English II Proofreading

Proofreading

Lesson Plans
Course Documents
Links
Library Links
Secondary Sources

Citing Sources
Writing Center

English II Home Page

Dr. Bordelon's English II On Campus

Proofreading

"No Iron can pierce the heart with such force as a period put just at the right place."
Isaac Babel

Let's eat grandma!
Let's eat, grandma!

Proofreading at The New Yorker

Rule of thumb No. 4: In editing, the first reading of a manuscript is the all-important one. On the second reading, the swampy passages that you noticed in the first reading will seem firmer and less draggy, and on the fourth or fifth reading, they will seem exactly right. That's because you are now attuned to the writer, not to the reader. But the reader, who will read the thing only once, will find it just as swampy and boring as you did the first time around. In short, if something strikes you as wrong on first reading, it is wrong, and a fix is needed, not a second reading.

Proofreading in the wild . . . .

It's important to note that, in the heat of drafting and revision, mistakes are fine, and even necessary to ensure that you're getting all of your thoughts down on paper. But the relative cool of proofreading calls for a different kind of writing -- and reading.

Instead of looking at larger areas of improvement such as organization and development, it's time to s-l-o-w down and delete unnecessary words. Strive for clarity and precision. Work on varying your sentence lengths -- perhaps add a clause with a dash -- to keep the reader interested and, more importantly, to vividly convey your argument.

Note that I emphasize words here. While many consider proofreading the land of colons and commas, it is really the land of words -- and their prosaic relatives, punctuation. Often, what a sentence needs isn't a comma, but a rewrite.

The best way to proofread is to read your essay out loud, sentence by slow sentence, as someone else follows along with what you've written and asks questions on each sentence. This kind of line by line editing ensures that your meaning is clear and you've anticipated any questions a reader may have. If you can't get another critical reader (i.e. one that will read critically as opposed to just saying "yeah, that's good" for every sentence), you need to read the essay out loud to yourself and be honest when you ask yourself "Is this the best way to express this?" When you have to stop and fumble a bit with what you're saying, the poor reader (who has no idea of your intention or meaning) will be clueless: give them the clues they need by rewording awkward phrasing.

One final tip: proofread in stages. Complete a few paragraphs, take a break, and then come back to your essay. And of course you'll be proofreading several times . . . and wondering why you're still finding errors

How to set up Gdoc for sharing

Open Canvas
Open your Gdoc file (might need to copy and paste into a Gdoc)
Open sharing

Go to "General Access"
Click on "Restricted" and check "Anyone with link"
Click "Viewer" and then "Editor"
Click "Copy link"

Go to your Canvas Inbox and open an email to your class
Subject: Proofreading Copy -- paste Gdoc link in the textbox
Send to your two proofreading buddies.

Punctuation Workout

Colons
Consider these two versions of the same sentence:

Sammy's character suits the average teenager, spontaneous and easily able to do things without thinking about the consequences.

The second phrase -- "spontaneous . . ." -- is really an explanation/definition of the "average teenager" in the first clause. To set this up more clearly for the readers (and avoid a sentence fragment), try a colon: AKA the definitizer.

Sammy's character suits the average teenager: spontaneous and acting quickly without thinking about the consequences.

Better, right? The sentence now is like a set up and punch line -- and it's always good to knock the reader out. Note also the switch to "acting."

Setting up quotations

It is obvious that the rising generation viewed Emily differently: as the sole representative of this generation, the youngest alderman states, "[i]t's simple enough, send her word to have her place cleaned up. Give her a certain amount of time to do it in [. . .]" (30).

In addition to the colon which sets up the quote, note how the repetition of "generation" really tightens up the sentence. And note how the introductory phrase right before the quote prepares the reader to understand the quote as the writer does. Good work here.

To set up a list of divisions

O'Brien demonstrates that "truth" is the feelings felt and expressed by the narrator through three distinct events: the story about Ted Lavender's death, the death of Curt Lemon, and the narrator's story about the Vietnamese soldier that he killed.

To set up a repetition for emphasis: (note that this example also shows the need to set off quotes longer than four lines with block indent)

The second account of Lemon's death offers more details: details derived from a twenty year perspective.

Twenty years later, I can still see the sunlight on Lemon's face. I can see him turning, looking back at Rat Kiley, then he took that curious half step form the shade into the sunlight, his face suddenly browning and shining, and then his foot touched down, in that instant, he musette thought it was the sunlight that was killing him. (84)

In this account, the descriptions of the soldier's smiling face and the sunlight makes death seem almost benign.

To set up a quote

The first time the story is told, it is done so matter of fact that it is overlooked: "On the third day, Curt Lemon stepped on a booby-trapped 105 round. He was playing catch with Rat Coulee, laughing, and then he was dead. The trees were thick; it took nearly an hour to cut an LZ for the dust off" (78). The bald phraseology -- "and then he was dead" -- at once tells us everything and nothing.

and

But as we arrive at the conclusion of this short story, the narrator has this to say about his contact with the Robert: "I had my eyes closed, I thought I'd keep them that way for a little while" (458).

And I deserve extra points for not stooping to any easy "poop" jokes when mentioning colons.

Proofreading Check List

Delete: Take out any words which aren't needed
Clarify: Change any phrases that do not read clearly.
Engage reader: Add analogies, descriptions, examples, sharp phrasing to help readers "see" your point.
Cohesion: Use repetition to keep reader focused. Supply introductory phrases to quotes and use transitions to move readers through your ideas.

Words and Proofreading -- it's not just commas anymore.

Use the following chart for suggestions of words to avoid in academic writing.

You/we	This suggests you're speaking directly to the reader. But what if your reader has no problems communicating? It can also lead to pronoun problems. Instead use people, a person, some, they, males, females, English professors, etc.
huge, large, heavy	Used for physical size instead of emphasis. Instead use major, important
a lot	Too general for formal essays. Be specific. Instead use many, often, several, etc.
One	Avoid when using to refer to a person. Instead use A person, a man, a women, people, etc.
don't, won't	Avoid contractions in academic writing: a bit too informal. Instead use do not, etc.
the fact that	A bit wordy -- one of those empty phrases that merely slow down the reader. Instead use Actually, you can usually completely eliminate this phrase
Being that	Awkward wording -- sounds okay in oral speech, but usually doesn't work in standard written English Instead use Since, Because
in which	Can be awkward Instead use which or reword phrase

What to avoid: Summer 2011
Peer reviewer, asking a question about a particular sentence: "What did you mean here?"
Student writer: "I don't know. Honestly I just wrote"

The lesson? Write consciously: know why each word and/or sentence is included.

Sample Paragraphs

Before Proofreading
Sammy is an everyday hero because his character is flawed. Traditionally, a hero is a supreme being always succeeds in defeating adversaries leaving readers with a happy ending. In reality, heroes of such epic proportions do not exist. Instead, Sammy is a more realistic hero because while his intentions, on the surface, are righteous -- he Lengel "You didn't have to embarrass them" (18) -- his behavior -- calling a customer a "witch" (14), focusing on the girls' body parts -- reveals not a hero but a stereotypical young adult male who has no patience for others and who views women as sex objects. His flaws are also seen when he tries to respond to Lengel's "It was they who were embarrassing us" (18). Instead of a clever come back, he falters, and mumbles "something that came out 'fiddle-de-do'" (18).

After Proofreading
Sammy is an everyday hero because his character is flawed. Traditionally, a hero is a supreme being who gallantly defeats adversaries. In reality, such heroes do not exist. Instead, Sammy is a more realistic hero because while his intentions seem righteous -- he tells Lengel "You didn't have to embarrass them" (18) -- his behavior -- calling a customer a "witch" (14), focusing on the girls' body parts -- is contemptible. His flaws are also seen when he tries to respond to Lengel's comment about the conduct of the girls: "It was they who were embarrassing us" (18). Instead of a clever retort, Sammy falters, and mumbles "something that came out 'fiddle-de-do'" (18).

Another before and after

Revised Paragraph: Before Proofreading

Sammy is an everyday hero because his character is flawed. Traditionally, a hero is a supreme being always succeeds in defeating adversaries leaving readers with a happy ending. In reality, heroes of such epic proportions do not exist. Instead, Sammy is a more realistic hero because while his intentions, on the surface, are righteous -- he Lengel "You didn't have to embarrass them" (18) -- his behavior -- calling a customer a "witch" (14), focusing on the girls' body parts -- reveals not a hero but a stereotypical young adult male who has no patience for others and who views women as sex objects. His flaws are also seen when he tries to respond to Lengel's "It was they who were embarrassing us" (18). Instead of a clever come back, he falters, and mumbles "something that came out 'fiddle-de-do'" (18). This response humanizes him: we've all had that moment when we need a great come back, but become tongue-tied. These flaws invest his actions with a realism that fits the situation: a young man whose conscience has awakened and who, as the critic Gilbert Porter suggests, "has chosen to live honestly and meaningfully" (66). In the tradition of the classic unsung America hero who rides out of town, Sammy makes his stand at an American institution -- A&P -- and, according to Ronald E. McFarland, "achieves a certain degree of heroism" (61).

Revised Paragraph: After proofreading
Sammy is an everyday hero because his character is flawed. Traditionally, a hero is a supreme being who gallantly defeats adversaries. In reality, heroes of such epic proportions do not exist. Instead, Sammy is a more realistic hero because while his intentions seem righteous -- he tells Lengel "You didn't have to embarrass them" (18) -- his behavior -- calling a customer a "witch" (14), focusing on the girls' body parts -- is contemptible. His flaws are also seen when he tries to respond to Lengel's comment about the conduct of the girls: "It was they who were embarrassing us" (18). Instead of a clever retort, Sammy falters, and mumbles "something that came out 'fiddle-de-do'" (18). This response humanizes him; we've all had that moment when we need a great come back, but became tongue-tied. These flaws invest his actions with a realism that fits the situation. Sammy's actions reveal a young man whose conscience has awakened and who, as the critic Gilbert Porter suggests, "has chosen to live honestly and meaningfully" (66). Significantly, Sammy makes this decision, and according to Ronald E. McFarland, "achieves a certain degree of heroism" (61), at an A&P, an American institution which symbolizes the kind of mindless obedience that Sammy is fighting.

To work on in class

Jane Doe
Dr. Borderlon
English 152-17

The Uncertainty That Is Life

In life, redemption is one of those fickle terms, rarely in use outside church walls. Because the idea of redeeming another or achieving redemption in the twenty-first century, is simply odd. However, in the literary world, redemption nestles nicely in to the pages of Raymond Carver's works, especially "Cathedral" and "A Small, Good Thing." In both stories Raymond Carver suggests necessities for achieving redemption. Necessities that include an intrusion by an external force or being, physical or verbal contact with the intrusive force, as well as acceptance of redemption.
One of Carver's requirements for redemption is an intrusion by an external force or person. This intrusion aids in collapsing insulating barriers, Carver's characters create "for walling out threatening forces even as they wall themselves in" (Nesset, 52). This invasion is essential for the characters since liberation in Carver's literary realm, "is not a thing one finds and secures on one's own" (Nesset, 52). Thus, guidance is key to extracting the introverted narrator of "Cathedral," as well as Ann and Howard Weiss in "A Good, Small Thing." And this guide, be it blind man or baker, is "entering unexpectedly into one's life," to "help one along, leading one, if not toward insight, than at least away from the confining strictures of self" (Nesset, 52).

For essay #2

"Ignorance in America"\

Throughout history there have been average people that stood up for what they thought as right, knowing that if they did there would be serious consequences. For example during the civil rights movement, people like Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks and Malcolm X stood up for what they believed in and became leaders that are well known till this day. But there are those that you do not hear about because they were followers and did not have an opinion of their own. In the novel the Things They Carried, Tim O Brien shows the behaviors of followers during the Vietnam War and how they can be easily manipulated. He discussed the message of uncertainty about the war which is still relevant today, especially during the Iraq War. When it comes to making a life changing decision, people can be easily persuaded by others with deception, to change their perception, and because of ignorance.

Before proofreading

Those experiences in Vietnam that Norman Booker could not get out of him, by simply telling a story, ate him inside, "three years later hanged himself in the locker room of a YMCA" (155).

After proofreading

Because he could not tell his story, the demons from Vietnam ate him inside: as the narrator sadly notes "three years later he hanged himself in the locker room of a YMCA" (155).

Which sentence is more persuasive? As noted in the proofreading comments above, it's often the words, not the punctuation, that needs work.

Wordiness
Sometimes, a single word can mess up a sentence:

These examples are from two different essays

By making up stories about everything that happened in Vietnam aids O'Brien in making sense of everything that still doesn't seem like reality to him.

By taking this trip back to Vietnam was a way to relieve his conscious of guilt for a friend's death that he felt was his fault.

In both of these cases, the "By" that opens the sentence ends up causing confusion. The solution? Easy: delete it.

Transitions within paragraphs
Let's start with an example

Another way O'Brien truth is what is remembered and imagined is that imagination can be an extremely powerful aspect of a story. O'Brien insists that the unimaginable aspects of a story is the "truth" and the normal aspects are there to make the story believable. Since the war was so reluctant normal ideas are necessary to a story. "Often the crazy stuff is true and the normal stuff isn't, because the normal stuff is necessary to make you believe the truly incredible craziness" (O'Brien 71). In fundamental nature it would be difficult to believe a war story unless there are practical characteristics that go collectively in the story. In truth nothing really has to be true, however, in essence these actions may have happened one time or another during the way, it may not have been O'Brien's platoon but somewhere during the war these instances happened. "Tim O'Brien takes the act of trying to reveal and understand the uncertainties about the war one step further, by looking at it through the imagination" (Kaplan 383). According to O'Brien, these aspects are very well needed to make people feel the real drama of the war.

What's the main point of this paragraph? Can you "follow" this writer's argument?

Remember that when moving from sentence to sentence, readers must be able to follow your logic. This is accomplished by using transitions. The "This" in the previous sentence illustrates one way of knitting together your thinking/writing -- and is an important word to keep in mind. By referring back to "follow your logic," the "This" acts as a bridge, a connection between the two points you're making in your sentences. Another way to make a connection is to use words like "another" (for a list of such words, see below). Connections can also be made by repetition, as in this sentence where I repeat the word "connection" from the previous sentence. Using repetition and transition words keep readers focused on the main topic of your paragraph/idea, which in turn makes it easier for readers to follow your logic.

By now you should be wondering, "well, how do I come up with effective transitions?" Easy. Working one paragraph at a time, develop/brainstorm a list of synonyms or words/phrases associated with the focus of that paragraph (Example? In a paragraph on "work" you might include words like job, wages, time-clock, employer, employee, labor, etc.). Keep this list handy as you revise/proofread, and be sure to insert these words throughout the paragraph.

List of Transition Words

Adding a point: furthermore, besides, finally, in addition to, for example
Emphasis: above all, indeed, in fact, in other words, most important, in particular
Time: then, afterwards, eventually, next, immediately, meanwhile, previously, already, often, since then, now, later,
usually,
Cause and Effect: as a result, therefore, thus, since, because of this, consequently
Examples: such as, for example, for instance, one example, as an illustration, in particular
Contrast: but, however, in contrast, instead, nevertheless, on the other hand, though, still, unfortunately, on the contrary, yet
Similarity: like, also, likewise, similarly, as
Compare: also, similarly, likewise, as well, both, in the same way
To concede a point: certainly, granted, of course, no doubt

Transitions between paragraphs
Between paragraphs, the best technique is to repeat a word or idea from the previous paragraph. As usual, this is best illustrated with an example. Take a look at the following:

(1) It's these kinds of behaviors that make a person unlikable.
(2) In addition to his character flaws, the result of Sammy's "heroic" deed make him a realistic hero.

Without even reading the paragraph 1, you can tell the subject of it was _________. That's the advantage of repetition between paragraphs: you keep reminding the reader of your focus which means you keep reminding the reader of your argument, which means you keep your reader happy.

List of Transition Words

© David Bordelon