Planning, Revision and Proofreading Suggestions Essay 4

 

Below you'll find a variety of suggestions that should help as you work through revising your essay.

Planning

List of planning steps | Subject to Topic | Thesis | Definition Paragraph

Thesis | Subject to Topic | Definition Paragraph

Revision

Organization |Two Part Argument | Specific Examples | Analogies

Proofreading

Making Connections | Engaging the Reader | Punctuation | Academic Claims

Moving from Subject to Topic

As in all writing, first consider your purpose:

  1. Consider your subject from an economic, social, political and moral point of view (see "How Do I Come Up With/Explain Reasons" in I&C)
  2. Divide your list into different categories -- the ole' who, what, why, when, where, how can come in handy here. For instance, if your subject is education, what level could you write about -- college? primary? secondary? How questions lead to causes (how did something start); a why question often leads to an argument (why is something helpful, important, etc.)

These should help narrow down a broad subject to a more narrow topic.

Developing a thesis

Below you'll find some suggestions for framing a thesis. And no, you don't have to follow this format -- it's for your guidance.

 

Organization

Two Part Argument: Developing Body Paragraphs

Specific Examples: Naming Names

The key in revision is to make your argument clearer: one way to do this is to offer a specific example. An effective example often involves telling a story about how _____ (your division) effects a person. For this exercise, you'll choose a division to focus on and then write a separate paragraph that tells a story illustrating this point.

Suggested Steps

One way this ______ (division term) directly effects people is ____.

 

In this new paragraph, tell a story which illustrates the point you made in the previous paragraph.

Analogies

Analogies are comparison that use a familiar idea, concept or example to explain an unfamiliar or complicated idea. An example we've read is in Eric Freedman's essay against the death penalty where he had to take an unfamiliar concept -- the death penalty is not a deterrent? -- and help readers understand it.

 

Capital punishment proponents sometimes assert that it simply is logical to think that the death penalty is a deterrent. Whether or not the idea is logical, it is not true, an example of the reality that many intuitively obvious propositions--e.g., that a heavy ball will fall faster if dropped from the Leaning Tower of Pisa than a light one--are factually false.

 

Note how he goes to a field completely different than criminal justice -- physics -- to help readers wrap their minds around a new idea: the death penalty doesn't prevent crime.

 

Consider another example below also on the death penalty.

 

Imagine a family having trouble with little Johnny at school. It seems that Johnny likes to starts fights. The dad decides it is time to teach Johnny a lesson. When he walks in the door with a note about yet another fight, the dad gives him a taste of his own medicine: he begins spanking Johnny, all the while saying "you shouldn't solve arguments with your fists! It's wrong to use violence to solve problems!" Little Johnny is left confused. He is being told that fighting is wrong, yet a spanking -- a kind of a fight -- is used to communicate the message.

 

This is similar to the government's response to a capital crime. Like the parent, they are trying to prove that violence is bad. And like the parent, they resort to violence to "teach" a lesson. The problem with this thinking is that it leads to a socialization of violence, a sense among the larger society that a violent response is an appropriate measure to solve a problem.

 

This analogy is effective because it takes the familiar -- a child getting spanked -- and connects it to the abstract -- socialization of violence. Note that in the second paragraph the writer takes no chances: they make the connection to the death penalty clear by writing "this is similar . . .."

 

In your own essay, you can go to a place where you feel the reader needs more help understanding a concept, and develop an analogy to help them "see" the topic as you do.

Making Connections: Transitions and Setting Up Quotes

  Many students tell me they want to work on the "flow" of their essays. One way of developing a smooth flow is by moving the reader carefully from one sentence to the next. The examples below, from before and after proofreading, illustrate how adding just a few short sentences can help a reader better understand your idea and thus your argument.

The example is taken from essay which argues that suggestive advertising negatively influences young women.

Rough draft: Before connections

The ad almost gives the impression women's bodies were made to be exploited. David T. Kollat is the acting president of the Victoria 's Secret catalogue division. He claims their magazine and company is liberating women. He says their cause is "progressive, socially liberated" and sells "hope" (qtd. in Gross). Lingerie has become a "fashion statement" (Gross). Mrs. Hochman, a middle aged American woman, states "The catalogue portrays an attitude and lifestyle that tells you, O.K., you'll get hugged too" (qtd. in Gross). She also states, "They put blatant sex on paper. From then on you couldn't get sexy enough. It was very daring. It gave women approval" (qtd. in Gross).

I noticed this "approval" (qtd. in Gross) attitude among the girls I worked with. Whenever an employee would show excellence, my boss would give us a gift card to the store of our choice.

After Connections

The ad almost gives the impression women's bodies were made to be exploited. But some would not label this exploitation: they would call it freedom. David T. Kollat, the acting president of the Victoria's Secret catalogue division, claims their magazine and company is liberating women. He says their cause is "progressive, socially liberated" and sells "hope" (qtd. in Gross). And it is not only young girls who look for the "hope" portrayed in these ads. Carol Hochman, a middle aged woman, believes "The catalogue portrays an attitude and lifestyle that tells you, O.K., you'll get hugged too" (qtd. in Gross). She makes clear what this kind of hugging may lead to: "They put blatant sex on paper. From then on you couldn't get sexy enough. It was very daring. It gave women approval" (qtd. in Gross).

I noticed this desire for "approval" among the girls I work with. Whenever my boss wants to reward an employee, he offers us a gift card to the store of our choice.

Note how setting up and explaining the quote made the argument itself clearer. This setting usually involves telling the reader what to look for before you go into the quote -- and then afterwards, you can explain why/how this shows your division is good or bad for America .

Tip for cohesion

Remember that when moving from sentence to sentence, readers must be able to follow your logic. This is accomplished by using transitions. The "This" in the previous sentence illustrates one way of knitting together your thinking/writing -- and is an important word to keep in mind. By referring back to "follow your logic," the "This" acts as a bridge, a connection between the two points you're making in your sentences. Another way to make a connection is to use words like "another" (for a list of such words, see below). Connections can also be made by repetition, as in this sentence where I repeat the word "connection" from the previous sentence. Using repetition and transition words keep readers focused on the main topic of your paragraph/idea, which in turn makes it easier for readers to follow your logic.

By now you should be wondering, "well, how do I come up with effective transitions?" Easy. Working one paragraph at a time, develop/brainstorm a list of synonyms or words/phrases associated with the focus of that paragraph (Example? In a paragraph on "work" you might include words like job, wages, time-clock, employer, employee, labor, etc.). Keep this list handy as you revise /proofread , and be sure to insert these words throughout the paragraph.

Transitions between paragraphs

Between paragraphs, the best technique is to repeat a word or idea from the previous paragraph. As usual, this is best illustrated with an example. Take a look at the following:

(para 1) And that is one of the problems with working a McJob.

(para 2) But low wages aren't the only problems with such jobs. The job skills learned at these places only prepare you for other McJobs.

Without even reading the paragraph 1, you can tell the subject of it was _________. That's the advantage of repetition between paragraphs: you keep reminding the reader of your focus which means you keep reminding the reader of your argument, which means you keep your reader happy.

Establishing Credibility of Sources

Let readers know your sources are reliable by including the credentials of the authors.

New York Times reporter Janet Maslin argues that “______.”

Professor James Brownwell believes “______” (qtd. in Maslin).

Engaging the Reader

Part of proofreading is finding ways to make your essay more vivid, to breath some life into your words. One way to do so is to add sensory descriptions or specific examples.

In essay on obesity, one student wrote the following in his rough draft

And these stores are filled with bad junky food.

What would help here is a word picture -- a more vivid representation of your subject.

And these stores, with their Twinkies and Big Gulps, will only add to the girth of the nation.

The additions work two ways: the "Twinkies and Big Gulps," put a "face" on the junky food, and the "add to the girth" reminds of the result of such foods.

Look through your own essay and try to add specific examples and other sensory description to help readers more readily "see" what you mean -- and to keep them turning your pages with a smile.

Punctuation Nation

An "economic crisis", that seems to be the two most frequently used words today in America, all over the news and from every politician's mouth.

How many words does a sentence need to have? One? Two?

Consider using fragments for a dramatic effect.

Economic crisis. These seem to be the two most frequently used words in American media today.

It's All Academic

A major difference between academic writing and journalism is precision. Consider the following two sentences from a student essay

America is fighting a never ending war.

Sounds great -- dramatic effect and all. But is this true? Is the war really never ending?

The student added a qualifier to the sentence that makes the argument/point valid as opposed to a generalization.

America is fighting a war that seems never ending.

This second version is the more precise and academic version of this sentence. And since this is a course in academic writing, it's the way to go.