Essay Revision

Dr. Bordelon's Graphic Novel Course

Revising a Literary Essay (Essay 1)

You'll find here a variety of suggestions and student writing samples. Use them as a guide for your revision and as examples of writing to strive for -- or avoid.

Note: the samples were extensively revised by the students before submission – this is what your own essay can look like, not how it reads after a single draft.

Organization | Argument | Introductions | Odds and Sods

Organization
Organization guides readers through your essay, transforming the rich -- but jumbled -- array of thoughts and arguments in your head into a logical flow that another person can follow and nod along with as they read.

We've reviewed thesis statements. Now we'll focus on topic sentences. They serve two purposes: 1) they refer back to your divisions, guiding the reader through your essay; and 2) they set up and focus the individual arguments in your paragraphs which will prove the validity of your thesis.

Consider the following thesis and topic sentences:

Look for the following when revising to clarify your organization:

Clear thesis and divisions
Clear topic sentences with repetition of division and thesis words (see below for example)
Repetition of division/thesis words within paragraph
- You could also develop list of synonyms connected to division work. For instance, in a paragraph discussing an oppressive society, you could use words like suppress, control, hold back, etc. to keep readers focused on your main point.
Break divisions into two paragraphs?

Below you'll find rough drafts and then revised thesis statements and topic sentences from student essays.

Example 1

Draft Thesis
The wordless novel Destiny by Otto Nuckel explores and reinforces this idea that all humans will inevitably die alone through our main protagonist’s life, the people around her, and the way the images give off the impression of loneliness.

Revised Thesis
The wordless novel Destiny by Otto Nuckel explores this idea that all humans will inevitably die alone through his depiction of the main protagonist’s life, the people around her, and the dark loneliness of the images.

Draft Topic Sentence
The protagonist lived the majority of her life serving as a prostitute in a brothel, the world’s oldest profession made for making people feel less lonely and other assorted reasons.

Revised Topic Sentence
The protagonist lived the majority of her life serving as a prostitute in a brothel, a profession and place associated with alienation.

Draft Topic Sentence
The backgrounds in Destiny have people littered about and secondary characters are often present, but just because they surround each other in substantial numbers does not mean that they are not lonesome.

Revised Topic Sentence
Just as the brothel can be filled with people but remain a place of isolation, the backgrounds in Destiny are littered with people who also experience/lead lives of seculsion.

Draft Topic Sentence
The book was produced with lead cuts, leaving a limited color selection of black and white. But for this case, it actually benefits the emotions of the story.

Revised Topic Sentence
The book, produced with lead cuts, leaves a limited palette of black and white. But this palette reflects the loneliness of the story.

Thesis: Example 2

Topic Sentences: Example 2 note repetition of key words.

The caged bird motif, a widely used trope in literature, alludes to the fact that someone feels imprisoned by his or her circumstances.

After the brutal murder of her lover, the protagonist attempts suicide by flinging herself into a river.

The ubiquitous “hunch-back” character, first appearing in his namesake chapter 7, turns up at a time when the protagonist displays the most vulnerability (Nückel).

Predestined to return into her life the “hunch-back” looks on ominously in image 2 of chapter 13 (Nückel).

The religious imagery in Nückel’s novel shows most prevalently in the repeated use of the image of the cross.

One of the most striking images of the cross in image 8 of chapter 13 hangs above the bed where the woman has committed adultery against her husband, the “taylor” (Nückel).

Argument

First some examples and then suggestions on how to create similar arguments.

Example 1

The caged bird motif, ubiquitous “hunch-back” character, and religious imagery in Nückel’s Destiny: A Novel in Pictures contribute to its theme of predestination and the constraints it places on an individual’s free will.

The caged bird motif, a widely used trope in literature, alludes to the fact that someone feels imprisoned by his or her circumstances. This physical example of constraint illustrates the idea that one’s destiny can feel confined by predetermined factors. Nückel uses obvious clichés such as the caged bird when he wants to convey direct meaning that might otherwise get lost in the difficultly refined details of artwork made from engraved lead. The bird motif first occurs in image 11 of chapter 8 (Nückel). Nückel creates an idyllic scene of a bird in a tree looking off toward the sun setting in the mountains. The protagonist in this image lies in the arms of the first love of her life. While a joyous image, the clever use of framing creates the cage for this bird, as it does for all except one of Nückel’s images in Destiny. The frame contains everything inside it, like the cage of a bird. This foreshadows that these happy moments will not last because the protagonist remains locked up within the constraints of predestination.

Figure 1. (Nückel, Chapter 12, image 11).

Example 2

Through a static, recurrent icon, the transformative display of subway graffiti, and the ambiguous ending to the novel's morally oscillating nature, Kuper illuminates the edge between the moral forces of good and evil.

Another recurrent icon that colors the moral landscape is one that Kuper affords a uniquely powerful dynamism. Through the transformative display of subway graffiti the moral struggles of the city are broadcasted, lending a voice to a silent system. By utilizing the subway system as a canvas, Kuper provides a visual narration through an extension of one of his characters. Lil Bro, the young male often seen around the drug dealer, finds his creative outlet in the sprawling text of graffiti. While a form of criminal vandalism in a city, this act of vandalism is painted less as destructive and more as a moral triumph above Lil Bro’s environment. Trying to protect Lil Bro from the drug and gang life of the hood, the dealer encourages Lil Bro’s talent of artistic expression. One can see in the beginning of the graphic novel, shown in fig. 8, Lil Bro’s struggle to fight the system with the only means he has.
Fig. 8 (14).
The graffiti is not simply an act of defiance or a territorial installation of street art, but a visually branding of the morals that the city struggles with. While we know who the tag belongs to, Lil Bro’s graffiti gives a voice to the system itself—a commentary on the happenings of the city, splayed out on the cars of the subway. The messages it displays often foreshadow moral dilemmas, gently guiding the audience in the background about how “the system” feels about such happenings, giving us a baseline for our own judgments.

Following the trail of subway graffiti through the graphic novel will lend the reader a hyper-concise plotline imbued with shifting moral views. In the first chapter we see a smitten interracial couple alongside the graffiti tag “True Love” (43) which reinforces the relationship and solidifies our perceptions of the characters. When the boyfriend is murdered in a racial hate crime soon after, the presence of the graffiti tag persists in our minds, leaving us craving justice for the devastated lover. As we watch the scheming of the SYCO corporates take hold, the graffiti confirms our fears before the events happen. We encounter the tags “Psycho” (49) and “The bomber crash” (fig 9) which helps to further establish our opinion of the characters in question before the subway collision and the subsequent mishandling of a homemade bomb.
Fig. 9 (49).
In the epilogue where we begin to see order restoring to the system, Lil Bro showcases the beauty of a seemingly lowly street crime. For the first time we see him in the act, tagging “Rest in Peace” (fig 10) in honor of his beloved, the deceased drug dealer. It makes the case for creation through destruction and highlights the power that street art in a system can have when it is utilized as a mechanism of moral reflection.

Example 3

The religious imagery in Nückel’s novel shows most prevalently in the repeated use of the image of the cross. The Christian cross represents the crucifix upon which Jesus Christ died for the sins of all God’s people, freeing them of their past and future sins. Nückel uses this image as a constant reminder that his characters make up a larger construct and do not work independently of each other or their world. While the characters seem to make their own choices, the overwhelming force of predestination guides them and contains them. In image 5 of chapter 2 the crosses sit strategically placed in front of the room where the protagonist’s father lay dying (Nückel). The protagonist as a young girl gazes in the direction of the crosses. This emphasis on death is reinforced in the Book of Exekiel: “Behold, all souls are Mine; The soul of the father as well as the soul of the son is Mine; The soul who sins shall die” (18:4). This makes clear that for the Christianity, the religion featured in Destiny, there are two predestined truths: all men sin, and all men must eventually die.

One of the most striking images of the cross in image 8 of chapter 13 hangs above the bed where the woman has committed adultery against her husband, the “taylor” (Nückel). The “taylor” hangs his head sorrowfully amid the disheveled room of sin. The cross on the wall even looks saddened as if mimicking the emotion felt by the “taylor.” The protagonist seemed to have the opportunity to choose against her fate, to choose not to sin, but fell down the path of chaos instead. The bird, the “hunch-back,” and the cross all come together in this scenario to emphasize the power that the protagonist’s destiny held over her. Fig. 2 displays the final image of the novel, also the aforementioned final bird image. The upraised legs of the deceased bird look like two crosses stabbing the bird. This bird imagery can be found in the Bible; for example a line from Psalms points to the reward of living a Christian life: “Our soul has escaped as a bird from the snare of the fowlers” (124:7). Nückel uses this image to emphasize the fact that only in death can the protagonist achieve true freedom, because in life she was at the mercy of her predestinated fate.

Remember that quotes do not explain themselves: it's your job as the writer to make your case by providing the reasoning behind your decision to include a particular quote.

Provide context to set up your quotes/images: do this by hinting to readers what you want them to pay attention to in the words/image you're about to insert into your paragraph.
Look at the following aspects of the quote/image
- Figurative language (metaphor, symbol)
- Characterization (psychological motivations of a character)
  Explain how either of these (or both) support your reading of a quote/image and/or the point you're making in the paragraph.
Focus on explaining how your quote/image proves your point – talk out the significance of the shape of a line, the sharpness -- or softness -- of an image, explaining how and why it proves your point by using
- Analogies
- "If . . . then" sentence patterns
- Historical Connections
- Contrast or comparison
- Definitions of word
- Try using a verb from the following list to shift into argument

agree
argue
believe
charge
claim
comment

conclude
consider
criticize
declare
describe
define

discover
emphasize
explain
feels
illustrate
imply

indicate
reinforce
reveals
shows
suggests
supports

Sample sentences might follow these patterns include

This harsh line suggests that _______

They indicate the ____

This emphasis on finding ______ suggests that ___________

Supporting this idea of capitalism as an oppressive force, the the image of dollar bills __________

The description reinforces the idea that ______

Introductions

If the purpose of an introduction is to engage the reader and provide an overview of your topic, and the purpose of your rough draft was to get your thoughts down, it's probably time to rewrite your introduction. Try the following suggestions -- and remember that in literary essays, you should mention the 1) authors and 2) titles -- with dates -- you'll be covering.

analogy
contemporary/historical events
explain focus of essay
personal connection

Conclusions? Avoid merely summing up your main points (sure to invoke the yawn reflex). Try to answer or refer back to your introduction – this creates a kind of "circle" for the reader and results in a very satisfying read.

Example 1

The word destiny brings to mind the idea of fate, a predetermined outcome. The Bible ascribes this outcome to God: “In Him also we have obtained an inheritance, being predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will” (Eph. 1:11). Humans believe themselves to have free will and the power to determine their individual paths, but do they really? Could each person’s path be merely a thread on a loom following the pattern that will create a predetermined product? Otto Nückel, author of Destiny: A Novel in Pictures, uses his sequence of lead cut images to depict the somber life of a young female protagonist who cannot escape the threads of fate woven for her. This woman’s life repeatedly leads to loneliness and grief despite any choices she makes. The caged bird motif, ubiquitous “hunch-back” character, and religious imagery in the novel contribute to its theme of predestination and the constraints it places on an individual’s free will.

Example 2

On the Edge of Morality

In a graphic novel where evil runs as a river of blood from an open mouth, trickling down and permeating everything below; pure love can shine so bright, the innocence it emits can change a dark cityscape and bring the deserved dying back to life-- it may seem that The System operates in a dichotomized black and white world. Peter Kuper constructs a striking and convincing reality within unspoken panels by showcasing the human experience as the struggle between good and evil.

As the events unfold – murder, love, corruption, justice, and everything in between – the reader may begin to question, at certain points, if morality is absolute, relative, or completely absent in this city. One apparent aspect while reading The System, is that no matter how much one wants to hearken back to a simplistic classification of “good guys” vs. “bad guys,” the nature of being human often does not permit it. An intricacy of The System lies in the characters that muddle our own moral system and blend the dichotomy; those whose storylines embody the edge, that teetering line between the dual forces of good and evil--the edge that marks them human and gives depth to triumph and suffering. Through a static, recurrent icon, the transformative display of subway graffiti, and the ambiguous ending to the novel's morally oscillating nature, Kuper illuminates the edge between the moral forces of good and evil.

Example 3

Stephen King’s short story “Survival Type” is about a surgeon who crashes on a deserted island. In a damaged and frail state, he decides to amputate his leg and eat it. The central philosophical question of the short story is whether or not it is worth it to survive, and more importantly, how much trauma a person can endure before they lose hope of survival. A similar question can be posed on the graphic memoir Maus, an autobiographical and biographical piece on Vladek Spiegelman’s survival of the Holocaust and his relationship with his son and comic creator Art Spiegelman. The memoir deals very heavy with regret and guilt over survival, whether or not the cost of trauma is worth living another day. Survivor’s guilt is represented in Maus through Vladek’s own testimony of survival in the Holocaust, the way Art frames faces in the memoir, and Art’s guilt of “surviving” his family. While King’s story focuses on a singular individual, Maus is a piece of art that reflects on an entire people, and how regret can permeate generations.

Odds and Sods

And finally, remember that revision involves focusing on the reader. Successful revision means continually asking "how can I make this clearer?" "Will my reader understand me here? "What do I need to change to clarify my argument?" I'm looking forward to reading your answers to these questions.

Top suggestion for successful revision? Work on your essay one paragraph at a time. In other words, do not try to sit down and revise the entire essay in one sitting. Break your revision down into sections so it will seem less onerous and so you can continually come to your work with fresh eyes. For an overview of the kind of reading necessary for revision, see Donald Murray's The Maker's Eye. You can also review the suggestions on the Course Documents page.

Proofreading
Often confused with revision, this is the careful attention to words and punctuation that separates the profound from the pedestrian (hint: go for profound). After you've completed your revision -- which focused on adding ideas, deleting wayward thoughts, adding explanations -- it's time to focus on the words: the way that you'll communicate with the reader.

Top two suggestions for proofreading? 1) slowly read your work out loud: if you sprain your tongue on a particular phrase, that's a sign it needs work, and 2) repeat #1 . . . repeatedly. For an interesting take on the kind of attention necessary when proofreading, see Pico Iyer's In Praise of the Humble Comma.