Revision Essay 2
Organization | Introductions | Making Arguments | Context
Organization
We were here with Essay 1 as well. I'll make it simple:
organization rules. Without it, your essay is cold oatmeal;
with it, your essay is chocolate layer cake. And most readers
like chocolate. And cake.
Look for the following when revising to clarify your
organization:
- Clear thesis and divisions
- Clear topic sentences with repetition of division
word (see below for example)
- Repetition of division word within paragraph
- You could also develop list of synonyms connected
to division work. For instance, in a paragraph discussing an oppressive
society, you could use words like suppress, control, hold back, etc. to
keep readers focused on your main point.
- Break divisions into two paragraphs?
Below you'll find a sample thesis statement and topic
sentences from a student essay. In each case, note
how the draft is improved after revision.
Draft Thesis
Jiles’ references to family, small animals, and matches express her
anger towards gender inequality.
Revised Thesis
Jiles’ references to family, small animals, and matches show a girl
rejecting the gender inequality of home life and getting ready to march.
Draft Topic Sentence
By questioning her position as a woman in her family, Jiles reveals her
anger towards gender inequality.
Revised Topic
Sentence
In the speaker’s questioning of her domestic role, Jiles reveals her
frustration with gender inequality.
Draft Topic Sentence
Jiles’ anger is also revealed through her and her aunt’s position
inside the home.
Revised Topic
Sentence
Jiles’ frustration is also revealed through the speaker’s and her
aunt’s position inside the home.
Draft Topic Sentence
References to small animals also express Jiles’ anger towards gender
inequality.
Revised Topic
Sentence
In addition to questioning the family, references to small animals
express Jiles’ anger towards gender inequality.
Draft Topic Sentence
Matches symbolize the fury Jiles feels towards the inequalities women
face.
Revised Topic
Sentence
Finally, the matches of the title captures the fury Jiles feels about
the inequalities facing women.
Note in each of these topic sentences how there is a
word or phrase that refers directly back to the division. This kind of
repetition is a reader's friend: it guides them through your thinking
so they can concentrate on how well you explain/prove your point. It
also helps you, the writer, out by reminding you to make your points
concise and to stay focused on individual ideas.
Introductions
But first, a reminder about titles. In academic writing, colons are
often used in titles to
separate a
"catchy" title from a more specific one. See below for an example
What is it Good For?:
Questioning War in "The End and the Beginning"
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This allows you to be creative yet clearly state the
subject of your essay.
And now, back to introductions.
It's always good to make a strong first impression. And let's
clear one thing up right off the bat. Remember that old high
school standard, "this is what I'm going to
write about" introduction?
Yawn.
Don't make your readers sleepy: get their attention by
- using an analogy/comparison
- using a specific example
- telling a story
- providing information about the time period or culture
Also remember to work on transitioning into your thesis. In
the two introductions below, pay attention to how the writer moves us
from the introduction into the thesis itself.
And remember to mention the author's name and the title of poems.
How about some examples?
“You
Started It:” The Phenomena of Putrefied Passion |
Ancient Rome. Everything seems to be marble, and classical thought seems to be at its height. Everyone is intelligent, mature, and thoughtful, right? Is Julius Caesar running around spouting the latest wisdom and political theory? Wrong. Ancient Rome is a hot mess. Yes there were beautiful structures, but the people in them didn’t always act with the dignity implied in their marble effigies. Caligula tried to give his horse the highest elected position in government and Nero burned Rome to the ground to rebuild it as he wished. Truth be told, Ancient Rome was not that different from modern day America. Nepotism is still rampant, thankfully without horses, and political parties tear down all that has been established to recreate it however they wish. There are even similarities in the citizens. People whined and cried when they could not marry their true love and citizens worked hard to party harder, just as they do today. Citizens must deal with the same drama from their personal lives that modern people must deal with—betrayal, heartache, and misery. It makes sense, then, that the people turned to poets to mirror their own feelings, just as people do today. Poets have always had something to say about love, or lack thereof. In Ancient Rome, Gaius Valerius Catullus was writing about his own experiences with the emotion. In one of his poems, now numbered 83, he writes bitterly of an encounter with his ex-lover, Lesbia, and her husband. The reader may identify with the speaker in the unpleasant moment of seeing someone you love with another or his callow reactions to that very moment. Catullus’ immaturity is seen through his name-calling, harsh diction, and desire to cause heartache. |
Great use of a short sentence to grab your attention -- many cleverly
worded phrases and descriptive word choices to pull in readers.
The sentence "It makes sense, then, that the people turned to poets to
mirror their
own feelings, just as people do today. Poets have always had something
to say about love, or lack thereof" begins the transition into the
thesis and then the following sentence "In Ancient Rome, Gaius
Valerius Catullus was writing about his own experiences with the
emotion" clinches it for the reader.
Let's take a look at another intro.
Dover
Beach |
In the poem, “Dover Beach”, by Matthew Arnold, rings fourth the idea of losing faith in humanity by the use of foreboding, and the use of abrupt sounds that represent negativity, and referencing faith. The reader can assume the poem is based on the central idea that humanity is destroying all that is supposed to be peaceful, thus the speaker is losing faith in which the world he lives in. |
I was worried about this essay when I read the title (a bit too basic)
and saw that it was underlined (a sign that the student hadn't reviewed
MLA format as instructed).
This isn't so much an introduction: it's more of a thesis.
This is the kind of introduction that makes readers sleepy .
. . and sleepy is not the feeling you want to induce in readers.
What about sources? How about another introduction? Good questions.
Being Known and Being Human: Emotional Connections in Poetry
What does spending the day folding laundry mean? What about helping someone move or buying someone an expensive gift? For some, it is a boring household chore or social responsibility. For others, it is an act of love. They can just be meaningless actions or they can be signals that someone cares. These personal connections, these acts of kindness, keep people thriving. It stops loneliness, it opens people up, and allows true intimacy to happen. This is a key characteristic of being human—knowing someone and being loved. That is why poets so often write about intimacy. J. Ross Eshleman, an author of sociology, and Dr. Juanne Clarke, a professor at Wilfrid Laurier University who focuses on social research, define intimacy as “any close association or friendship that involves informal warmth, openness, and sharing” (qtd. in Moss and Schwebel 32). Poets often get to the heart of the matter—they do not try to cover up true emotion. Poets could just as easily write that everything is fine and that they do not feel anything one way or another. It would be so much easier—imagine a poet writing a poem about someone she secretly loves and the subject finding it. That would be horrifying and embarrassing—but poets continue to write because it is human emotion. If poets were not going to be honest, it would be easier for them to never write anything at all. No one cares about what poets are pretending to feel, readers want true, unfiltered emotion. The scenario in poems may be fabricated, but the underlying feeling is not. Poets all over the world share their most intimate feelings, and their speaker’s most intimate feelings, with the world. This is evident in the British poet Wilfred Owen’s poem “Dulce et Decorum Est,” American poet Kim Addonizio’s “First Poem for You,” and “Beets” by Mihaela Moscaliuc, a Romanian poet. In these poems, intimacy is drawn from the speakers’ experiences of war, lust, and love. |
Note that the source in the introduction above doesn't even mention poetry: it's about the pyschology of intimacy. Sources don't have to be "literary" to be effective. Since poetry deals with emotions, war, love, politics, it's fitting that your secondary sources may refer to those topics instead of the poem itself. A suggestion? Search the idea of your thesis (hopelessness; joy) and/or your divisions when looking for sources.
The final introduction, below, finds us back in the hands of a writer
who's taken the time to craft a more engaging -- and thus non yawn
inducing -- intro.
Struck with Fury:
Jiles’ Anger Towards Gender Inequality in “Paper Matches” |
Imagine a young woman in the 1960s: she’s faced with two choices. Choice one involves embracing the traditional suburban role of husband, home, and two and half kids. Her life will form a routine involving shopping, cooking, cleaning, and child care. In short, she can accept her role as a domesticated woman. Choice two involves taking it to the streets. Instead of accepting the status quo she can join the millions of other women who marched, burned their bras, and shook off the role of house-slave. Instead of standing in line at a grocery, she can embrace her anger and march on Washington, ERA sign in hand. But before choosing to conform or resist, she has to grow up and make sense of the world around them. This growth is on display in Paulette Jiles’ poem “Paper Matches,” which smolders with a “quiet anger” as the speaker realizes the inequities facing women (Mansbridge). Jiles’ references to family, small animals, and matches show a girl rejecting the gender inequality of home life and getting ready to march.
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Great use of transition sentences -- "But
before choosing to conform or resist, she has to grow up and make sense
of the world around them. This growth is on display in
Paulette Jiles’
poem “Paper Matches,” which smolders with a “quiet anger” as the
speaker realizes the inequities facing women (Mansbridge)" -- to move
from the main idea of the intro into the subject (poetry) and specific
topic ("Paper Matches").
Sharp word choice throughout as well.
Making
Arguments
Parts of a Body Paragraph For literary essays, body paragraphs tend to follow a pattern::
- Topic Sentence (which refers back to the thesis and division)
- Framing (provides background information so readers can understand the argument)
- Evidence (quotes/examples from the work under discussion)
- Explanation (how and why the examples prove the validity of your division/thesis. How to
Make Arguments below for additional suggestions.
- Closing (tying up the arguments instead of just petering out to the stop)
Example 1
Thesis: Catullus’
immaturity is seen through his name-calling, harsh diction,
and desire to cause heartache.
Name-calling
is, at its core, a childish method of dealing with someone. At any
given playground, there will be children attempting to deal with their
frustration by lashing their anger out through the only semi-excusable
offense their underdeveloped brains can understand: using humiliating
names. Rather than dealing with his own feelings, Catullus is
attempting to derogate Lesbia’s husband by calling him a “jackass” (3).
In the poem, the husband has done nothing to the speaker besides find
his misery “amusing” (2). This does not seem to be cause for insulting
the husband—he has done no physical or true emotional distress to
Catullus. The description of Lesbia’s husband as a “fatuous person”
also illustrates the juvenility of the speaker. A child would just as
easily call someone they dislike stupid or silly (2). A mature adult
would have handled the situation better. If an adult heard that someone
took enjoyment in his suffering, he would simply brush it off, chalk it
up to personal difference, or he might take small offense after all.
However, a mature adult would not insult the other with a silly name
like horse or camel; he would more likely insult the other on a deeper,
more personal level. Children have yet to develop the skills, or
comprehension, for anything deeper than surface level insults. Either
Catullus’ does not know the husband well enough to hate him for
anything other than his relationship with Lesbia, or he simply does not
have the ability to think of a better, more pertinent insult. Both
instances imply that he is not thinking on a deeper level. Catullus’
need to put down someone else to feel better about his current
situation is incredibly similar to that of a playground bully. His
insults of “jackass” and “fatuous person” are juvenile, and show the
level of maturity he was bringing into his relationship with Lesbia. |
This paragraph works because . . .
- The writer frames the argument by providing a background context to
help reader understand the argument
- Uses “real-life” contrasts
- Ties up the argument at the end with a concluding sentence: without it,
as Ms. Esposito (previous student) noted, it wouldn’t work.
Example 2
By questioning her position as a woman in her family, Jiles reveals her anger towards gender inequality. In the American 40’s and 50’s, women were expected to be exceptional housekeepers. Tending to children, tidying, and preparing meals were duties women were expected to complete without argument. While many women take joy in caring for a home and family, being forced to do so is unfair and degrading. The speaker of “Paper Matches” became angry because of her assigned role when she noticed the unequal treatment of her female family members. The poem begins with the speaker’s observation of her family’s dynamic – she states “My aunts washed dishes while the uncles squirted each other on the lawn with garden hoses” (1). Her aunt’s roles are similar to that of a maid, while “the uncles” play merrily outside. Stating “my aunts” but “the uncles” exposes the divide Jiles felt as woman compared to the men of her family, revealing the inequality’s she already begun to experience at home (1). Using “the” rather than “my” exposes the level of resentment Jiles has towards her own family members because of their privilege as males (1). Jiles’ resentment and anger indicates the level of inequality she faced in her own home; a level high enough to warrant the separation of herself from the males in her family.
Jiles’ anger is also revealed through her and her aunt’s position inside the home. While washing dishes with her aunts and observing her uncles play outside with hoses, the speaker asked "why are we in here... and they are out there" (3). Her questioning - especially her observation of “the uncle’s” freedom to play outside while she had to work - reveals the speaker’s anger growing in regards to her entrapment indoors (1). Because women were expected to care for their family’s home, they did not have the luxury to go outside, play in the sun, and relax in their own dwelling. They had to constantly work to keep their home pristine – or face judgment from friends, family, and society in general. Jiles’ questioning of her forced position inside reveals her annoyance towards her uncles, as their freedom to play outside emphasizes how unfair the expectation for women to constantly work indoors was. Later, the speaker’s "Aunt Hetty" expressed that "that’s the way it is," suggesting her acceptance of her repressed role (5). The speaker regarded her aunt as "the shriveled up one," which supports the idea that the speaker believes her aunt has been defeated by her oppression, and has come to accept it (6). The speaker does not accept her aunts answer as she compares her own “rages” to that of a small animal, proving that her role in her family causes her anger because of the inequalities she faces in it. The speaker's anger towards gender inequality is revealed through her own unequal treatment in her family |
Two paragraphs on one division? Yep. That's sometimes what it
takes to fully develop your argument.
Again, the writer frames the argument right after the topic sentence,
helping the reader "see where they're coming from" -- understand the
background and context of their point.
What works in these paragraphs is the slow, careful reading of the
poem.
Example 3
In the example below we see a student working with a
Shakespeare sonnet -- and my comments.
Both the frankness of Shakespeare’s contradictions and the simple imagery he creates in this poem show how true his words are. <<FRAME ARGUMENT HERE BY EXPLAINING HOW, IN GENERAL, SIMPLE IMAGERY/COMPARISONS EQUAL TRUE LOVE.>> In line 2 he says, “Coral is far more red than her lips’ red.” Focusing on the “far more;” it is rather displeasing to hear, as though he is far more strident than is necessary. But by listening to it in the right tone, you see that he is using the mocking nature of the poem to be realistic and factual. Perhaps his lover’s lips are not very red. Should he tell her that they are anyway,<<NO COMMA so she feels like she meets the standards of society?<<GOOD USE OF A RHETORICAL QUESTION Most would say no, and that is the message of this poem. He is telling her that she is wonderful and perfect in his eyes just the way she is. In the following line he then states that, “If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun” (3). If he takes out “why then” and leaves the line as “If snow be white then her breasts are dun,” then it has a different feeling. The importance of “why then” in this statement is to relay the idea, “is it not obvious?” You can hear him saying, “Isn’t it simple when you read it this way?” As the reader, you find yourself answering, “Yes, she is as you say: her eyes are dark, her lips are fair, her hair is ordinary, her breasts and cheeks are as they are, and yet she is as beautiful as you say.” <<GREAT JOB OF WORKING OUT THIS ALTERNATE READING. He does not condescend TO his lover, but rather tells her that she has no standards to meet, because his expectations are met, and her worth goes deeper than the superficiality of appearance. The reality of his words, even though they are not beautiful on the surface, portrays the truthfulness of his love.<<NICE WRAP UP HERE. |
The alternate wording and careful exposition of her argument makes this
a clear and interesting paragraph.
Example 4
Thesis: Although some readers interpret Blake’s poetry as devoutly religious, it really is against religion. Blake raises doubt in “The Tyger” by having his speakers question religion through ambiguity in pronouns, omission of words, and god’s role in evil.
“The Tyger” also evokes a questioning tone towards religion by ommitting a key figure: god. In poetry word choice is imperative to convey a deeper meaning. If a writer chooses to put a specific word or phrase there is a reason. Conversely, if a writer leaves out a word it is also significant. In “The Tyger,” Blake chooses to leave the word "god" out of the poem all together. This is significant because it is a poem that talks about creation. To leave god out of it suggests doubt by omission. In addition to leaving god out, the speaker asks eleven unanswered questions in “The Tyger.” Questions are significant because they signify that the speaker is uncertain about the answer. Through a religious context, “The Tyger” sets forth questions which equate to doubt to the answers provided by the church. Questioning the answers given by the church is the first step to questioning the institution as a whole. These types of questions contribute to the tone of “The Tyger.” Songs of Experience, the collection that “The Tyger is published in is described as, “dark, cynical, and angry because society has destroyed the ideal world of innocence” (Stade and Karbiener). The tone is “dark, cynical, and angry” because it does not attempt to give answers to the questions it raises. In fact, it avoids mentioning the central character in Christianity: God. Religion tends to try and sugar coat these answers and look to a higher authority in order to keep its followers happy. Blake keeps his tone dark and uncertain to avoid this doctrine. By doing this Blake is holding his poetry to a higher standard of truth than organized religions. He is encouraging his audience to find truth in literature rather than in sermons. |
Example 5
Thesis: Poets all over the world share their most intimate feelings, and their speaker’s most intimate feelings, with the world. This is evident in the British poet Wilfred Owen’s poem “Dulce et Decorum Est,” American poet Kim Addonizio’s “First Poem for You,” and “Beets” by Mihaela Moscaliuc, a Romanian poet. In these poems, intimacy is drawn from the speakers’ experiences of war, lust, and love.
Intimacy is not only found in war—the apparent lust in Addonizio’s poem shows the speaker’s desire for a more intimate relationship. Sex is one of the most intimate acts people can do. When she gives her body to another, she is trusting her partner when she is at her most vulnerable. However, when people express their emotions honestly with each other, a deeper sense of intimacy is achieved. This is what Addonizio’s speaker wants: she and her partner have satisfied their relationship on a physical level—the desires of the flesh—and now she wants to satiate a deeper need. The couple’s relationship has clearly survived on their physical intimacy, but now they must reach the next level—love or romantic intimacy. The speaker already suggests a future. However, she does not say flat out in the poem that she desires a committed, serious relationship. While touching her lover’s tattoos, she thinks of the ultimatum: their relationship will either “persist” or “turn to pain” (11-12). The reader understands that the speaker prefers one over the other, though. The speaker still touches the tattoos “trying”—trying for a future, trying to make the relationship work, trying to turn their lust into something more (14). Their physical relationship clearly shows that they know each other intimately which lends itself to sexual attraction, or lust, but it is also clear that the couple is missing that mutual affection and desire for a deeper relationship. If the speaker was entirely comfortable with her lover, she would have a better understanding of his potential reciprocation. Her uncertainty in the relationship allows the reader to understand what is still missing. The speaker has already shown her partner where she is most vulnerable physically, and now she needs to show where she is vulnerable emotionally. |
How to Make Arguments
How did the writers above make such good arguments? They realized that quotes do not explain themselves: it's your job as the
writer to make your case by providing the reasoning behind your
decision to include a particular quote.
- Provide context to set up your quotes
- Look at the following aspects of the quote
- Figurative language (metaphor, symbol)
- Characterization (psychological motivations of a character)
Explain how either of these (or both) support your reading of a quote and/or the point you're making in the paragraph.
- Focus
on explaining how your quote proves your point – talk out the
significance of your quote, explaining how and why it proves your point
by using
- Analogies
- "If . . . then" sentence patterns
- Historical Connections
- Contrast or comparison
- Definitions of word
- Try using a verb from the following list to shift into argument
agree
argue
believe
charge
claim
comment |
conclude
consider
criticize
declare
describe
define |
discover
emphasize
explain
feels
illustrate
imply |
indicate
reinforce
reveals
shows
suggests
supports |
Sample sentences which follow these patterns include
This ____ suggests that _______
They indicate the ____
This emphasis on finding ______ suggests that ___________
Connected to this ____ is the notion _______.
By explaining _____, the _______ is reinforced/clarified/revealed.
The connotations of ____ suggest/illustrates/reveals that _______.
The literary critic ____ argues that this _____ is crucial. He/she writes that ___
Supporting this idea of the war as an oppressive force, the narrator adds __________
The description reinforces the idea that ______. |
Note
how these sentences often refer back to a point and then use a verb
from the list to advance and build an argument. The verbs from the list
encourage you to ask a "how" or "why" question, which often leads to an
argument.
Analogies
Consider how the following analogies help make an idea/argument clearer.
Rather than a stocky
scrapbook filled with glossy photos of first dates, bad
haircuts, and failed trends of years past, the etchings in the tally
stick evokes the
decades and gentle satisfaction of their relationship. |
Much like a personnel director going through a pile of resumes, dating is the time for sorting out
applicants and rejecting those whose credentials do not meet current wants and
needs and shows no potential for growth, not unlike a job application. |
Context
Instead of just sticking in a quote, we've learned to prepare readers for it by providing information so they can understand why you're including the quote and prime their thinking for your argument.
Note how in each of the examples below, the writer anticipates the quote so readers get that pleasing "ping!" sensation deep in their brain as they see the connection between idea and quote.
Example 1
Throughout his poem, “The Tyger,” Blake’s use of pronouns becomes confusing; it is hard to decipher who Blake is referring to in the poem. This can be seen when he asks “What the hammer? what the chain, / In what furnace was thy brain?” (13,14). |
Example 2
However, she does not say flat out in the poem that she desires a committed, serious relationship. While touching her lover’s tattoos, she thinks of the ultimatum: their relationship will either “persist” or “turn to pain” (11-12). |
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© David Bordelon 2016
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