary source would help your argument
- Set up source by providing credentials and foreshadowing for reader what to focus on in the quote from the source
- Explain how the quote supports your argument.
See How To Incorporate Secondary Sources and Secondary Sources for more specifics.
Overview on Revision
Adapted from The Concise Guide to Writing
The goal of revision is simple: to make your essay more
accurately express what is on your mind to another person. You'll find
that even though you've spend hours planning and writing a first (or
second, or third) draft, your essay will still need work if your goal
is (as it should be) to fully communicate your ideas. You have two
choices: 1) give up and watch reruns of Happy Days,
or 2) roll up your sleeves and get work. Surprisingly, experienced
writers know that good writing takes many drafts, and thus know that
the real writing doesn't begin until the first drafts are out of the
way. Then they discover ways to delete, move, rephrase, and add
material in order to say what they want to say more clearly and
thoughtfully.
While a first draft (or zero draft) is a time for low
expectations, when you shift from drafting to revision, the times
change: it's now time for high expectations. Don't be satisfied with
what's written: keep pushing yourself to make it more interesting and
more specific. In fact, I've found that the students who are sure that
"this is the best paper I've written" often need more work on their
essays, while the students who aren't fully satisfied with their work
often do well.
What these latter students have is a positive attitude
towards writing. They realize that essays aren't "born" (i.e. written
in one or two sittings), but are "made" by attention to details. This
positive attitude is crucial when you look in despair at your first
draft and think "Uh oh!" Don't just give up if you think most of your
essay isn't any good (most writers feel this way). The key is to divide
the work into a series of steps: start with just your organization,
then rest, then work on individual paragraphs, one at a time. This
makes the revision process seem less onerous -- it may even make it fun.
View the Draft
Objectively
To revise, you must read your draft objectively, to see if it actually
says what you intended it to say. If you can, put the draft aside for a
day or two. Getting critical comments from another reader (get them to
answer the specific revision questions in the textbook instead of just
reading it and then asking "well, whadda' think?") can also help you to
view the draft more objectively.
Reconsider Your
Purpose and Audience
Take another look at the assignment sheet and the textbook. Are you
fulfilling the purpose? Ask yourself what you are trying to accomplish.
Does your purpose still seem appropriate for these particular readers?
How could you modify the essay to make it more effective? Consider each
problem and possible solution in light of your overall writing strategy.
Revise in Stages
After your organization is clear, focus on one paragraph at a time,
make sure it is focuses on one topic and logically moves from sentence
to sentence. Now's the time to add those descriptive details that help
the reader "see" your point.
Look at Big
Problems First
Organize, organize, organize. Identify major problems that keep the
draft from achieving its purpose. Does the essay have a clear thesis,
clear divisions, and clear topic sentences? Are the ideas interesting
and well developed? Does the essay have all the features that readers
will expect? (again, look at assignment sheet and textbook).
Focus Next on
Clarity and Coherence
Consider the beginning. How well does it prepare readers for the essay?
Look at each section of the essay in turn. Do the paragraphs proceed in
a logical order? Are there appropriate transitions to help readers
follow from one point to the next? Are generalizations firmly and
explicitly connected to specific details, examples, or supporting
evidence?
Save Stylistic
Changes and Grammatical Corrections for Last
Do not focus on word choice or sentence structure until you are
generally satisfied with what you have written. Then carefully consider
your style and diction. Focus primarily on key terms to be sure they
are appropriate and well defined.
Organization
As you probably remember from English I, real writing
starts after your rough draft is finished: and since your rough draft
is finished, it's time to start really writing. To give you a clearer
idea of the kind of writing expected in this course, below you'll find
several sample paragraphs from previous students that you should use as
a guide as you work your way through your revisions. And of course the
plural "revisions" in the previous sentence means that, just as the
writing process involves several steps, revision works best when you
take it in stages. The first stage, as the heading above suggests, is
organization.
The following work is from Janet Honzell's final draft.
Thesis Statements And Topic
Sentences
In the sentences below, you'll find the skeleton of an
essay. First is the thesis and what follows are the topic sentences
that start each of the student's paragraphs. Two things from this
example you should look to include in your own essays are the
repetition of the words from the divisions, and that several paragraphs
were used for one division. Note, as well, how the rather blunt
repetition doesn't seem stiff -- in fact, it helps the sentences stay
connected.
Definition and thesis
Like me, the author of
“Everyday Use,” Alice Walker, agrees that heritage lies in our family
memories and traditions rather than in the items passed down to us.
Walker believes that our family histories have more value than any item we may be given. She shows us
this in the story through her views of education, of the Black
Nationalist Movement, and through the Johnson family's handmade quilts.
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Topic sentences
Walker shows us that she
approves more of the school of life than the school of higher education
mainly through Mrs. Johnson.
Walker also shows us why
she prefers the school of life to the school of higher education
through Dee.
Yet we see the contrast
Walker makes between Dee's schooling and Maggie's when Mrs. Johnson
states, “Sometimes Maggie reads to me. She stumbles along good
naturedly” (73).
Walker also criticizes Dee's character when her education led her to be involved in the Black
Nationalist Movement.
We can see some of the
Black Nationalists' ideas in Dee when she goes home to see her mama and
Maggie.
Through the family's
handmade quilts, Walker again makes it very clear that Dee has failed
to understand what heritage is.
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Framing the Argument in a
Paragraph Readers
often need additional information after your topic sentence to help
them understand the connection between your division and thesis.
This helps you frame or set up the argument for your reader by
helping them "see" the point you're going to make in the
paragraph. Consider the examples below. Draft
Gimpel is not a fool
because he displays self-control throughout the story. A
prime example of this is when Gimpel walks in on his wife sleeping with
another man.
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Revision
Self- control is something
many people struggle to attain but Gimpel knows exactly when to use it.
In a stressful situation it can become easy to act on impulse and say
things that are not meant. It is better to remove yourself from the
situation and think of the possible outcomes that will come from your
actions. A prime example of this is when Gimpel walks in on his wife
sleeping with another man.
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Titles
and Original and then Revised Introductions
In academic writing, colons are often used in titles to
separate a "catchy" title from a more specific one. See below for an
example
Where
Angels Fear to Tread: Holy Wisdom in "Gimpel the Fool"
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This allows you to be creative yet clearly state the
subject of your essay.
Introductions
If the purpose of an introduction is to engage the
reader and provide an overview of your topic, and the purpose of your
rough draft was to get your thoughts down, it's probably time to
rewrite your introduction. Try the following suggestions -- and
remember that in literary essays, you should mention the authors and
titles you'll be covering.
- analogy
- contemporary/historical events
- explain focus of essay
- personal connection
See below for several before and after introductions.
Original
#1
Symbolism lays
an important role for an author when he/she is forming a novel.
Symbolism is one of the most widely used literary tactics for hiding a
meaning in a novel or story. In “A Rose for Emily” William Faulkner,
the author, uses symbolism to show the withering of the Southern
aristocracy. Faulkner does this through his vivid descriptions of Miss
Emily's house and possessions, Miss Emily's love interest, and the
change in government.
Revised
#1
Picture a
beautiful rose given to a lovely woman by her one and only love. The
rose starts to wither and than eventually turns completely black. An
author writing a story may use change from something beautiful to
something dark to symbolize the fading of the couple's love. Symbolism
is a widely used tactic for authors who want to ‘hide' useful pieces of
information, William Faulkner does this quite well in his story “A Rose
for Emily.” He uses vivid descriptions of Miss Emily's house and
possessions, her personal life, and the subtle change in government to
symbolize the withering of the Southern aristocracy.
Better work here developing an
idea that pulls reader into story.
Original
#2
For walker,
heritage, in Everyday Use, is taking pride in where one comes from and
she proves this by telling us where they live, what they do, and about
the quilts. Heritage is based on appreciation, acceptance, and
contentment. To appreciate who you are and where you are from, one must
accept themselves and be happy with not only themselves but their
family too.
Revised
#2
For Alice Walker, heritage in “Everyday Use,” is
taking pride in where one comes from and she proves this by telling us
where they live, what they do, and about the quilts. Growing up ashamed
of your family, or even ashamed of your true self, does not show pride
in heritage. Alice walker shows the two differences of pride and shame
when she writes this story. Dee and Mrs. Johnson, the mother and oldest
daughter, in this story symbolize these two perceptions of heritage.
This introduction could use
more work -- it's essentially the same as the original.
Original
#3
As
life-shattering events unfold around us on a daily basis, there is an
increasing need to have faith, and to believe in the very people
intertwined in our lives. We search for truth and understanding on the
difficult journey we call life, constantly struggling. We struggle to
find credibility in everyday occurrences, as Gimpel searched for in
Issac Bashevis Singer's “Gimpel the Fool”. Is Gimpel a fool for needing
to believe in those around him and using his faith to guide his
actions? When a man seeks advice from wiser men, acts with caution and
lives his life believing and trusting his faith, he is clearly not a
fool.
Revised
#3
Events such as
the recent string of devastating hurricanes, the war in Iraq and even
the events that unfolded on September 11th, 2001, force us to confront
our relationships with others. They lead us to search for truth and
understanding on the difficult journey we call life. But sometimes
smaller, more personal struggles, like harassment from a boss at work,
rude neighbors, or problems in a relationship, can lead to a similar
revaluation. This more personal struggle is faced by the character
Gimpel in Issac Bashevis Singer's “Gimpel the Fool.” The story involves
Gimpel's search for peace in a hostile environment. The title and the
story raises a question: is Gimpel a fool for needing to believe in
those around him and using his faith to guide his actions? It becomes
clear in the story that three qualities in Gimpel, seeking advice from
wiser men, acting with caution, and living his life believing and
trusting his religious faith, show that he is not a fool.
Extensive revisions here. The
result? An intro that pulls the reader in and sets up the essay.
Original
#4
Gimpel, in
“Gimpel The Fool” is not really a fool because of his ability to have
faith, believe, and forgive others. A fool is defined as one who lacks
judgment, sense, or understanding. Although Gimpel is called a fool by
his peers, the story suggests otherwise as his actions show that rather
than lacking these characteristics, he possesses them.
Revised #4
Many people can recall knowing
someone back in middle school that was usually picked on or teased.
During those years, I was very shy and quiet, which made me an easy
target to ridicule. One thing I never did was open my mouth and talk
back to the people that teased me. I, like Gimpel in Issac Bashevis
Singer's “Gimpel The Fool” knew that talking back would only cause more
problems and make me look like a fool -- like one of them. So I, like
Gimpel, quietly accepted their teasing. Did that make me a person who
"lacks judgment, sense, or understanding"? Did that make me a fool?
Isn't it better to forgive? Although Gimpel is called a fool by his
peers since he believed all the lies they told him, the story suggests
otherwise as his actions show that he has the ability to have faith,
accept, and forgive others.
Again, extensive revisions here.
The personal connection worked well as did the shift to the story.
Revised #5
Heritage: The Unending Link between Families
When
I was young, my aunt gave me a golden bracelet for being a flower girl
in her wedding. To many, a bracelet’s only purpose is to be worn around
the wrist as an outfit accessory, but for this particular golden
bracelet it stands for much more. When the two ends are brought
together, it forms a circle; a shape that is never-ending and symbolic
for unity. The symbolic nature of the bracelet signifies the
relationship my aunt and I share and it also reminds me of all the
memories that were experienced together. I consider this to be a part
of my heritage and plan to one day make it a tradition with one of my
nieces. Receiving that bracelet was very special and when the only
connection between relatives is the heritage they share, every piece of
family history becomes that much more important. Hassan M. A. Al
Naboodah, the Dean of the Libraries at the United Arab Emirates
University, believes that “the preservation of heritage ensures
continuity between the generations.” In the short story “Everyday Use,”
Alice Walker delves deeper into the meaning of heritage through the
portrayal of a family’s lifestyle choices. Walker expresses her view of
heritage as the connection between relatives. She portrays this by
having Mrs. Johnson make daily use of family heirlooms, preserve the
traditional value of the name “Dee,” and patch together old quilts with
memorable clothing from family members.
Conclusions
Avoid merely summing up your main points
(sure to invoke the yawn reflex). Try to answer or refer back to your
introduction -- this creates a kind of "circle" for the reader and
results in a very satisfying read.
You can also answer the question "What's it all mean?" Now that
readers have completed the essay, what larger meaning can they derive
from your arguments?
Developing
an Argument
For a detailed example of what an argument looks like,
let's look at Ms. Honzell's first few body paragraphs.
Walker shows us that she
approves more of the school of life than the school of higher education
mainly through Mrs. Johnson. Walker portrays the school of life as the
memories or traditions we learn from our family rather than an item
that is given to us after a loved one dies. As we look at Mrs.
Johnson's character, we see that her professional education went as
high as the second grade. However the story shows that she was educated
by life itself. Mrs. Johnson still churns butter in the
their family churn – the same churn that was whittled by her father and
uncle. She can kill and fix a hog for meat for their family dinner as
well as any man and make a quilt as well as any woman. She is used to
working hard outside as well as inside. Mrs. Johnson was born in the
time when things were hard and black people still did not trust a white
person in fear of being beaten. With this fear, you have to believe
that she had been raised seeing racism at its worst. What we see in
Mrs. Johnson, however, is that growing up with that legacy had also
given her a sense of pride and freedom. We recognize this sense of
pride and freedom when Mrs. Johnson is describing herself. She says her
"fat keeps me hot in zero weather. I can work outside all day, [and
break] ice for washing" (72). We have to remember that during the
period of slavery, the masters expected their slaves to do these types
of chores no matter what the weather was like or the conditions were.
Mrs. Johnson grew up with the knowledge of her ancestors' lives and
because of this she knows who she is, what she can do, and she makes no
apologies for her lifestyle. Instead of being ashamed of her lifestyle,
she takes pride in it, knowing that she is continuing the family's
rural traditions. Showing this pride and making Mrs. Johnson a positive
character suggests that Walker, like Mrs. Johnson, believes our
memories and knowledge of our ancestors' lives is what makes us who we
are.
Walker also shows us why
she prefers the school of life to the school of higher education
through Dee. The professional schooling Dee received made her feel that
she was superior to their family and others. We see how Walker looks
down on this when Dee reads to Mrs. Johnson and Maggie. Mrs. Johnson
states, Dee would be "forcing words, lies" upon them (72). She "pressed
us to her with the serious way she read, to shove us away at just the
moment, like dimwits, we seemed about to understand" (73). Mrs.
Johnson's choice of words – such as "forcing" and "pressed us," "shove
us away" – show us how belittled she felt as she sat under her
daughter's authority. She seems to feel trapped without a means of
escape until Dee is finished with them. It seems Dee used her education
to hang over people's heads rather than to help others become better
educated themselves. Here, we see the distaste Walker has for higher
education. She shows us during these reading times there are no
memories, traditions, or compassion worth being passed on to the next
generation. |
One of the elements that makes this a satisfying read
is the clear organization that guides you through the paragraphs, with
each topic sentence referring clearly back to her division. Note how
her first topic sentence repeats the focus word "education" from the
division, allowing the reader to quickly think "Oh yeah, she did say
she was going to talk about education."
Notice that the next paragraph expands further on the
idea of education – and to be sure the reader doesn't get lost, Janet
again uses repetition – "school of life" – to guide the reader through
her information.
Oddly, the repetition of focus words from the division
statement doesn't seem forced or unnatural, which is something to keep
in mind as you revise your own thesis and topic sentences.
Use repetition of key words (within reason, of
course) or synonyms within the paragraph to keep readers focused on the
topic of that paragraph. Think of them as a friendly nudge on the
shoulder of the reader that says "Hey you, this is my point – stop
thinking about what you'll have for lunch tomorrow and pay attention."
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Janet's meticulous explanations – repeating words from
quotes, using "Walker" to keep readers focused on thesis, etc. – makes
for a very convincing argument. I especially like how she makes the
story "come alive" in the third paragraph, imagining a scene under the
elm tree which vividly illustrates her argument that family memories –
school of life – is more important than the book knowledge of Dee.
While some additional proofreading would have smoothed out the rough
edges of her prose, overall, you read the paragraphs and have to say
"Yep, she's right" – which is the mark of a good argument.
You have to be the "ignorant reader;" thus as you
reread your essay, bombard it with the following questions, and be sure
your sentences answer them
- "What in the work backs up the point I'm making
here?"
- "Why did the author choose this way of saying
it?" (tone of words [angry, melancholy, excited, etc.])
- "How does this quote back up my point?"
- "What about the symbolism/connotations etc. of
this word?"
- "Why do I think this is important?"
- "What does this compare with in real
life/history/psychology/economics/etc.?"
- "If . . . then" sentence patterns
- Contrast or comparison
- Definitions of word
- Try using a verb from the following list to
shift into argument (see Verb
List page for sample sentences using these words)
-
agree argue
believe charge
claim
comment conclude consider
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criticize declare
describe define
discover
emphasize explain
feels
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illustrate imply indicate
reinforce
reveals
shows
suggests
supports
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Sample sentences to explain quotes might follow
these patterns
This ____ suggests
that _______
They indicate the ____
This emphasis on finding ______ suggests that
Supporting this idea of the fall of the aristocracy, the narrator adds
_______
The description reinforces the idea that ______
If Gimpel is ____ then _____
If heritage is ____ then _____
If Gimpel would continue _____ then _____
If Sammy would have _____ then _____
This kind of writing anticipates the kinds of
things a careful, respectful, thoughtful, intelligent reader (that's
me) will be looking for.
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Karen Schreiber does a fine of explaining her thinking
in the following paragraph. In particular, note how she doesn't stop at
the quote: her explanations are what make for a fine argument.
Her thesis was as follows
The townspeople are the
real fools and Gimpel is actually a more caring, wiser, and a much more
religious man then they are.
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One of her body paragraphs follows
In spite of the
townspeople's foolish behaviors, Gimpel remained a caring man. When he
was accused of calling everyone a liar, Gimpel thought to himself,
"What was I to do? I believed them and I hope at least that did them
some good"(79). Gimpel's thought process reveals his superior caring
nature. After continual harassment, Gimpel still cares enough about his
fellow man to hope they get some satisfaction. It is a much less
foolish thought to wish good on to others than it is to wish hateful
things, which Gimpel has every right to do. When Elka, Gimpel's wife,
gave birth to a child seventeen weeks after they were married and she
told him that the child was his, Gimpel reveals, "To tell the plain
truth, I didn't believe her..."(82). However, after the child was born
Gimpel says, "I began to forget my sorrow. I loved the child madly and
he loved me too"(82). Here Gimpel is showing his ability to care for a
child that he has been lied to about. A foolish man might have turned
the child away, but Gimpel seems to understand that a child needs love
and that the baby itself had nothing to do with the betrayal.
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The example paragraphs below offer a mixture of writing
that's strong and writing that needs work.
Example 1 The description of Emily's house suggests the
death and decay of the upper class. Readers and authors alike depend
on the description of the setting in a story to give them a
sense of atmosphere, a better understanding of the characters and above
all, the message of the story. Take for example, the pitiful
description of Emily's home. William Faulkner illustrates that "it was
a big, squarish frame house that had once been white, decorated with
cupolas and scrolled balconies in the heavily lightsome style of the
seventies, set on what had once been our most select street" (308).
During the Pre-Civil War time, a person’s home and land were looked
upon as a way to measure their wealth. The more a home was
“larger than life”, the wealthier, more powerful
and higher up in society the person who owned it was.
Faulkner notes that Emily’s home was once “an eyesore among
eyesores” (308). This suggests that Emily was once of a high
class in the Old Southern society because of her once impressive
home. The writer adds that "only Miss Emily's house was left, […]
decay above the cotton wagons and the gasoline pumps” (308). The
decaying of this once magnificent stronghold has become the physical
representation that the Old South is dying off. Emily's home has become
a remnant of what the Old South once was. The readers no longer see the
wealthy and power of the Old South, but
rather the extinction of an old Southern lifestyle. In the
same way the author uses our sight to demonstrate the message of the
story; he also uses our sense of smell to stress the importance of the
decaying home. Faulkner describes that her home
"smelled of dust and disuse- a close, dank smell"(309). This emphasizes
the decay and death of people in the upper-class. Those of the Old
South are now dust in the cold and dank ground; a place where
they are no longer of use. Nonetheless, no longer does
the Old South live in its glory days, but rather in its death
through Emily's decaying home.
Example 2
Decay is not only evident in Emily's physical being, but also in her
home. The house too serves as a mirror for the Southern
aristocracy's deterioration. Like Emily, the house's decay truly sets
in after the death of Emily's father and the loss of her lover, Homer
Barron. Initially, the smell was the first indication of
decay, which was cured when the townspeople "broke open the cellar door
and sprinkled lime there, and in all the outbuildings"(30).
Then came the visual decay: "It was a big, squarish frame
house that had once been white, decorated with cupolas and spires and
scrolled balconies in the heavily lightsome style of the seventies, set
on what had once been our most select street"(28). The
outside deterioration and smell were the only public indications, since
"no one save an old manservant-a combined gardener and cook-had seen
it[inside the house] in at least ten years"(28).
Example 3
Just as her house represented the decay of Southern aristocracy,
Emily herself represented the last bastion of Southern nobility.
Emily's refusal to relinquish the past, a past steeped in tradition and
heritage, had become a symbol of decay and deterioration. To
illustrate, Emily -- once a young delicate flower of Southern
womanhood -- had grown into a frumpish old woman: "She looked bloated,
like a body long submerged in motionless water, and of pallid hue"
(29).
Emily's body had become fat and out of proportion in the same way
that the old South had become out of proportion with the rising
generation of Southerners. In addition to this physical deterioration,
Emily's mental state was also on a rapid decline. Her steadfast
refusal to deny the present and
hold on to past caused her much mental grief and anguish. Emily
denied the death of Colonel Sartis, a member of the old
generation of Southerners. Colonel Sartis was a link to the South's
once glorious days. She admonished the deputation "See Colonel Sartis I
have no taxes in Jefferson" (30). In refusing to accept that the
Colonel was dead she was further able to deny the demise of Southern
aristocracy and the birth of the new South. Emily was gradually
becoming more mentally unstable. The refusal to also acknowledge the
death of her father years before also illustrates her precarious mental
state. When her dear father died she did not don mourning clothes and
act as a grief stricken daughter might. Instead she denied his passing
to herself and the townsfolk who had made a condolence call. It was not
until the authorities were almost called that she allowed his
decomposing body to be buried. As Emily's grasp on reality began
to rapidly wane, her denial of the death and decay that surrounded her
was also mounting. Her mental state had so deteriorated that when her
Yankee lover tried to leave her she refused to let him go. She chose to
poison him and to keep the decaying corpse in a shrine like room, a
fitting tribute to the death and deterioration of her house, herself
and Southern aristocracy.
The obvious question is which paragraph works better?
It's clear that example three, with its detailed explanations and
examples, makes a convincing argument.
Use
"Real Life" Comparisons/Descriptions to explain a quote
When making connections/explanations from the example to
your argument, try comparing the quote/situation to "real life" – how
do people, in general, react to such events/statements. Example? Okay.
In an essay on Sammy (of "A&P" fame) as an everyday hero, you
can compare his character flaws with the apparent absence of such flaws
in a stereotypical hero like a New York firefighter (of course, you
would note how the first person point of view helps reveal Sammy's
flaws). Since ignorant readers don't usually grasp your explanation the
first time, you need to compensate by explaining how your quote
supports your argument from several different perspectives. Keep in
mind that this – the explanation – is the basis of your argument, and
the quality of your argument, not the work you put into the essay, or
your great examples, is what determines your grade.
You can also, as Ms. Honzell does below, develop an argument by working out an implied point:
Yet, we see the contrast
Walker makes between Dee's schooling and Maggie's when Mrs. Johnson
states "Sometimes Maggie reads to me. She stumbles along
good-naturedly" (73). Walker uses this contrast to show that, in her
view, stumbling along is much more important than forcing words on
others as Dee did. Mrs. Johnson seems to enjoy Maggie reading to her.
We can almost picture Maggie and her mama sitting together under the
elm tree laughing while Maggie sounds out words in the book. There is
no belittling during this reading time, only pure enjoyment and
pleasure. Walker uses these reading times to make her argument for the
school of life. We are led to observe the happy memories Maggie's
reading evokes in her mama and compare them to the unhappy memories
that were stirred up when Dee read to her family. This negative
connotation leads us to see Dee's view of heritage as cold, lacking any
deep feelings or compassion.
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Engaging Readers
If
your readers are lulled asleep by your prose, then you aren't going to
convince them. Try using descriptive words, imagery, and
analogies to keep the reader engaged with your work, and in the
process, persuaded that your arguments are valid.
In the
paragraphs below, you can see how Lucia moves from just stating her
argument to grabbing you by the collar and pulling you in: she makes it
clear that there’s a distinctive – and intelligent – voice behind these
words. And that is a good place to leave your readers.
Rough draft: (Labeled “Worst Draft Ever” by Lucia)
Thesis: John Updike’s “A&P” is a critique of American society
because of Sammy’s negative view of the dominant tribe within A&P,
his acquired sympathy for the girls, and his struggle against the
majority.
Sammy’s struggle begins with his poor image of the
customers and workers of A&P. He often refers to the customers as
“sheep” when he speaks of them as groups, an idea reinforces when Sammy
notes “the sheep pushing their carts down the aisle- the girls were
walking against the usual traffic (not that we have one-way signs or
anything)- were pretty hilarious” (pg. 410, paragraph 5). One does not
need to that example to know sheep all think alike and follow each
other blindly. This “sheep” mentality is not limited to the customers.
Acknowledging that he and his coworker Stokesie are similar (he’s
married with two babies chalked up on his fuselage already, but as far
as I can tell that’s the only difference” [pg. 411, paragraph 9]), he
also scoffs at Stokesie’s dream of someday becoming a manager. With
that being said, it’s no surprise Sammy’s opinion of Lengel is not much
better, using words such as “dreary and “gray” to describe him. His
description of the sheep and his coworkers blend together to paint a
lackluster, monotonous landscape within A&P; a cycle of
predictability that Sammy does not fit.
| Final Draft
Thesis: John Updike's "A&P" illustrates a critique of 1960's
through the narrator's negative view of the dominant tribe within
A&P, his sympathy for the girls, and his struggle against the
majority.
Sammy's place among the tribe of A&P allows him a negative view of
his coworkers and customers. In the early 1960's, a young man of his
age would have been expected to secure a job and marriage. Updike
provides hints to Sammy's hesitation to follow said path through the
strong contrast. Stokesie serves as a glimpse
into a possible future. He is described by Sammy as "married with two babies
chalked up in his fuselage already, but as far as I can tell that's the
only difference. He's twenty-two and I was nineteen this April" (411).
Despite their similarities, Sammy seems to view him as a chump because
of his marital status, and scoffs at Stokesie's managerial aspirations,
suggesting a lack of satisfaction in that possibility. Lengel, the
store's manager, also provides an important contrast as the embodiment
of traditional values. Painted as "pretty dreary, teaches Sunday
school, and the rest” (412), Updike sculpts a figure that represents
the humdrum results of the 9-5, the religious influence that permeated
through 1960’s America, and a suggestion that the whole package-
imagine the button-up shirt, the white picket fence, the meat loaf
awaiting in the oven- comes vacuum-sealed within a simple series of
choices (See Stokesie).
However, most of Sammy’s displeasure
is concentrated on the customers of A&P whom he dubs “sheep”. Being
a member of the staff, coupled with his dislike of the day-to-day
American lifestyle, gives him a vantage point where he observes their
repetitious cycle of behavior in an almost comedic light: “the sheep
pushing their carts down the aisle- the girls were walking against the
usual traffic (not that we have one-way signs or anything)- were pretty
hilarious [. . .] I bet you could set off dynamite in an A&P and
the people would by and large keep reaching and checking oatmeal off
their lists [. . . .] But there was no doubt, this jiggled them”
(410-411). But all jokes aside, it is important to
acknowledge the derogatory connotations attached to the term “sheep”:
people on auto-pilot, going mindlessly about their business. Sammy’s
attitude allows the reader to see not only the fallacies in this
lifestyle, but also how he is different from these people.
| Lucia's
prose snaps, crackles and pops, ensuring that your eyes stay on the
page and that your brain stays active. It also convinces you that
her analysis is valid -- which is the goal of any analytical writing,
be it an explanation of how the First Amendment means limits need to be
placed on campaign financing, or an internal corporate report on the
regulatory advantages of contributing to political campaigns.
Analysis rules . . . in more ways than you think.
© David Bordelon
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