Essay Revision Suggestions

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You'll find here a variety of suggestions and student writing samples. Use them as a guide for your revision and as examples of the writing to strive for -- or avoid.

Note: the samples were extensively revised by the students before submission – this is what your own essay can look like, not how it reads after a single draft.

Organization I Topic Sentences I Argument I Context I Adding a Source| Introductions

Organization

Organization guides readers through essay, transforming the rich -- but jumbled -- array of thoughts and arguments in your head into a logical flow that another person can follow and nod along with as they read.

Look for the following when revising to clarify your organization:

Below you'll find a thesis statement and body paragraphs from a student essay along with my comments.

Thesis -- long but effective

During the colonial period, God and religion had an overt presence in Puritan literature. DIVISION 1>>> God was an omnipotent power that dictated the course of their lives, and was a powerful theme in their stories. SUBDIVISION A The Puritans believed that they were the chosen ones, and that God would guide them through life. Through this idea of providence, God was the cause for all occurrences both good and bad, and was generally considered a kind and nurturing God. SUBDIVISION B Coincidentally, Puritan literature also reflected the notion that a wrathful God would strike out at sinners and nonbelievers. DIVISION 2>>> However, the American thought changed and man began looking to reason and logic to explain everyday phenomena. This change in thought was reflected in literature as religion became secondary to man's quest to become a moral citizen as opposed to just a follower of religion. DIVISION 3>>> As transcendentalism became the vogue style of thought and writing in the 1800's, God was still viewed as the creator, but he was no longer a guiding force and thus did not have a critical presence in the literature of the times.

Body Paragraphs: note repetition of key words throughout each paragraph.

Religious themes such as providence figure prominently in several Puritan writings. PROVIDES CONTEXT FOR QUOTE>>>The literary critic <<<James Hartman defines providence tales when he states, “They were narratives that illustrated God's involvement and power in human affairs. The Bible is the providence tale, the history of God's creation of the world and of his dealings with his chosen people” (67). The Puritans felt that they were the chosen people and that God had unconditionally elected them to spend eternity in heaven. Subsequently, because they were the chosen people God would provide them with a safe passage through life. <<<SETS UP PARAGRAPH These concepts were explored by William Bradford in Of Plymouth Plantation . Throughout his chapter on the voyage to Cape Cod, Bradford repeatedly mentions that the Puritans were saved from precarious situations due to God's providence. The first reference citing the notion that God was guiding the faithful Puritans is when Bradford refers to the<<<SETS UP QUOTE “profane young man” that wished nothing but ill will on the Puritans. Bradford states, “But it pleased God before they came half seas over, to smite this young man with a grievous disease, of which he died in a desperate manner, and so himself the first that was thrown overboard" (167). This man greatly insulted the Puritans, and therefore they perceived that it was God's will that this man cease to exist. Bradford also accredited to God's providence survival after a near tragedy at sea, their safe arrival to land, seeds to plant corn, and security from the Indians. However, it is when Bradford refers to the Puritans as “God's children”<<<JUST USES PART OF THE QUOTE that he is demonstrating his belief that the Puritans held a very strong relationship with God and that God somehow watched over them more so then any other group of people (173).<<<GOOD EXPLANATION HERE. God was merciful to the Puritans, and he helped to ensure that they would conquer all obstacles.

These same themes <<<LETS READER KNOW THAT TOPIC IS CONTINUED were also prevalent in the works of Puritan writer Mary Rowlandson. Rowlandson suffered through captivity, but it was her belief in God that helped her to persevere through the most extreme circumstances. Rowlandson expressively illustrates her belief that God's providence aids her while in captivity when she declares, “If one looked before one there was nothing but Indians, and behind one, nothing but Indians, and so on either hand, I myself in the midst, and no Christian soul near me, and yet how hath the Lord preserved me in safety? Oh the experience that I have had of the goodness of God, to me and mine” (318). Rowlandson felt that it was the special relationship between the Puritans and God that enabled her to endure her captivity with the savage Indians.<<<MORE EXPLANATION HERE WOULD HELP CLINCH THE POINT

The concept of a wrathful God in American literature was first explored in “The Day of Doom”. <<<MOVES ON TO SUBDIVISION B

[. . . . REST OF PARAGRAPH ON WRATHFUL GOD REMOVED]

When the enlightenment period became popular in America, there was a move away from using God and religion to explain worldly occurrences.<<<DIVISION 2 -- COULD HAVE SMOOTHED OUT TRANSITION, BUT DOES MAKE THE SHIFT CLEAR Deism, or the idea that God strictly created the universe and then left man to his own devices, was adopted by writers such as Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Paine. Franklin clearly believed in a God and held religious values, but arguments based on reason were more in vogue and logical at the time. He said, “Tho' I seldom attended any Public Worship, I had still an opinion of its Propriety, and its Utility when rightly conducted…” (590). Franklin declares that he is dissatisfied with public worship because the preacher is more concerned with making them “Presbyterians rather than good citizens” (591). Franklin incorporates religion into his life, but he would much rather focus on the contributions he can make to society and his quest to for moral improvement. His use of the word “Utility” demonstrates that he viewed public worship as a function that man is required to fulfill rather than an uplifting experience. <<<BETTER JOB HERE OF FOCUSING ON A SINGLE WORD AND WORKING THROUGH IT -- STRIVE FOR SIMILAR DEVELOPMENT IN YOUR OWN WORK

Topic Sentences

Topic sentences serve two purposes: 1) they refer back to your divisions, guiding the reader through your essay; and 2) they set up and focus the individual arguments in your paragraphs which will prove the validity of your thesis.

Consider the following thesis and topic sentences:

Thesis

Emerson and Thoreau are united in their emphasis on nature. It is through nature that they best express self-reliance and spiritual understanding.

Topic Sentences
These would be the first sentences of the two paragraphs that would explain the first division on self-reliance.

For Emerson, an understanding and embrace of nature is the path to self-reliance.

Like Emerson, Thoreau also saw nature as a critical part of developing self-reliance.

Note that both sentences refer back to both the thesis (emphasis on nature) and the division (self-reliance). They also each make a declarative statement that needs to be proven.

Topic sentences often need to be revised as you develop and extend your argument -- try to break up explanation of each division over several paragraphs (see example in Organization section above).

Context

This serves two purposes: 1) it sets up your point/argument by telling the reader why you're bringing up a particular source or quote, and 2) it gives the reader information to help identify the speaker or place the speaker or example in the given work. For example, if using a quote from Rowlandson's captivity narrative you might write

Throughout the work, Rowlandson refers to Native Americans in terms that demonize them, separating them from her Christian readers. She calls Native Americans “hell hounds” (311). Taking this satanic imagery further she describes their camp as having “a lively resemblance of hell” (311).

Context helps readers 1) by making the reader think "Oh yeah, now I remember that part" and 2) by letting readers better understand (and thus agree with) your argument by framing it in a manner so they can understand it. By setting up your example so clearly, your argument flows logically from your example and explanation leaving the reader with a satisfied "Ahhh" as opposed to a befuddled "huh?"

Argument

Remember that quotes do not explain themselves: it's your job as the writer to make your case by providing the reasoning behind your decision to include a particular quote.

Consider the following extended example from a student essay, paying special attention to how she explains the point of each paragraph. My comments are added in all caps.

Thesis Statement

Written in the midst of these many changes, The Scarlet Letter opposes typical Puritan values and instead embodies such nineteenth century themes as a love of nature, an emphasis on individuality, and a value of women's rights and equality.

Body Paragraphs

Clear contrast here makes for an effective argument.

The love of nature expressed in The Scarlet Letter is one way in which the story reflects more on the nineteenth century rather than the Puritan era.<<<CLEAR REFERENCE BACK TO DIVISION #2 As the historian Karen Jones writes, “During the nineteenth century, a number of white Americans entertained romantic views of nature” (392)<<<LAST NAME OF CRITIC NOT NEEDED BECAUSE WRITER CORRECTLY USED NAME TO INTRODUCE QUOTE. A romanticized view of nature is one in which people see nature as beautiful, quite different from the way Puritans viewed nature.<<<MAKES REFERENCE TO PURITANS TO SET UP NEXT SENTENCES For instance, John Winthrop described Plymouth colony as “this evil world” (215). More generally, William Bradford referred to nature itself as “sharp and violent” and “a hideous and desolate wilderness” (168).<<<GOOD EXAMPLES FROM PURITAN WRITERS The negative connotations of “violent” and “hideous” suggests nature as a place of turmoil and danger, a place to be avoided rather than sought<<<THIS IS THE ARGUMENT -- WRITER EXPLAINS THE HOW THE WORDING IS NEGATIVE.

Hawthorne too recognized that nature was not always welcoming, describing the area around as “a grass-plot, much overgrown with burdock, pig-weed, apple-peru, and such unsightly vegetation” (1358).<<<NICE TRANSITION, NOTING A SEEMING SIMILARITY But in the very next sentence he contradicts this view when he describes the “wild rose-bush” outside of the prison “with its delicate gems, which might be imagined to offer their fragrance and fragile beauty to the prisoner as he went in” (1358). Here, the reader sees a different view of nature than that of the Puritans;<<<MAKES ARGUMENT/POINT CLEAR BY USING "DIFFERENT" AND "PURITANS" one in which nature can be simultaneously wild and beautiful. Instead of finding violence, nature contains “gems,” or something to be sought after and valued. A similar contradiction of the Puritan view of nature is seen again when Hawthorne describes Pearl in the forest: “A wolf, it is said […] came up, and smelt of Pearl 's robe, and offered his savage head to be patted by her hand” (1443). Here, Hawthorne suggests that the wild wolf, a creature associated with violence, and a small child can coincide in harmony, implying a significantly softer side of nature than that of the Puritans.<<<GREAT EXPLANATION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE WOLF SYMBOLISM Although this idea is embraced by the readers of the nineteenth century, this vision would have been nonexistent in the Puritan era.

Introductions

If the purpose of an introduction is to engage the reader and provide an overview of your topic, and the purpose of your rough draft was to get your thoughts down, it's probably time to rewrite your introduction. Try the following suggestions -- and remember that in literary essays, you should mention the authors and titles you'll be covering.

Conclusions? Avoid merely summing up your main points (sure to invoke the yawn reflex). Try to answer or refer back to your introduction – this creates a kind of “circle” for the reader and results in a very satisfying read.

Student Samples

Changes in American View on God from Puritan Era to 19th Century

The differences in the view on God from the colonial era to the 19th century are revealed in Michael Wigglesworth's style influenced by the puritan era, through a contemporary style of writing expressed in Jonathan Edward's writing, and finally the methods used in the 19th century poetry of Walt Whitman.

Not so good here -- basically thesis as introduction.

The Evolving View Of Body And Soul From Puritanism To Transcendentalism

I do not understand my own actions.  For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.  Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good.  So then it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me.  For I know that nothing good dwells within me that is, in my flesh.  I can will what is right, but I cannot do it.  For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.

Were these lines written by a Puritan writer in 17th century Massachusetts Bay Colony, with its strict view of good and evil, sin and virtue?  A member of a society that saw the body in conflict with the soul?  Actually they were written by an influential writer from the 1 st century of the common era—Paul, author of many books in the New Testament of the Bible, to the Christian community in Rome.  From the writings of the Puritans, however, we can see the influence this view had on people whose lives were infused with Biblical teaching.  Puritans had a very definite sense of the dichotomy of the body and soul — that the body with its carnal desires was at constant war with the soul in its quest for Heaven.  The view of the connection between body and soul changed dramatically from the colonial period to the 19th century.  Whereas the Puritans saw a daily conflict between body and soul, this view evolved through the time of the Transcendentalists eventually to a view of harmony between body and soul.  Where the Puritans saw the body as inferior to the soul, the Transcendentalists gradually came to see the two as equals.  This evolution of the relationship between body and soul can be seen in the works of Anne Bradstreet, Henry David Thoreau, and Walt Whitman.

Much better here. The quote and questions grab your attention and then the rest of the introduction eases you into the thesis.

The Scarlet Letter: A Puritan Story or a 19th Century Novel?

Written in the mid-nineteenth century but utilizing as its setting a typical 17th century Puritan town, The Scarlet Letter tells the story of an adulteress and her subsequent punishment imposed by a patriarchal society. The author, Nathaniel Hawthorne, though raised during the nineteenth century, was greatly influenced by his Puritan ancestors. Seemingly fascinated with their strict, religious way of life, Hawthorne saw an opportunity to portray the human spirit under extreme conditions. The Puritans were group of people consumed by the thought of sin. They allowed God and religion to rule their everyday lives. Though this story typifies many Puritan concepts, it actually opposes several Puritan values, reflecting more on the period in which it was written. During the nineteenth century, people began thinking differently about the world and its traditions. Transcendentalism, with its radical new ideas about religion, philosophy, economics, and more began to revolutionize America 's way of thinking. Additionally, while the right to vote was being extended across the nation to “the vast majority of white male adults,” many other people were denied this same right (Neale 340). This led to the fight for women's rights in the mid-nineteenth century. Written in the midst of these many changes, The Scarlet Letter opposes typical Puritan values and instead embodies such nineteenth century themes as a love of nature, an emphasis on individuality, and a value of women's rights and equality.

 Nice job here as well in setting up the topic and easing into the thesis.

Nature Walk

I remember many summers camping with my family in the wilderness.  We  traveled to places both far and near and spent weeks on end roughing it a tent or sharing a tiny camper with 6<<<SIX or 7<<SEVEN: SPELL OUT NUMBERS WHEN USING MLA FORMAT people.  We built our own fires, caught our own fish, and discovered all that nature held for us.  We cooked, played, and slept in the woods.  To me these trips were always a time for exploring new and wonderful things and a time to get away from every day hassles and relax.  Because of all these trips, whenever I feel stressed out and need some time to get away, I escape my responsibilities and go for a quiet nature walk.  Breathing in the fresh air helps me to relax and enjoy my beautiful surroundings.  My father has taught me that nature is something to respect and appreciate, and I have always felt safe and relaxed in the peacefulness of the outdoors. But American views of nature haven't always reflected my own. . . .

The views of nature have changed from the Puritans view of an evil nature, through the Enlightenment view of nature as something to learn from, to the 19th century worship of nature.

The personal approach works for me, though many professors prefer a more objective approach.

NOTE: I've removed some the material from this intro -- which explains the rather rough transition into the thesis. If using this kind of introduction, a smooth transition from the personal to the literary work is necessary.

And finally, remember that revision involves focusing on the reader. Successful revision means continually asking "how can I make this clearer?" "Will my reader understand me here? "What do I need to change to clarify my argument?" I'm looking forward to reading your answers to these questions.

Adding Sources

This section will deal with actually incorporating a source into your writing.  For more on sources in general (where to look, citation, etc.) see the Secondary Sources page.

Quick Hits on Sources
Below you'll find several examples of secondary sources incorporated in student essays.

Robert Dudas uses a literary critic reinforce his argument about Whitman's embrace of the self.
Two of the movement’s most influential writers, Ralph Waldo Emerson and Walt Whitman, seemed to focus predominantly on the idea of the “self” and how that concept relates to the world around you.  They had an obsession with how one views themselves and how one fits into the world.  This is shown by their differing, yet connected definitions of what constitutes the “self”, their stress on making one's life the best it can be, and a common desire to find meaning in one's self by way of their surroundings.

Through their works, both Whitman and Emerson demonstrate their own unique explanations of what constitutes the “self.” Whitman divides it into three parts; the man named Walt Whitman, the deeper “Me myself,” and the greater, universal self.  In the 1855 version of Leaves of Grass, in a poem that would later be titled “Song of Myself,” Whitman distinguishes the first two.  “Trippers and askers surround me… They come to me days and nights and go from me again, but they are not the Me myself” (line 664).  He describes a scene in which the people in his life come and discuss the goings on of the day, and says that the one they are speaking to is not the truer, deeper “me myself.” They communicate with Walt Whitman, but not with his soul.  He later describes a third form of his “self” in a vaguely egotistical manner.  “Walt Whitman, an American, one of the roughs, a kosmos” (line 680).  In this passage, he analyzes himself as something both simple yet infinite.  Whitman claims that the “self” can also be a dichotomy of a singular person and a universal cosmic entity.  Julia Devardhi notes this same idea in her essay “Immortality in Whitman's Philosophy and Art.”  She writes that “Whitman created a poetic “I” that is both individualistic and communal” (Devardhi).  This seemingly oxymoronic division is essential to understanding how Whitman explains the “self.” The three forms he describes, Walt Whitman the man, Walt Whitman’s soul which he calls the “me myself,” and this infinite celestial being, make up his definition of the “self.” The physical being is merely the man that interacts with the world.  The soul is an inner, deeper “self” that is meant to encompass the inner greatness and potential of an individual.  The greater collective being is arguably the most “transcendental” of the three, meant to connect one with the whole universe. 

Here, note how Harrison uses psychological sources to help understand the group dynamics of Puritan beliefs.

Understanding the puritans is integral to appreciating the far-flung ideas that are introduced by later American writers.  We see that post-puritan literature has adopted American exceptionalism, has instilled sanctity in body, and completely removed the concept of the “Other” for a more unified “One”. 

Being part of a group is one of the basic social functions that people perform.  Early American Puritans are among the most close-knit, highly religious, and rule-abiding groups that have ever existed.  Consequently, their group dynamics can reveal some characteristics that are not otherwise easily gathered and reveal motivations behind their actions, actions that are difficult to understand on the surface.  One classic behavior of group dynamics they exhibit is identification with an ingroup and designation of an outgroup.  An ingroup is a group to which an individual identifies themselves as being a member of.  Therefore, an outgroup is a group to which an individual feels no attachment or identification with.  Why does that matter? When you feel unattached towards people, treating them poorly is easier because it is more difficult for you to relate to that person.  This simple fact is reinforced in a sociological study, "An Intergroup Perspective on Religion and Prejudice," where the writers discovered, “that perceptions of outgroups (e.g., atheists [or in the Puritan's case natives]) are most negative among those who are most strongly religious” (Jackson and Hunsberger).  The Puritans were obviously devout, and the nature of their doctrines allowed them to view their outgroups as common and unselected, deprived of Holy knowledge, and this opened the gates of discrimination.  To further understand prejudices among religious groups, psychologist Gordon Allport defines two groups of religion in his paper "Personal Religious Orientation and Prejudice" – “extrinsic” and “intrinsic.”. He defines extrinsic religion as “where religion is the means of gaining social status or personal security.”  In contrast, an intrinsic religion is, “where religion is an end in itself”.  The nature of the Puritan belief system easily classifies them as an “extrinsic” religion, and for two reasons.  They certainly gained their social status through religion – the people with the highest status were most involved with the church – and they also found personal security in it.  Their whole religion is based on the fact that they are the special chosen elect of God Himself, and spend their lives working to maintain that status because of the sense of protection it provides.  It is these kinds of extrinsic religious groups, Allport argues, that harbor more prejudices when compared with intrinsic religious groups.

Laura Raedke uses historical sources to provide background on the Puritans.


The Puritans of the 1620s were dissenters of the Church of England.  A dissenter was a person who “refused to accept the doctrines or usages of an established or national church, especially a Protestant who dissented from the Church of England” (“Dissenters”).  They were very devout in their faith and wanted a religious reformation of the heart rather than the watered down version of reformation that King Henry the Eighth provided.  They did not agree with many of the religious principles featured in the Catholic practices of the Church of England, which included ritualistic worship.  Puritan values, instead, required focusing on an individual relationship with God developed through reading, memorizing, and studying the Bible as well as spending considerable time in prayer and introspection (Roark 8).  Therefore the Puritans who wanted to withdraw from England became known as Separatists and immigrated to America, where they could practice their faith as they understood it.  From the very beginning of America, the foundation of freedom to decide what to believe about God was seen in the Puritans’ settlement.

Remember that interview with the Bradstreet biographer we listened to in class?  Kelsea Rowan tracked down the book and used it to make a point about Bradstreet's singularity.

Bradstreet’s privileged background, rejection of anonymity, and immigration to America enabled her to break away from the restraints of Woolf’s depiction of the Elizabethan woman. 

While on the surface Bradstreet has one intention, there is another hidden purpose.  Bradstreet commonly resorts to self-deprecation in her poetry as a form of satire.  This can be seen in her poem “The Prologue.” Charlotte Gordon, author of “Mistress Bradstreet,” notes that in this poem Bradstreet, “never claimed women’s talents were ‘small,’ only that male ‘acknowledgment’ was” which is inferred from a line that can be interpreted in a number of ways just as Bradstreet intended (242).  Gordon confirms that Bradstreet is hiding her pride with thinly veiled humility.  This same approach can be applied to her previously mentioned poem, “The Author to Her Book.” Her intent in claiming her poetry has blemishes and then referring to it as art is to, once again, hide her pride initially while eventually allowing it to be easily seen.  This same approach is used when it comes to publishing her work; at first she shows the humility expected of women, but eventually relents and allows her pride in her writing to shine through.

 © 2007-2014 David Bordelon