Revising a Body Paragraph

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Revising Body Paragraphs

After a quick quiz, we'll be focusing on five areas of revision:

  1. Maintaining focus: Topic Sentence Rules All  (checking quotes for specificity; cohesion between sentences)
  2. Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself and for quotes)
  3. Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
  4. Engaging the reader
  5. Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
We'll use sample student work to sharpen our eyes on what to look for, and then quickly move to in-class revision.
Sample Student Work for Body Paragraphs

Example 1

For the example below, check for
  1. Maintaining focus (checking quotes for specificity; cohesion between sentences)
  2. Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself and for quotes)
  3. Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
  4. Engaging the reader
  5. Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
Sammy is a realistic hero because his actions do not lead to fame or glory.  Sammy's main character flaw is his age.  He acts on impulse rather than decisive thinking.  His response to the girls entering the store is of an impulsive young man.  John Updike starts the story with Sammy describing the young girls body style and their clothing.  This is what draws Sammy's attention because most of their customers put on more clothing in the car and they are "usually women with six children and varicose veins mapping their legs (pg 16)."  Sammy is enthralled by these young girls and their rebellious spirits.  As the girls are coming up the isle, Sammy sees his boss coming in and immediately knows there will be a scene.  His boss spots the girls and comes right over.  Sammy's feelings about his boss are made clear when he states that "Lengel's pretty dreary, teaches Sunday school and the rest (pg 17)."  The tone is of dislike and maybe even distrust.  So when his boss starts embarrassing the girls, his dislike boils over and he acts impulsively to try and get the girls attention.  Sammy decides now is the time to quit his job in honor of these innocent girls, along with hoping that the girls would notice the valor in what he was doing.

Example 2
For the example below, check for
  1. Maintaining focus (checking quotes for specificity; cohesion between sentences)
  2. Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself and for quotes)
  3. Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
  4. Engaging the reader
  5. Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
Sammy is an everyday hero because his actions do not lead to fame and glory.  It all begins with his manager, Lengel, walking over to him and three girls in bikinis and telling them, "Girls, this isn't the beach" (17), twice, like they didn't comprehend the first time.  Sammy notices Queenie blushing in embarrassment and debates briefly whether he should do something to stick up for them, and well, in their eyes, try to be a hero.  The girls were "in a hurry to get out" (18), of A&P so Sammy quickly made the decision and said, "I quit" (18), in hopes that they heard him.  Lengel gave him a second chance by asking, "Did you say something" (18) and Sammy repeated himself, "I said I quit" (18).  He knows his parents are going to be aggravated for his reason of quitting when Lengel tells him that "you don't want to do this to your Mon and Dad: (18), and Sammy also knows that he'll "feel this for the rest of (his) life" (18).  Sammy folded his apron, placed his bow tie down, "punched the No Sale tab" (18) and walks out.  Granted, the young ladies were attractive and it was obvious Sammy would have loved to get with at least one of them because when he walk outside he "looked around for (his) girls, but they're gone" (18).

Example 3
For the example below, check for
  1. Maintaining focus (checking quotes for specificity; cohesion between sentences)
  2. Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself and for quotes)
  3. Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
  4. Engaging the reader
  5. Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
Sammy is a realistic hero because his actions do not lead to fame and glory.  He does not benefit from trying to defend the girls.  He does not win a prize or money: he gets nothing.  Sammy defended the girls because of the way it made him feel, "remembering how he made that pretty girl blush makes me so scrunchy inside"(18).  He also defended them because of the way his manager made them feel.  We've all taken a stand for that friend who was getting picked on.  Sammy is even more believable through his actions because he thinks like any other nineteen year old. "I uncrease the bill, tenderly as you imagine, it just having come from between the two smoothest scoops of vanilla I had ever known were there"(18).  Now what nineteen year old wouldn't be looking at those? Of course, just as it happens so much in real life, Sammy walks out of the A&P empty handed; no girls and out of a job. Given this "reward," his heroism, instead of the "photo on the front page" variety, is more   realistic, the kind that occurs every day and is never noticed.

Updike, John. "A&P."  Literature: An Introduction to Fiction Poetry and Drama. Ed. X. J. Kennedy and Dana Gioia. New York: Longman, 2002. 16-20. Print.


Example 4
For the example below, check for
  1. Maintaining focus (checking quotes for specificity; cohesion between sentences)
  2. Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself and for quotes)
  3. Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
  4. Engaging the reader
  5. Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
The description of Emily's house suggests the death and decay of the upper classes.  A house, from its style to location, represents more than just shelter.  A ranch in Brick suggests a working class household, while a Victorian mansion in Bayhead suggests an investment banker.  The way the author describes the dust buildup and staleness really gives you the feel not only of the house itself, but of Emily. Because Emily was considered "upper class" no one dared to confront her of her homes condition, or of the ungodly smell seeping out. "It was a big squarish frame house that had once been white, decorated with cupolas and spires and scrolled balconies in the heavily lightsome style of the seventies, set on what had once been our most select street." (28) The description of this house sets it apart from the neighborhood. I believe Emily decayed and deteriorated with her house.


Example 5
For the example below, check for
  1. Maintaining focus (checking quotes for specificity; cohesion between sentences)
  2. Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself and for quotes)
  3. Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
  4. Engaging the reader
  5. Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
The description of Emily's house suggests the death and decay of the upper classes. Emily's once prestigious house that is "set on what had once been our most select street" (79), is now a crumbling, sad reminder of what once was. At one point in time, the upper class was looked up to by the lower member of society, and put up on a pedestal, but as society began to change and the community around began to transform, the upper class became a blurb in the background. Beautiful, grandiose homes with their acres of farmland were the focus but now, "garages and cotton gins had encroached" (79), suggesting that now a new kind of norm had begun to take over. A home filled with leather and gold, supported by detailed architecture, and was once the symbol of wealth and prosperity is now simply, "an eyesore amongst eyesores" (79). The transition into a new standard for society had begun, with resistance from the generation before, like a beauty queen refusing to pass the crown to the new winner. A stubborn beacon stands, like Miss Emily's house and refuses to be washed away into the tides of change. The upper class is no longer the symbolic icon that identified the times, a new movement had begun and take charge of the divisions of society. Like a fallen hero, standing amongst the wreckage, Miss Emily's beloved fortress stands, "lifting its stubborn and coquettish decay" (79), refusing to be swallowed up by the new generation that had slowly taken over.


In Class Work

To meet the criteria listed above, revise/rewrite your own paragraph, concentrating on
  • Organizing information and staying on topic with the division and thesis:
    • Delete material that doesn't fit
    • Where can quotes be narrowed down -- stopped and then started again? Where are new quotes needed? Use only a few words instead of the entire sentence?
    • What sentences can be moved for clearer organization?
  • What background information needed to set up paragraph?
    • What information is needed to explain the argument/division to readers? See below for examples from the paragraphs above. Context/background information is in italics:
      • "Sammy is a realistic hero because his actions do not lead to fame and glory.  He does not benefit from trying to defend the girls.  He does not win a prize or money: he gets nothing."
      •  "The description of Emily's house suggests the death and decay of the upper classes.  A house, from its style to location, represents more than just shelter.  A ranch in Brick suggests a working class household, while a Victorian mansion in Bayhead suggests an investment banker."
  • Setting up the quotes (and citing correctly)
    • Provide a context/introduce the quote instead of just dropping it in. See below for examples from the paragraphs above. Context/introduction is in italics:
      • Sammy knew that he was not going to be like a typical hero and "get the girl" at the end of the story. As he walks out into the parking lot, he looks for "my girls," but resignedly notes that "they're gone, of course" (17).
      • For instance, his chauvinistic view of women marks him as a character in need of an attitude adjustment.  When he poses the question "You never know for sure how girls' minds work (do you really think it's a mind in there or just a little buzz like a bee in a glass jar?)" (15), it's clear that Updike is fashioning a character who is burdened, much like others, with prejudices.
      • The flaws in Sammy's character are seen clearly when he falters when responding to Lengel and instead of saying something sharp he mumbles, "fiddle-de-do" (18).
    • See Context for a Quote and Verb List and Introducing Quotes Examples
      for additional suggestions.
  • Explaining Quote: see camping out on a quote for specific suggestions on developing a quote.
    • Connect quote to main idea in topic sentence
    • Explain how the wording/symbolism of the quote connects to the main idea of the topic sentence -- repeat a word from the quote in your explanation.
    • Using analogies and examples from outside the story to make your point.
  • Engaging the reader:
    • Smooth the flow of paragraph: repeat word/idea from previous sentence to help reader move from idea to idea.
    • Use vivid examples and descriptive wording to keep reader from dozing off.
      • Of course, just as it happens so much in real life, Sammy walks out of the A&P empty handed; no girls and out of a job. Given this "reward," his heroism, instead of the "photo on the front page" variety, is more  realistic, the kind that occurs every day and is never noticed.

For more suggestions, check

© David Bordelon