Planning and Revision Suggestions Essay #3
Organization | Defining Your Topic | Defining a Division in Your Body Paragraph | Two Part Organization for Argument | Counter Arguments and Rebuttals | Specific Examples | Analogies | Argumentative Discourse | Introductions | Transitions in Paragraphs | Proofreading | Avoiding Plagiarism
Planning a Thesis Below you'll find some suggestions for framing a thesis. And no, you don't have to follow this format -- it's for your guidance.
"________ helps/hurts ____ because _______, _____, and _____."
"The best way to ____ because _______, _____, and _____."
"_____ is a problem/can aid, etc. because _______, _____, and _____."
"______ is caused by _______, _____, and _____."
"The effects of _____ are because _______, _____, and _____."Organization
- Check wording of divisions (do you need to reword for clarity? Change a division)
- Check order of paragraphs (follow list set out in your divisions)
-
Check for repetition of key/division words in topic (remember you can
use synonyms as well, particularly for additional paragraphs on the
same division)
- Check for clear topic sentence: include both argument/thesis and division in the sentence (see below)
- Check for subdivisions (Can you break down a division into two separate ideas? See below)
Example subdivision topic sentence
Original
The
significant numbers of lives and money that the U.S. has contributed to
this dispute has become overwhelmingly damaging to the American society
|
Revised
The high cost of the war in both lives and money is damaging American society. |
Less
is often more with topic sentences: go for clarity and concision and
save the artfully worded phrase for your body paragraph. For this
division, the writer would develop the rest of this paragraph on lives
and then a new paragraph on money.
Defining Your Topic Unlike
essay two on the death penalty, readers will probably need more
information to fully understand your subject. This information should
supply the background information necessary to understand the topic:
when brainstorming for this, think of the following questions (which
should sound familiar from essay one)
- Who:
Who is involved? Who (individual, group, country) is in "charge" or
responsible? What kinds of people (citizens, working class, middle
class, serviceman, bond traders, etc.) are effected by this issue? More
broadly, which countries/cultures are effected by this issue.
- What:
What are you talking about? Is there a defining event or incident
(accident, news story, specific example) that explains or defines it?
Is it primarily an economic, social, political, legal, or moral issue
-- or does it touch on all of these points? Think in numbers as well --
what numerical figures are important (cost, size, etc.)?
- When: When did the issue begin? When did specific events occur? When does it end or is predicted to end?
- Where:
Where did the issue begin? Where did certain events take place? What
role does geography play in this issue -- which countries/areas/towns
have a stake in this?
- Why: Why is this issue important to individuals? Areas? Countries?
- How: How did this event begin? How is it predicted to end? How has it developed -- did it start full blown or slowly build up?
While
you shouldn't mechanically list your answers to these questions, having
this information "at your fingertips" in your notes will make it easier
to answer potential questions from your readers.
Selected
parts of this information should be formed into a paragraph or two that
will explain your argument. The first paragraphs of the Overview essays
or CQResearcher essays offer a model for this.
Student Examples
Robyn provided the following definition paragraph for her essay on American health care:
Patricia Kennedy, in her Points of View
article, "Health Insurance: An Overview," defines what health insurance
in the United States is. She defines it as "provid[ing] benefits for
covered sicknesses, injury or preventative health measures." There are
two options for healthcare coverage in the America: private and
government-sponsored. Kennedy explains for private healthcare,
individuals and businesses are required to pay a monthly premium in
exchange for reduced-price medical services. For government-sponsored
healthcare, there are Medicaid, Medicare, along with the State
Children's Health Insurance Program, which"is administered by most
states and provides medical care for low-income eligible individuals"
(Kennedy). The caveat of these established government-sponsored
programs is two-fold. First "within the next decade, more Americans
will be eligible for Medicare than at any other time in the history of
the United States" (Kennedy). The second is that not everyone is
eligible for these programs. A gap is created between those eligible
for these programs and private healthcare.
This gap is at the heart of today's healthcare reform discussions. One
reform being introduced is the single-payer system. Under this system,
taxpayers
and employers pay into a national healthcare fund, and money from that
fund is used to pay for every citizen's primary care, hospitalization
and, in most cases, prescriptions. The fund compensates medical
providers and hospitals and pays for medical technology, including,
typically, a shared electronic health-record database. Coverage may or
may not require patient copayments. (Rhea)
Opponents
to this system site cost as a deterrent. They say that it would cost
too much to provide insurance for everyone. I say it costs too much not
to. Not only would the single-payer system ensure everyone was covered;
it would cost each individual less, and it would be less of a burden on
the country's resources. |
On the same topic, Jennie wrote the following definition paragraph: my suggestions are in ALL CAPS.
| At
any given moment you can turn to the people in the room you are in and
take a poll of who is happy with America's healthcare system. With the
many different reforms being proposed, it is hard for citizens to
really understand what is being offered currently, and more importantly
what is not being offered. First off, let's understand what our current
health plan in the United States is; only certain groups are covered by
the government, while the rest are left to fend for themselves.
Citizens who are aged 65 years or older and a few younger disabled
adults are entitled to Medicare, which is a federal funded insurance
program. Low income citizens are eligible for Medicaid, a government
funded health care system available in most states. Patricia
Kennedy<<<WHO'S SHE states that "This plan was implemented
when the cost of private insurance and medical services became
unaffordable to many low-income Americans" (Kennedy)<<<LAST
NAME NOT NEEDED B/C YOU CORRECTLY INCLUDED NAME IN SENTENCE. So the
extremely low income citizens and the elderly are covered, which leaves
the rest of the citizens to cover themselves. Some employers offer
Health insurance for a decent deductible<<<HOW MANY?, still
though after paying the deductible, co-pays are still expected at the
time of almost all appointments and treatments. Some businesses such as
small businesses do not offer health insurance plans at all. All of
this leaves us with the citizens who are not 65 years or older, are not
low income, and whose employer does not offer health insurance. To
receive health care on an individual plan is extremely
costly<<<WHAT'S AN AVERAGE RATE?, and if a person is working
for a company who does not offer it, the chances are they can not
afford it. So the people with no coverage at all, are left to pay the
hundreds and thousands of medical expenses out of pocket. It's clear
that the United States should reform to a single payer health care
system because it will distribute health care equally; prepare the
country better for a catastrophe, and lower mortality and disease
rates. |
Note here how the more specific information asked for would clarify and set out the issue in more detail.
Defining a Division in Your Body Paragraph When you define a division in your body paragraph, use words that you can then repeat in your argument.
Thesis
The
causes of the financial crisis include deregulation, mortgage lenders
taking advantage of consumers, and misuse of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. |
Topic Sentence and Definition
| Another
part of the crisis included a misuse of mortgage funds from Fannie Mae
and Freddie Mac. These two companies are "government sponsored
enterprises" set up to provide mortgages for low to middle income home
buyers (Flynn). Backed by the government, loans from these two
corporations were considered a safe investment for banks and other
financial institutions (Flynn). |
Here the writer quickly explains the "what" and "who" (government sponsored) regarding"Mae" and "Mac."
Thesis
| The problems with income inequality include poor health, lower education levels, and lack of social mobility. |
Topic Sentence and Definition
| In
addition to health and education problems, income inequality hinders
social mobility. Central to the American dream is the idea that if you
work hard and live wisely, you will prosper and rise up through
society. This ability to advance in society is called social mobility. |
Note
the transition here: the writer references the two the previous two
divisions before introducing the third. The definition here quickly
provides reader with the "what" and connects it to the myth of the
American dream.
Two Part Organization for Argument
One
challenge when writing an argument is deciding how to organize the
information in your division. A solution is to use a two part strategy:
connect and explain.
1) quote from readings to prove the connection of your thesis to your
division. Thus if you're writing about income equality and one of your
divisions is education, you need to prove that there is a connection
between education and income; if you're writing about single-payer
insurance, and one of your divisions is on comprehensive coverage, you
need to prove that single payer plan will provide comprehensive
coverage.
2) Don't stop there: you need to include
your argument. Explain to reader why your division will have a negative
or positive effect. For instance, once you show that there is a
connection between low income and falling education levels, you'll have
to add a paragraph or two (or three) on the ramifications of this:
what's the problem with falling education levels (see "How Do I Come
Up/Explain With Reasons?" I&C
Student Example
Part 1)
First topic sentence, then connect to your stance
| Another
reason liberalism is the best stance for America is their view on
environmental regulations. Roger Rosenblatt argues that in the 1990s a
liberal government helped pass the Clean Air Act Amendments which "will
reduce the country's air pollution by more than 49 billion pounds per
year" (256). |
Think
of the connection noted above this way: You need to show that ______
(fill in with subject of essay) supports _________ (fill in with
division you're working on) by using a quote or summary from the
readings that illustrates this support.
Part 2)
Then explain
why/how that division is good for all Americans. One tip is to consider
division from a health/social/safety/economic/freedom/etc. perspective
-- see I&C under "How do I come up/explain reasons?" for a list of
relevant questions.
| Since
air pollution is a primary cause of asthma and other respiratory
problems, eliminating forty nine billion pounds a year will reduce the
number of respiratory attacks, making ____ (find number of asthma and
respiratory sufferers) of Americans breath easier. And of course if
these people are not receiving medical care, which can cost ____ a year
(find stat), then that money can be used to help prevent other attacks,
or even lower health insurance for all Americans. While
environmentalism is often categorized as a cause of "radicals" and
"tree huggers," it's clear that the benefits of pursuing environmental
regulations can affect everyone. Liberal support of such regulations
can insure better health -- and more money -- for all. |
This
two part approach makes for more complete coverage and provides a
"place" to include for your research and thinking. The blanks here show
that the writer, even when working on their rough draft, was thinking
of research. And note that while the subject of the essay is civic
stances/liberalism, the research is focused on the division. You'll
probably be doing something similar -- focusing your research on the
division instead of the subject (keep this in mind when you search).
Counter Argument and Rebuttal
In
essay two, the counter argument is often stuck on at the end; for this
essay, you'll incorporate a counter argument where ever it seems
necessary.
For the example below, the thesis was
| I
say it costs too much not to. Not only would the single-payer system
ensure everyone was covered; it would cost each individual less, and it
would be less of a burden on the country's resources. |
One of her counter arguments -- and an extended rebuttal -- is below.
Even
though a single-payer system would reduce costs, critics look to other
nations with lower healthcare expenditures as an example of what can go
wrong. One of the drawbacks to this system in other countries would be
long wait times for care. In Canada, people "on average, […] wait
nearly eighteen weeks to receive treatment by a specialist after the
initial referral, more than eight weeks for magnetic resonance imaging
(MRI), four weeks for computed tomography (CT) scans or ultrasounds,
and four or more months for surgeries that are considered unessential,
such as hip replacements. Procedures that are standard in the United
States, including bypass surgery and transplants, are provided only
after patients deal with numerous agencies and fill out copious amounts
of paperwork" (Driscoll). These statistics alone make a bleak outlook
for the single-payer system, but if Canada's system is so poor, how
come their citizens like their health care more than Americans? In a
2003 poll, 52% of Canadians were satisfied with their health care
system (Blizzard). In the same poll, 48% of Americans reported being
satisfied with their health care system (Blizzard). The numbers show
that even given the waiting times and paper work, Canadians are still
more satisfied with their health care.
|
What
works here is the detail she uses in her rebuttal: while a bit on heavy
on the "fact" side, she effectively demonstrates that while there may
be longer waits, at least people will receive health care.
Specific Examples
Readers love examples. Readers love stories. Hey, how about combining the two? Okay, let's.
Preventative
care means to act ahead of, keep from occurring, just in case. Just in
case? This had to be the question Emily, a 24 year-old graduate
student, asked herself when a lump was discovered on her thigh. Her
doctor wanted her to
get
an MRI to find out whether it was cancerous. But Emily's student policy
didn't cover the $2,000 procedure, so she skipped it. Several weeks
later, during outpatient surgery to remove the lump, Emily's surgeon
found a rare, invasive cancer underneath the benign lump -- with only a
20 to 40 percent survival rate. The skipped MRI could have detected the
cancer much sooner, improving her chances for recovery. (Clemmitt 267)
Get
an MRI "just in case" it is cancerous. This is what Emily heard when
she weighed the cost of the procedure against her earnings. Do you
believe Emily could have predicted the future? Should Americans have to
weigh their prediction capabilities against their earnings? Most people
think not, but should we even have to try? Should medical decisions be
based on looking into a health future crystal ball? But since we cannot
predict the future of our health, it is time we let a single payer
health care system determine our health instead of a common glass
globe. The sooner the country makes that switch, the sooner our
preventative health care will improve -- and the sooner we will stop
burying students like Emily. |
The
age of Emily helps here -- twenty four, an age when students think more
about their futures than health insurance. The detail in the narrative
helps as well as does the analogy of the crystal ball at the end. Note
how the last paragraph takes the story of Emily and explains its ramifications in detail. You'll be pushing your explanations in a similar fashion in your own essays.
An
effective example often involves telling a story about how _____ (your
division) effects a person. Try choosing a division to focus on
and then write a separate paragraph that tells a story illustrating
this point.
Suggested steps
- Decide which division you'll be adding an example paragraph to.
-
Pick out information/evidence that focuses on an individual (newspaper
articles are often the best). This could be personal, or taken
from the readings
- Right after your initial paragraph on your division, start a new "example" paragraph with a transition sentence
One
way this ______ (division term) directly effects people is ____.
- In this new paragraph, tell a story which illustrates the point you made in the previous paragraph.
- At end of paragraph, tie back to division and be sure to clarify why/how the examples shows your division is good or bad.
Analogies
A
particularly effective way of adding detail is to make analogies; this
involves finding a comparison with a given fact, event, or idea and
connecting it to something more familiar to readers.
Thomas used three analogies in a paragraph describing some of the problems with the Iraq war.
One
major problem with the Iraq war is the human cost. A life is
irreplaceable. Unlike pieces of machinery that can be fixed and
replaced, once a person has died, there is no repair or replacement.
Unfortunately, many soldiers and civilians have been killed in Iraq. By
early 2007, over three thousand coalition troops had been killed, and
by October 2006, at least 655,000 Iraqi soldiers and civilians had been
killed (Aliprandini and Ricks). Those people unfortunate enough to lose
their lives to war include, fathers, sons, uncles, best friends,
sisters, cousins and mothers. For an idea of the number of people this
involves, the casualties would fill the New York Giants football
stadium eight times over.
|
The
opening analogy comparing a person to a machine is effective because it
clearly shows that death is final. The second analogy, with the list of
different categories of personal relationships appeals to our emotions:
we all have people who fall into the categories and whose deaths would
cause grief. The final analogy helps us comprehend a large number. I
found this particularly effective, because if a number is over a
thousand, it's difficult to really get a mental picture of its size.
Filling a stadium eight times provides a picture of people filling in,
vanishing, and being replaced -- eight times. Taken together, these
analogies help flesh out the ideas and facts Thomas used in his
argument.
Argumentative Discourse
In
essay #1, the emphasis was on keeping your opinion out. Here, the
emphasis is on putting your opinion in. To shift your language into an
argumentative discourse, try the sentence starters below.
- The problem with ___ is that _____.
- This ______ helps/hurts society/America/people because __________.
- The advantage/s disadvantage/s of ________ is/are _______.
- If _____ continues then _________.
- One implication of ____ is that _______.
- X believes that ____ helps/hurts/will add to debt/etc. On the contrary/Unfortunately,
it will ______.
|
Another
way of keeping the readers focused on your argument is to use
repetition of key words (within reason, of course) or synonyms within
the paragraph to keep readers focused on the topic of that paragraph.
Think of them as a friendly nudge on the shoulder of the reader that
says "Hey you, this is my point -- stop thinking about what you'll have
for lunch tomorrow and pay attention"
Introductions
Remember
that introductions serve two purposes: 1) get the reader interested in
the topic; and 2) start reader thinking about your topic.
The key here is to choose a particular pattern/approach and work it out: don't wander in your introduction.
Some organizational methods for introductions include:
- Compare and contrast
- Connect your topic with a current event
- Use a then and now comparison or contrast
- Narrative: tell an illustrative story
- Historical events: connect your topic to a historical event
- Analogy: as we learned with essay #1, make an analogy.
Chris
Joe the Plumber: America and Our Beloved Income Inequality
Joe
The Plumber. His name was plastered all over the news during the 2008
presidential election campaign. He was a pawn used by the McCain
campaign to represent the majority of the American population,
specifically average salaries and the taxes paid on those wages. The
McCain campaign used Joe The Plumber to attack the progressive tax
policy that Senator Barrack Obama had suggested during his campaign,
suggesting that a tax plan of that nature would be harmful to the
American citizens. The strategy was partially dependent on the concept
of income inequality. Income inequality is the separation of the
country's top wage earners and the rest of the populace. The gap
between the highest earners and the rest of the country is continuously
growing, as Roger Lowenstein, a New York Times Magazine
contributor points out. "In 1979, the upper 1 percent of the United
States collected 9 percent of total income. Now they get 16 percent."
Income inequality happens when a select few earn the majority of the
money in the country. Most of the 20th century has seen a relatively
low income inequality, but Elizabeth Gudrais, associate editor of Harvard Magazine,
thinks that is all changing. She believes that "income inequality has
been rising since the late 1970's, and now rests at a level not seen
since the Gilded Age - roughly 1870 to 1900, a period in U.S. history
defined by the contrast between the excesses of the super-rich and the
squalor of the poor." When the super rich are making extravagant
purchases, and Joe The Plumber is having his home foreclosed, that is
income inequality. This inequality is bad for America because it makes
earning a living wage more difficult, it allows the super rich to gain
an unfair control over the government that was designed to represent
and benefit everybody, and a higher percentage of people become sick
because they cannot afford health care. |
Chris
used an idea that, at the time, was in the news. Referring to current
events or people can be an effective way of engaging readers.
Jason
To Speak One's Mind, or to Mind One's Speech?
Speaking
the truth -- or at least what you view as the truth -- is an important
freedom that Americans should venerate. Much of the world is not able
to voice their opinion of their leaders, or the decisions made by these
leaders that affect their day to day livelihood. Iraqi's under the
regime of Saddam Hussein, Afghani's under the Taliban's rule, Cuban's
residing under the dictatorship of Castro, all faced censorship and
oppression, if not down right brutality. One need only look as far back
as the Olympic torch relays in China , when protests over China 's
involvement with Tibet were suppressed, to see that political dissent
is often not tolerated in many nations around the world. While most
people, even those dwelling under tyranny and oppression, can look
around and see that something is wrong with their government or the
laws they live under, few have the opportunity to change what is wrong.
In America , change is often set in motion with the freedom of speech.
Before Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat, before the civil
disobedience that marked the end of years of civil oppression, Dr.
Martin Luther King began speaking his mind about the injustices
prevalent in America at the time. Political dissent is the spark that
ignites the friction between the legislators and constituents and
results in change. Reform needs only a solitary voice to courageously
stand up and say, "This is wrong", like Dr. King. Particularly in times
of war and national crisis, dissent is the power of the people to be
heard, and to challenge the government. With the likelihood of
differing viewpoints and beliefs in times of turmoil, it is especially
important that free speech be protected, for and by those who refuse to
blindly stand in line and resound with a "Yes Sir!" to policies and
procedures contrary to their beliefs. Political dissent, especially
during war and crisis, helps America , because the inherent right to
disagree with the popular opinions of the nation and say so is an
integral part of living in a democracy, freedom of speech is essential
for an informed citizenry, and dissent allows the citizenry to
challenge political and social injustices. |
Jason
makes a number of historical references here -- which works well given
his position that dissent is a natural part of history.
Alena
A Personal Conflict with the War in Iraq
On
September 11, 2001, I was sitting in class-- probably doodling on my
notebook -- and barely tuning into my teacher. A sophomore in high
school without a care in the world, that was until two planes hit the
World Trade Center. Never before have I or anyone in my generation
witnessed an act of international terrorism like this. Before we knew
it, our country was at war with Iraq. During the next seven years I
personally was not affected by the war. I didn't have anyone close that
was living it. That was until I met my boyfriend, who is an Army
Ranger. Now the war is affecting my life everyday and I firmly believe
with not only my heart, but from my research in this class, that
America should not have entered Iraq.
Declaring
war and entering Iraq was a decision made by President Bush and
Congress based on fallacies. After the terror attacks that took place
on September 11, 2009, President Bush and the American people were
seeking justice and retaliation for the attacks. In March 2003, when we
set foot on Iraqi grounds, the war began. Although President Bush felt
the war was necessary, many Americans, including myself felt it was
unjust. The decision made by our President seemed rushed and with the
overwhelming information rebutting his reasons, there was no real cause
to jump into war. America should not have invaded Iraq because there
was no evidence of weapons of mass destruction, no proven links that
al-Qaeda was linked to Iraq, and the high cost, financially, and
emotionally. |
Alena
uses a personal story to move into her topic: while not all instructors
approve of this, I find it an effective way to engage readers.
Patricia
Growing up in the Philippines, a developing country, I was exposed to
all walks of life: the affluent, the middle class, and the poor. The
rich traveled internationally many times in a year. They had country
clubs where they played golf or rode their horses. Some of the affluent
children were trained to be equestrians, which the low class could only
dream of. The affluent basically had all the comfort, money and luxury
that the middle and low classes could only wish for.
The middle
class were the people who lived better lives than the poor but not as
luxurious and comfortable as the rich. People of the middle class could
afford to eat at the restaurants at least once or twice a week. They
could travel once in a while, like going to Manila (capital of the
Philippines) during summer. Despite the seemingly comfortable lives of
the middle class, they, too, suffered from competition with the rich.
For instance, middle class entrepreneurs were having difficult times
competing with fast food chains since their richer counterparts had
more money to invest in advertising and had more famous names.
Aside
from the affluent and the middle class, there was also the low class.
They had terrible living conditions—some were homeless. Their jobs were
not stable and the working conditions were poor. For instance, I
remember seeing in the news the farmers of Hacienda Luisita (one of the
oldest and famous haciendas in the Philippines) rallying because,
according to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, they were "only
given work once a week with a take-home pay of as low as P9.50
[approximately 0.18 cents in US Dollars]," which was far below the
minimum wage. The three aforementioned scenarios show how different and
how alarming the living conditions of each class are due to income
inequality. To my disappointment, I thought to myself with a sigh,
"That’s the real world, the stark difference between the fortunate and
the less fortunate. Why does it seem that the poor gets poorer each
year? Is it because the rich are greedy?" Those were my thoughts as a
young girl back then. I thought America was the best place in the
world—Disney World was there. Being innocent as I was, I thought that
all the Americans were rich because they lived in the land of
opportunity.
But after being
exposed to articles on income inequality and poverty here in America,
it finally hit me that even the richest countries have problems with
income inequality. Alan Greenblatt, the writer of "Upward Mobility,"
shows how substantial the difference is between average incomes of the
rich and the poor in America:
In
2000 the average income of the top 1 percent of American households was
189 times that of the bottom 20 percent, compared to 1979 when the top
was earning 133 times as much. By 2001, The Economist
reports, the top 1 percent of American households earned 20 percent of
the income and held 33.4 percent of all the net worth — their biggest
slice since the 1920s. (371)
The
data shows that as years go by, the affluent gains more, while the poor
remains poor. Due to the growing income inequality, poverty level is on
the rise. As of 2004, "the poverty rate increased to 12.7 percent, from
12.5 percent in 2003" (Leonhardt). New York had the highest increase in
poverty level—from 19 percent, it rose to 20.3 percent (Leonhardt).
Just as income inequality weakened my home country, it can weaken my
adopted country because it leads to the increase in the mortality rate
of the poor, it slows income mobility, and it hinders economic growth. |
Patricia
mixes a personal story with a comparison/analogy to another country.
Again, this can make for an effective introduction.
So you have several options for your introduction:
- Connect your topic to current events
- Relate
to personal experience -- this can be from your own life or the story
of someone else that you've uncovered in your research.
- Use historical information; a variation of this is a then and now contrast or comparison
- Analogy (remember we used these in essay #1)
- For many of these topics, polling data -- people's opinions -- can make for an effective opening.
Proofreading
See packet for before and after proofreading samples. Setting Up Quotes
Remember
that quotes need to be set up by providing a context -- setting up for
the reader how the quote fits into your argument and why you are using
it.
Consider the following sentences
It
took a couple of centuries but the liberals were finally able to free
the slaves by means of a civil war and the Emancipation Proclamation.
Although it still took many, many years for the African-Americans to
enjoy true liberty, they were free to lead their own lives. "In certain
places, it denied black Americans the right to sit where they wished on
a public bus, to drink from a public water fountain, to eat in
restaurants, to stay in hotels, to go to public schools with whites or
to vote." (253). |
As
written, the "bus" quote refers back to the time of the Emancipation
Proclamation -- 1863 -- which of course is incorrect. And who wrote
this sentence?
It
took a couple of centuries, but liberals were finally able to free
slaves by means of a civil war and the Emancipation Proclamation.
Although it still took many, many years for the African-Americans to
enjoy true liberty, they were free to lead their own lives. Yet
liberals realized that the battles fought during the Civil War were not
finished. As late as the 1960s, Roger Rosenblatt reports that people of
color were not allowed "[. . .] to sit where they wished on a public
bus, to drink from a public water fountain, to eat in restaurants, to
stay in hotels, to go to public schools with whites or to vote" (253). |
With this in mind, it's time to tidy up your citations: be sure to
introduce each quote with an introductory phrase, and be sure to
accurately cite your source, whether you use quotations, summaries, or
paraphrases. If citing the introductory material before the essays, be
sure to let the reader know who is speaking -- and where you got the
information from. In particular, you'll need to use "qtd. in" (an
abbreviation for quoted in) in your parenthetical citation (count the
"in"s in this sentence). This phrase lets the reader know that while
you're quoting from a particular person, that person is not included in
your works cited sheet. An example will make this clearer.
Making Connections: Transitions and Setting Up Quotes
Many
students tell me they want to work on the "flow" of their essays. One
way of developing a smooth flow is by moving the reader carefully from
one sentence to the next. The examples below, from before and after
proofreading, illustrate how adding just a few short sentences can help
a reader better understand your idea and thus your argument.
Tip for cohesion
Remember
that when moving from sentence to sentence, readers must be able to
follow your logic. This is accomplished by using transitions. The
"This" in the previous sentence illustrates one way of knitting
together your thinking/writing -- and is an important word to keep in
mind. By referring back to "follow your logic," the "This" acts as a
bridge, a connection between the two points you're making in your
sentences. Another way to make a connection is to use words like
"another" (for a list of such words, see below). Connections can also
be made by repetition, as in this sentence where I repeat the word
"connection" from the previous sentence. Using repetition and
transition words keep readers focused on the main topic of your
paragraph/idea, which in turn makes it easier for readers to follow
your logic. |
By
now you should be wondering, "well, how do I come up with effective
transitions?" Easy. Working one paragraph at a time, develop/brainstorm
a list of synonyms or words/phrases associated with the focus of that
paragraph (Example? In a paragraph on "work" you might include words
like job, wages, time-clock, employer, employee, labor, etc.). Keep
this list handy as you revise /proofread , and be sure to insert these
words throughout the paragraph.
Punctuation Nation
| An
"economic crisis", that seems to be the two most frequently used words
today in America, all over the news and from every politician's mouth. |
How many words does a sentence need to have? One? Two?
Consider using fragments for a dramatic effect.
| Economic crisis. These seem to be the two most frequently used words in American media today. |
It's All Academic
A
major difference between academic writing and journalism is precision.
Consider the following two sentences from a student essay
| America is fighting a never ending war. |
Sounds great -- dramatic effect and all. But is this true? Is the war really never ending?
The student added a qualifier to the sentence that makes the argument/point valid as opposed to a generalization.
| America is fighting a war that seems never ending. |
This
second version is the more precise and academic version of this
sentence. And since this is a course in academic writing, it's the way
to go.
Avoiding Plagiarism
For
some reason, when some students write this essay, they forget
everything they've been taught, and revert back to high school
mentality: "Essay assignment? Cool! I'll just copy and paste from the
internet and have it completed in no time!" While I can't explain why
this delusions occurs, I can offer examples of it, and suggestions on
how to avoid it. First examples
"Egalitarians
believe that inequality is unjust and justice requires a society to
move steadily toward greater equality. This is the aim and the
justification of proportional taxation, affirmative action, equal
opportunity programs, and of the whole panoply of anti-poverty policies
that bring us ever closer to the socialist dream of a welfare state.
These policies cost money. The egalitarian approach to getting it is to
tax those who have more in order to benefit those who have less. The
absurdity of this is that egalitarians suppose that justice requires
ignoring whether people deserve what they have and whether they are
responsible for what they lack. They suppose it just to ignore the
requirements of justice"(Kekes, John). Income inequality in the United
States is the extent to which income, most commonly measured by
household or individual, is distributed in an uneven
manner.<<<THIS SENTENCE IS TAKEN DIRECTLY FROM THE WIKI ESSAY
ON INCOME INEQUALITY AND IS NOT CITED. THIS EQUALS PLAGIARISM It has
been going on since society ever discovered a higher, middle or lower
class and it still growing today. Income inequality is good for America
because it increases motivation for individuals and promotes a free
market capitalist society through competition, which in turn, creates
more wealth for more individuals. |
This
student did the ole' "copy and paste from the internet" method of
writing, which results in an automatic F. Do I need to add you should
avoid this? Good, didn't think so.
Sometimes the plagiarism isn't as obvious. Consider the student example below:
America
's problems with the Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein go back many years.
So when we suspected he was building weapons of mass destruction, the
U.S, along with Britain built a case for urgent invasion. Saddam
Hussein's hostility to the West, and his alleged support of
international terrorists, made it even more imperative to invade Iraq
(Alaprandi). |
The problem here is that Alaprandi's essay has a sentence which reads
U.S.
and Britain built a case for urgent invasion based on the suspected
weapons programs, Saddam Hussein's hostility to the West, and his
alleged support of international terrorists. |
The solution is simple: add quotation marks.
America
's problems with the Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein go back many years.
So when we suspected he was building weapons of mass destruction, the
U.S., along with Britain "built a case for urgent invasion. Saddam
Hussein's hostility to the West, and his alleged support of
international terrorists, made it even more imperative to invade Iraq
"(Alaprandi). |
The
lesson with this example is that it is okay to mix summaries with
quotes -- as long as you clearly separate the wording from the source
with quotation marks.
How to avoid it in the first place?
- Manage
your time and meet the deadlines posted in the syllabus (not doing this
is probably the main reason students resort to plagiarism);
- Take writer's notes;
- Plan
your essay. Even this late in the semester, after seeing the advantage
of working from an outline, a few students still try to just try to
write it "off the top of my head." As you've discovered, academic
essays take time and require detailed use of sources and explanations.
This kind of complex and reasoned thinking doesn't "just happen" -- you
have to plan it. We've review reason and evidence sheets, formal
outlines, mapping, and making lists to organize your thinking. Choose
one.
4/14/10 |