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Revising Body Paragraphs
After a quick quiz, we'll be focusing on five areas of
revision:
- Maintaining focus: Topic Sentence Rules All (checking quotes for
specificity; cohesion between sentences)
- Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself
and for quotes)
- Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
- Engaging the reader
- Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
We'll use sample student work to sharpen our eyes on what to look for, and then quickly move to in-class revision.
Sample
Student Work for Body Paragraphs
Example 1
For the example below, check for
- Maintaining focus (checking quotes for
specificity; cohesion between sentences)
- Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself
and for quotes)
- Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
- Engaging the reader
- Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
Sammy
is a realistic hero because his actions do not lead to fame or
glory. Sammy’s main character flaw is his age. He
acts on impulse rather than decisive thinking. His response
to the girls entering the store is of an impulsive young man.
John Updike starts the story with Sammy describing the young girls body
style and their clothing. This is what draws Sammy’s
attention because most of their customers put on more clothing in the
car and they are “usually women with six children and varicose veins
mapping their legs (pg 16).” Sammy is enthralled by these
young girls and their rebellious spirits. As the girls are
coming up the isle, Sammy sees his boss coming in and immediately knows
there will be a scene. His boss spots the girls and comes
right over. Sammy’s feelings about his boss are made clear
when he states that “Lengel's pretty dreary, teaches Sunday school and
the rest (pg 17).” The tone is of dislike and maybe even
distrust. So when his boss starts embarrassing the girls, his
dislike boils over and he acts impulsively to try and get the girls
attention. Sammy decides now is the time to quit his job in
honor of these innocent girls, along with hoping that the girls would
notice the valor in what he was doing.
Example 2
For the example below, check for
- Maintaining focus (checking quotes for
specificity; cohesion between sentences)
- Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself
and for quotes)
- Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
- Engaging the reader
- Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
Sammy
is an everyday hero because his actions do not lead to fame and
glory. It all begins with his manager, Lengel, walking over
to him and three girls in bikinis and telling them, “Girls, this isn’t
the beach” (17), twice, like they didn’t comprehend the first
time. Sammy notices Queenie blushing in embarrassment and
debates briefly whether he should do something to stick up for them,
and well, in their eyes, try to be a hero. The girls were “in
a hurry to get out” (18), of A&P so Sammy quickly made the
decision and said, “I quit” (18), in hopes that they heard
him. Lengel gave him a second chance by asking, “Did you say
something” (18) and Sammy repeated himself, “I said I quit”
(18). He knows his parents are going to be aggravated for his
reason of quitting when Lengel tells him that “you don’t want to do
this to your Mon and Dad: (18), and Sammy also knows that he’ll “feel
this for the rest of (his) life” (18). Sammy folded his
apron, placed his bow tie down, “punched the No Sale tab” (18) and
walks out. Granted, the young ladies were attractive and it
was obvious Sammy would have loved to get with at least one of them
because when he walk outside he “looked around for (his) girls, but
they’re gone” (18).
Example 3
For the example below, check for
- Maintaining focus (checking quotes for
specificity; cohesion between sentences)
- Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself
and for quotes)
- Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
- Engaging the reader
- Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
Sammy
is a realistic hero because his actions do not lead to fame and
glory. He does not benefit from trying to defend the
girls. He does not win a prize or money: he gets
nothing. Sammy defended the girls because of the way it made
him feel, “remembering how he made that pretty girl blush makes me so
scrunchy inside”(18). He also defended them because of the
way his manager made them feel. We’ve all taken a stand for
that friend who was getting picked on. Sammy is even more
believable through his actions because he thinks like any other
nineteen year old. “I uncrease the bill, tenderly as you imagine, it
just having come from between the two smoothest scoops of vanilla I had
ever known were there”(18). Now what nineteen year old
wouldn’t be looking at those? Of course, just as it happens so much in
real life, Sammy walks out of the A&P empty handed; no girls
and out of a job. Given this "reward," his heroism, instead
of the "photo on the front page" variety, is more
realistic, the kind that occurs every day and is never noticed.
Updike,
John. "A&P." Literature:
An Introduction to Fiction Poetry and
Drama. Ed. X. J. Kennedy and Dana Gioia. New York:
Longman, 2002. 16-20. Print.
Example 4
For the example below, check for
- Maintaining focus (checking quotes for
specificity; cohesion between sentences)
- Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself
and for quotes)
- Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
- Engaging the reader
- Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
The description of Emily’s house suggests the death and decay of the
upper classes. A house, from its style to location, represents
more than just shelter. A ranch in Brick suggests a working class
household, while a Victorian mansion in Bayhead suggests an investment
banker. The way the author describes the dust buildup and
staleness really gives you the feel not only of the house itself, but
of Emily. Because Emily was considered “upper class” no one dared to
confront her of her homes condition, or of the ungodly smell seeping
out. “It was a big squarish frame house that had once been white,
decorated with cupolas and spires and scrolled balconies in the heavily
lightsome style of the seventies, set on what had once been our most
select street.” (28) The description of this house sets it apart from
the neighborhood. I believe Emily decayed and deteriorated with her
house.
Example 5
For the example below, check for
- Maintaining focus (checking quotes for
specificity; cohesion between sentences)
- Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself
and for quotes)
- Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
- Engaging the reader
- Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
The description of Emily’s
house suggests the death and decay of the upper classes. Emily’s once
prestigious house that is “set on what had once been our most select
street” (79), is now a crumbling, sad reminder of what once was. At one
point in time, the upper class was looked up to by the lower member of
society, and put up on a pedestal, but as society began to change and
the community around began to transform, the upper class became a blurb
in the background. Beautiful, grandiose homes with their acres of
farmland were the focus but now, “garages and cotton gins had
encroached” (79), suggesting that now a new kind of norm had begun to
take over. A home filled with leather and gold, supported by detailed
architecture, and was once the symbol of wealth and prosperity is now
simply, “an eyesore amongst eyesores” (79). The transition into a new
standard for society had begun, with resistance from the generation
before, like a beauty queen refusing to pass the crown to the new
winner. A stubborn beacon stands, like Miss Emily’s house and refuses
to be washed away into the tides of change. The upper class is no
longer the symbolic icon that identified the times, a new movement had
begun and take charge of the divisions of society. Like a fallen hero,
standing amongst the wreckage, Miss Emily’s beloved fortress stands,
“lifting its stubborn and coquettish decay” (79), refusing to be
swallowed up by the new generation that had slowly taken over.
In Class
Work
For the remainder of the class, review your own paragraph,
concentrating
on
- Organizing information and staying on topic:
- What background information needed to set up
paragraph?
- Delete material that doesn't fit
- Where can quotes be narrowed down -- stopped and then started again? Where are new quotes needed? Use only a few words instead of the entire sentence?
- What sentences can be moved for clearer organization?
- Setting up the quotes (and citing correctly)
- Provide a context/introduce the quote instead of
just dropping it in.
- Sammy knew that he was not going to be like a
typical hero and "get the girl" at the end of the story. As he walks
out into the parking lot, he looks for "my girls," but resignedly notes
that "they're gone, of course" (17).
- For
instance, his chauvinistic view of women marks him as a character in
need of an attitude adjustment. When he poses the question
"You never know for sure how girls' minds work (do you really think
it's a mind in there or just a little buzz like a bee in a glass jar?)"
(15), it's clear that Updike is fashioning a character who is burdened,
much like others, with prejudices.
- The
flaws in Sammy's character are seen clearly when he falters when
responding to Lengel and instead of saying something sharp he mumbles,
"fiddle-de-do" (18).
- Explaining Quote:
- Connect quote to main idea in topic sentence
- Explain how the wording/symbolism of the quote
connects to the main idea of the topic sentence -- repeat a word from the quote in your explanation.
- Using analogies and examples from outside the story
to make your point.
- Engaging the reader:
- Smooth the flow of paragraph: repeat word/idea from previous sentence to help
reader move from idea to idea.
- Use vivid examples and descriptive wording to keep reader from dozing off.
For more suggestions, check
© David Bordelon
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