Below you'll find a series of rough drafts and then revised paragraphs.
For each focus on the following criteria:
- Maintaining focus (does the paragraph stay focused on the two parts of the topic sentence?)
- Providing Context (Setting up quotes)
- Explaining quotes (does the paragraph explain how/why the quote proves the validity of the topic sentence?)
- Cohesion (does the paragraph use repetition to help the reader follow its logic)
- Engaging the reader (does the paragraph include vivid descriptions, sharp phrasing, or interesting analogies to keep reader from dozing off?)
Do I have to mention that these will also be the criteria you should use when revising your own paragraph? Good. I didn't think I'd have to mention it.
Rough draft Paragraph 1
Sammy is an everyday hero because his character is flawed. He is not perfect, nor does he pretend to be. Just like everyone else in the world, Sammy has his imperfections. This makes him a realistic hero because he is just that-real. He is an ordinary boy with an ordinary job, but he uses his courage to quit his job for the girls that got embarrassed. He would be considered a hero in everyday life.
Final Draft Paragraph 1
Sammy is an everyday hero because his character is flawed. Just like everyone else in the world, Sammy has imperfections. For instance, his chauvinistic view of women marks him as a character in need of an attitude adjustment. When he poses the question "You never know for sure how girls' minds work (do you really think it's a mind in there or just a little buzz like a bee in a glass jar?)" (15), it's clear that Updike is fashioning a character who is burdened, much like others, with prejudices. This shows that, just like everyone else in the world, Sammy has imperfections. Updike, choosing a first person narrator that allows readers to "hear" Sammy's thoughts, puts these imperfections on display. Yet it is these same flaws that make him a realistic hero. His heroism is not of the rescue-a-woman-from-a-burning-building variety. Instead, he is an ordinary boy with an ordinary job whose courage forces him to quit his job because of Lengel's treatment of the girls. In choosing to quit a job over the treatment of people he does not know, Sammy joins the long line of everyday heroes who stand up for others, regardless of the consequences.
Work Cited
Updike, John. "A&P." Literature: An Introduction to Fiction, Poetry
and Drama. Ed. X. J. Kennedy and Dana Gioia. New York: Longman, 2002.
14-19. Print.
Rough Draft Paragraph 2
Sammy is an everyday hero because his character is flawed. Traditionally, a hero is a supreme being who always achieves in defeating adversaries and providing a happy ending. In reality, heroes of such epic proportions do not exist. Sammy is a realistic hero because while his intentions are righteous and he acts gallantly, he still fails in getting the girl. A traditional hero would have whisked the girl away, defeated the defeated the bad guy, Lengel, and become the new and most celebrated manager of the A&P. The flaws in Sammy's character are seen clearly when in sticking up for the girls Sammy falters and instead of saying something great he mumbles, "I started to say something that came out 'fiddle-de-do'." (18). When Sammy finally makes it outside the girls are gone. Now it is evident that Sammy is a realistic hero because the guy does not always get the girl, and can become tongue-tied just like everyone else.
2nd Rough Draft Paragraph 2
Sammy is an everyday hero because his character is flawed. Traditionally, a hero is a supreme being always succeeds in defeating adversaries leaving readers with a happy ending. In reality, heroes of such epic proportions do not exist. Instead, Sammy is a more realistic hero because while his intentions, on the surface, are righteous -- he Lengel "You didn't have to embarrass them" (18) -- his behavior -- calling a customer a "witch" (14), focusing on the girls' body parts -- reveals not a hero but a stereotypical young adult male who has no patience for others and who views women as sex objects. His flaws are also seen when he tries to respond to Lengel's "It was they who were embarrassing us" (18). Instead of a clever come back, he falters, and mumbles "something that came out 'fiddle-de-do'" (18). This response humanizes him: we've all had that moment when we need a great come back, but become tongue-tied. In the tradition of the classic unsung America hero who rides out of town, Sammy makes his stand at an American institution -- A&P.
Work Cited
Updike, John. "A&P." Literature: An Introduction to Fiction, Poetry
and Drama. Ed. X. J. Kennedy and Dana Gioia. New York: Longman, 2002.
14-19. Print.
Final Draft Paragraph 2
Sammy is an everyday hero because his character is flawed. Traditionally, a hero is a supreme being who gallantly defeats adversaries. In reality, heroes of such epic proportions do not exist. Instead, Sammy is a more realistic hero because while his intentions seem righteous -- he tells Lengel "You didn't have to embarrass them" (18) -- his behavior -- calling a customer a "witch" (14), focusing on the girls' body parts -- is contemptible. His flaws are also seen when he tries to respond to Lengel's comment about the conduct of the girls: "It was they who were embarrassing us" (18). Instead of a clever retort, Sammy falters, and mumbles "something that came out 'fiddle-de-do'" (18). This response humanizes him; we've all had that moment when we need a great come back, but became tongue-tied. These flaws invest his actions with a realism that fits the situation. Sammy's actions reveal a young man whose conscience has awakened. Significantly, Sammy makes this decision at an A&P, an American institution which symbolizes the kind of mindless obedience that Sammy is fighting.
Work Cited
Updike, John. "A&P." Literature: An Introduction to Fiction, Poetry
and Drama. Ed. X. J. Kennedy and Dana Gioia. New York: Longman, 2002.
14-19. Print.
Paragraph 3
Antebellum is known as the time before the war between the north and the south. The south was known for the amount of money that one had or their family. It was also a time that money could buy a place in the political power. William Faulkner the author of “A Rose for Emily” grew up in the time of Antebellum. Faulkner writes about a lady that symbolizes how the people during that time did not like the change of the south. Emily’s family was known for their power in the town. When her father died Emily started to act very strange with the locals and the ones she loved. It started when her father was sick; she did not let anyone in the house to take care of him, once he had died she did not tell anyone for three days. The town’s people finely went into her home and took her father away. At the time she did not show any emotion to the death of her father. Soon after that, there was talk about her using poison for other things then just killing rats and snakes. The town’s people would send their children over to take china painting lessons as if it was a tradition to have them work with her. Emily would tell the children that they could not go into a secret room. After a while the house started too small and people started to question if there was a dead body in her house. Emily had died and it was time to go in to the house the use to be a lovely place where people wanted to see her father. Now that she had died the house “smelled dust and disuse-a close, dank smell” (91), like death lived there longer than just a days. The secret room was the only room that people did not have gone in for year. As the older men opened the door it “seemed to fill the room with pervading dust”(96). Because of the years spent not being cleaned,” a thin, acrid pall as of the tomb seemed to lie everywhere”(96). Homer, Emily’s lover was lying died in the bed; positioned to hold someone. Emily’s gray hair was found on the pillow next to him. This is an example of how after the civil war, people did not want to change their ways; the same way that Emily did not want to change the fact that her father had dead and left her alone. That is way she killed her beloved and slept with him for over thirty years. The way that the house was when to towns people came in symbolized the lack of change that Emily wanted in her life, it may have been viewed as crazy; but she did not want to give up the life that she knew before her father died. It is just like the people down south did not want to give up their power, and do the job by themselves. Like Emily they wanted to keep their memories of the good times with wealth and happiness.
Faulkner, William. “A Rose for Emily” The Bedford Introduction to Literature: Reading, Thinking, Writing. Ed. Michael Meyer. Boston: Bedford/St. Martins, 2008. 90-96. Print
What's the problem with this paragraph?
Paragraph 4
The house in the story “A rose for Emily” is a great example for the
decay of the antebellum south. Emily’s house lives on what once was the
most select streets in her town. .“It was a big, squarish frame house that had once been white, decorated with cupolas and spires and
scrolled balconies in the heavily light some style of the seventies,
set on what had once been our most select street. Now the house is old
and not kept in good condition like it was when Emily was younger,
after her street was taken over by garages and cotton gins. This is a
symbol that times are changing.
But garages and cotton gins had encroached and obliterated even the
August names of that neighborhood; only Miss Emily's house was left.
Lifting its stubborn and coquettish decay above the cotton wagons and
the gasoline pumps; an eyesore among eyesores.” There was not the same
spirit in the town that there once was.” The newer generation became
the backbone and the spirit of the town, and the painting pupils grew
up and fell away and did not send their children to her with boxes of
color and tedious brushes and pictures cut from the ladies' magazines.” Emily was thought to be a much respected woman in her town. People
start to question her status in the town as an upper-class woman when
people started to complain about the smells coming out of Emily’s house
and how they didn’t know how to tell her about the awful odor. "Will
you accuse a lady to her face of smelling bad?" This being a problem
and nobody wanting to say anything to Miss Emily a few men snuck onto
her property to put down lime so the terrible smell would go away.
What's the problem with this draft? What's missing?
What to focus on for revision
- Generalization to set up argument
- Quote selection
- Context -- setting up quote
- Explanation of quote
- Transitions within paragraph
- Deletion
- Clarity of individual sentences
Body paragraph Suggestions
© David Bordelon |