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Revising Body Paragraphs
After a quick quiz, we'll be focusing on five areas of revision:
- Maintaining focus: Topic Sentence Rules All
(checking quotes for specificity; cohesion between
sentences)
- Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself and for
quotes)
- Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
- Engaging the reader
- Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
We'll use sample student work to sharpen our eyes on what to look
for, and then quickly move to in-class revision.
Sample
Student
Work for Body Paragraphs
Example 1
For the example below, check for
- Maintaining focus (checking quotes for specificity;
cohesion between sentences)
- Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself and for
quotes)
- Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
- Engaging the reader
- Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
Sammy is a realistic hero
because his actions do not lead to fame or glory. Sammy's main
character flaw is his age. He acts on impulse rather than
decisive thinking. His response to the girls entering the
store is of an impulsive young man. John Updike starts the
story with Sammy describing the young girls body style and their
clothing. This is what draws Sammy's attention because most of
their customers put on more clothing in the car and they are
"usually women with six children and varicose veins mapping their
legs (pg 16)." Sammy is enthralled by these young girls and
their rebellious spirits. As the girls are coming up the isle,
Sammy sees his boss coming in and immediately knows there will be a
scene. His boss spots the girls and comes right over.
Sammy's feelings about his boss are made clear when he states that
"Lengel's pretty dreary, teaches Sunday school and the rest (pg
17)." The tone is of dislike and maybe even distrust. So
when his boss starts embarrassing the girls, his dislike boils over
and he acts impulsively to try and get the girls attention.
Sammy decides now is the time to quit his job in honor of these
innocent girls, along with hoping that the girls would notice the
valor in what he was doing.
Example
2
For the example below, check for
- Maintaining focus (checking quotes for specificity;
cohesion between sentences)
- Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself and for
quotes)
- Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
- Engaging the reader
- Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
Sammy is an everyday hero because his actions do not lead to fame
and glory. It all begins with his manager, Lengel, walking
over to him and three girls in bikinis and telling them, "Girls,
this isn't the beach" (17), twice, like they didn't comprehend the
first time. Sammy notices Queenie blushing in embarrassment
and debates briefly whether he should do something to stick up for
them, and well, in their eyes, try to be a hero. The girls
were "in a hurry to get out" (18), of A&P so Sammy quickly made
the decision and said, "I quit" (18), in hopes that they heard
him. Lengel gave him a second chance by asking, "Did you say
something" (18) and Sammy repeated himself, "I said I quit"
(18). He knows his parents are going to be aggravated for his
reason of quitting when Lengel tells him that "you don't want to do
this to your Mon and Dad: (18), and Sammy also knows that he'll
"feel this for the rest of (his) life" (18). Sammy folded his
apron, placed his bow tie down, "punched the No Sale tab" (18) and
walks out. Granted, the young ladies were attractive and it
was obvious Sammy would have loved to get with at least one of them
because when he walk outside he "looked around for (his) girls, but
they're gone" (18).
Example
3
For the example below, check for
- Maintaining focus (checking quotes for specificity;
cohesion between sentences)
- Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself and for
quotes)
- Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
- Engaging the reader
- Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
Sammy is a realistic hero
because his actions do not lead to fame and glory. He does not
benefit from trying to defend the girls. He does not win a
prize or money: he gets nothing. Sammy defended the girls
because of the way it made him feel, "remembering how he made that
pretty girl blush makes me so scrunchy inside"(18). He also
defended them because of the way his manager made them feel.
We've all taken a stand for that friend who was getting picked
on. Sammy is even more believable through his actions because
he thinks like any other nineteen year old. "I uncrease the bill,
tenderly as you imagine, it just having come from between the two
smoothest scoops of vanilla I had ever known were there"(18).
Now what nineteen year old wouldn't be looking at those? Of course,
just as it happens so much in real life, Sammy walks out of the
A&P empty handed; no girls and out of a job. Given this
"reward," his heroism, instead of the "photo on the front page"
variety, is more realistic, the kind that occurs every
day and is never noticed.
Updike,
John.
"A&P." Literature:
An Introduction to Fiction Poetry and Drama. Ed. X. J.
Kennedy and Dana Gioia. New York: Longman, 2002. 16-20. Print.
Example
4
For the example below, check for
- Maintaining focus (checking quotes for specificity;
cohesion between sentences)
- Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself and for
quotes)
- Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
- Engaging the reader
- Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
The description of Emily's
house suggests the death and decay of the upper classes. A
house, from its style to location, represents more than just
shelter. A ranch in Brick suggests a working class household,
while a Victorian mansion in Bayhead suggests an investment banker.
The way the author describes the dust buildup and staleness
really gives you the feel not only of the house itself, but of
Emily. Because Emily was considered "upper class" no one dared to
confront her of her homes condition, or of the ungodly smell seeping
out. "It was a big squarish frame house that had once been white,
decorated with cupolas and spires and scrolled balconies in the
heavily lightsome style of the seventies, set on what had once been
our most select street." (28) The description of this house sets it
apart from the neighborhood. I believe Emily decayed and
deteriorated with her house.
Example
5
For the example below, check for
- Maintaining focus (checking quotes for specificity;
cohesion between sentences)
- Providing context/introductions (for paragraph itself and for
quotes)
- Explaining how quotes connect to topic sentence
- Engaging the reader
- Citing sources (both in-text and Work Cited)
The description of Emily's
house suggests the death and decay of the upper classes. Emily's
once prestigious house that is "set on what had once been our most
select street" (79), is now a crumbling, sad reminder of what once
was. At one point in time, the upper class was looked up to by the
lower member of society, and put up on a pedestal, but as society
began to change and the community around began to transform, the
upper class became a blurb in the background. Beautiful, grandiose
homes with their acres of farmland were the focus but now, "garages
and cotton gins had encroached" (79), suggesting that now a new kind
of norm had begun to take over. A home filled with leather and gold,
supported by detailed architecture, and was once the symbol of
wealth and prosperity is now simply, "an eyesore amongst eyesores"
(79). The transition into a new standard for society had begun, with
resistance from the generation before, like a beauty queen refusing
to pass the crown to the new winner. A stubborn beacon stands, like
Miss Emily's house and refuses to be washed away into the tides of
change. The upper class is no longer the symbolic icon that
identified the times, a new movement had begun and take charge of
the divisions of society. Like a fallen hero, standing amongst the
wreckage, Miss Emily's beloved fortress stands, "lifting its
stubborn and coquettish decay" (79), refusing to be swallowed up by
the new generation that had slowly taken over.
In
Class Work
To meet the criteria listed above, revise/rewrite your own
paragraph, concentrating on
- Organizing information and staying on topic with the division
and thesis:
- Delete material that doesn't fit
- Where can quotes be narrowed down -- stopped and then
started again? Where are new quotes needed? Use only a few
words instead of the entire sentence?
- What sentences can be moved for clearer organization?
- What background information needed to set up paragraph?
- What information is needed to explain the argument/division
to readers? See below for examples from the paragraphs above.
Context/background information is in italics:
- "Sammy is a realistic hero because his actions do not lead
to fame and glory. He does not benefit from
trying to defend the girls. He does not win a prize
or money: he gets nothing."
- "The description of Emily's house suggests the death
and decay of the upper classes. A house, from its
style to location, represents more than just shelter.
A ranch in Brick suggests a working class household,
while a Victorian mansion in Bayhead suggests an
investment banker."
- Setting up the quotes (and citing correctly)
- Provide a context/introduce the quote instead of just
dropping it in. See below for examples from the paragraphs
above. Context/introduction is in italics:
- Sammy knew that he was not going to be like a typical
hero and "get the girl" at the end of the story. As
he walks out into the parking lot, he looks for "my girls,"
but resignedly notes that "they're gone, of course" (17).
- For instance, his chauvinistic view of women marks
him as a character in need of an attitude
adjustment. When he poses the question "You
never know for sure how girls' minds work (do you really
think it's a mind in there or just a little buzz like a bee
in a glass jar?)" (15), it's clear that Updike is fashioning
a character who is burdened, much like others, with
prejudices.
- The flaws in Sammy's character are seen clearly when
he falters when responding to Lengel and instead of saying
something sharp he mumbles, "fiddle-de-do" (18).
- See Context for a Quote and Verb List and Introducing
Quotes Examples
for additional suggestions.
- Explaining Quote: see camping
out on a quote for specific suggestions on developing a
quote.
- Connect quote to main idea in topic sentence
- Explain how the wording/symbolism of the quote connects to
the main idea of the topic sentence -- repeat a word from the
quote in your explanation.
- Using analogies and examples from outside the story to make
your point.
- Engaging the reader:
- Smooth the flow of paragraph: repeat word/idea from previous
sentence to help reader move from idea to idea.
- Use vivid examples and descriptive wording to keep reader
from dozing off.
- Of course, just as it happens so much in real life, Sammy
walks out of the A&P empty handed; no girls and out
of a job. Given this "reward," his heroism,
instead of the "photo on the front page" variety,
is more realistic, the kind that occurs every day
and is never noticed.
For more
suggestions, check
© David Bordelon
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