Revision Suggestions for Essay #2
Organization | Introductions | Adding Sources | Making Arguments: General | Rhetorical Argument Patterns | Making Arguments: Paragraph (checklist) | Proofreading | Introducing Quotes
Day 1
We'll be working on organization at the essay and paragraph level then shift to introductions.
Let's take some time looking at the structure of the entire essay:
Essay Level
- Revise thesis statement for clarity -- check divisions for clarity
- Topic sentences: check for repetition of division word and repetition of thesis. Reword for clarity (see below for example).
- Where can you break a division into two paragraphs? (See below for example)
- Transitions between paragraphs (see example topic sentences below and follow link for another quick example)
Now let's move to individual paragraphs:
Paragraph Level
Work on your own time: choose one of your body paragraphs and apply the suggestions above.
Work on your own time: choose two of your body paragraphs and apply the suggestions above on incorporating sources.
Introductions
Time to have fun. A few questions to get the party started:
- Introductions? Why bother?
- What are some techniques you can use to open an essay?
- Can you have a two paragraph introduction?
On to examples and working on your own introductions.
Day 2
ARGUMENTS!!!
Today we'll focus on arguments, which means using argumentative discourse (wording) to let readers know you're making a point; using secondary sources;
- Why isn't yelling at your reader an effective strategy?
- What should you do instead?
- How is a conclusion part of your argument?
Using specific examples
Using argumentative disourse
Developing an argument using analogies, etc. to engage reader
Organization
We'll be looking at two broad components to organization: at the essay level, and then at the paragraph level.
Example Topic Sentence with repetition of thesis and division
Thesis
These men use crude humor, drugs, and self-talk to cope with the present and to escape their inner fear of death.
Draft Topic Sentence: Tim O'Brien relays to his audience that in order to get through war,
sick humor is a necessary coping mechanism for an immediate escape from
war’s reality.
Revised: O'Brien suggests that soldiers often use sick humor as an immediate escape from the war’s reality.
Draft: Just as humorous vocabulary masks their inner feelings, O'Brien
points out that these men do not treat the dead as if they are
dead.
Revised: This humor turns especially dark when the soldiers mistreat the dead.
Draft: Eventually the narrator accepts this humor
as a means of coping and later in life, is awakened at night by the
recurring dream of Curt Lemon's death.
Revised: Although still troubled by dreams of Curt Lemon's death, the narrator eventually accepts that humor helped him cope.
Draft: Though
some use humor as an immediate coping mechanism, Ted Lavender uses
drugs to cope with his fear and thus escape the war.
Revised: Though
some use humor as an immediate coping mechanism, Ted Lavender uses
drugs to cope with his fear and thus escape the war.
Draft: Shortly
after Lavender's death, Lieutenant Jimmy Cross feels that it is his
fault for the death of Ted Lavender. He feels that his use of
Martha as an escape from the war and his responsibilities as lieutenant
got Lavender killed. To cope with his failed coping mechanism,
Jimmy practices self-talk to adversely bring him back to reality.
Revised?:
Subtopics: Two Paragraphs, One Division
Thesis Statement
The
theme that stories can save lives is portrayed in Tim O’Brien’s The
Things They Carried through two main ideas: memories have the ability
to keep people going as well as the power to bring them back to life in
thought.
Setting up subtopics
To
give themselves inspiration to make it through the day, the soldiers
would tell stories to remind themselves of what was waiting for them
back home, as well as make up stories to keep from feeling lifeless.
Blast from the past example on changing topics between paragraphs
Between
paragraphs, the best technique is to repeat a word or idea from the
previous paragraph. As usual, this is best illustrated with an example.
Take a look at the following:
In addition to his character flaws, the end result of Sammy's "heroic" deed makes him a realistic hero.
Without
even reading the previous paragraph, you can tell the subject of it was
_________. That's the advantage of repetition between paragraphs: you
keep reminding the reader of your focus which means you keep reminding
the reader of your argument, which means you keep your reader happy.
Introductions
- Remember that your purpose in an introduction is to draw the reader in -- you can do so by
- Making an analogy as the examples of Joni and Helen show
- Making a reference to a contemporary event (see Alison's example)
- Using a personal example
- This
could from a relative or friend and doesn't have to be war-based. For
instance, if your essay is about coping, it can be an instance of
coping in your own life; if your essay is about love, it can include an
example of how love worked/s for you.
- One note for this: not all professors like personal examples -- always check with instructor before using this.
Let's look at a before and after:
Rough Draft Intro
Currently
there are many resources offered in America to those coping with a
personal or interpersonal problem. The degree of stress varies from
person to person which determines what form of management is needed. A
CEO of a large corporation, for example carries a great deal of weight
on their shoulders. The company has high expectations of a person in
this position and the responsibility level is incredible. Having such
responsibility elevates the level of stress and possibly the need for
regular counseling. Since America offers many forms of support, a
person with a high degree of stress has the ability to satisfy this
lifestyle and find relief. On the other end of the spectrum a college
student can feel stressed over a simple writing assignment. Having low
self-esteem, the student is doubtful they have the ability to achieve
the goal and often will worry about succeeding. With the need for
guidance the student can attend a few meetings with a writing center,
offered by the college, and accomplish the goal. These examples are a
small fraction of how stress and other emotions linked to stress can be
manages. Tim O’Brien, author of The Things They Carried, illustrates
how these options were unavailable to the American soldiers fighting in
the Vietnam War. The men of Alpha Company were exposed to conditions
that affected them both mentally and physically, which heightened the
level of their own uncertainties. The men were forced to rely on their
own creativity in order to survive from day to day. The novel
illustrates how they coped with the pressures of war by carrying
personal things, retaliating against the enemy and humor. |
Revision
Americans
have many resources to cope with personal or interpersonal problems. A
quick web search will call up counselors and support groups for all
kinds of griefs. I used to scoff at such programs until I was faced
with the sudden death of my husband. The overwhelming feeling of
loneliness was impossible to overcome: I felt numb. After trying to
manage my sorrow alone, a friend suggested a bereavement group, and I
reluctantly signed up to attend a local session. Surprisingly, Walking
into a room filled with people that shared these depressing emotions,
was comforting, in a morbid sort of way. After listening to others
describe their experience I felt less lonely. There is comfort knowing
that a person is not alone in the battle to find peace within. I began
to realize the importance of developing coping mechanism to traumatic
events. Unfortunately, not everyone can get to a therapy group.
For instance, the soldiers in Tim O’Brien's The Things They Carried illustrate
what can happen to soldiers who don't have the option of therapy
sessions. The men of Alpha Company were exposed to conditions that
affected them both mentally and physically and heightened their
own insecurities. The men were forced to rely on their own creativity
in order to survive from day to day. The novel illustrates how they
coped with the pressures of war by carrying personal things,
retaliating against the enemy, and humor. |
In an essay titled "The Truth about Stories," Alison used events currently in the news to help readers identify with her topic:
Remember
the recent sniper scare in the Maryland area and all the false
information that surfaced? Was it a white van? A terrorist? No one
knew, but we remained glued to our television sets to find out the
latest rumor the media was happy broadcast. The truth is people were
scared, and although not all of stories which dealt with the story were
accurate, people heavily relied on them for their own comfort and
version of the truth. It seems that even when dealing with facts,
people need and desire stories to help them cope with reality. In his
novel The Things They Carried, Tim O'Brien takes a similar
view of stories. His novel says that stories, such as the ones that
were exposed during the sniper attacks, help individuals manage their
present lives by comforting them when there is a lack of information,
enabling them to remember others who may be dead or alive, and by
allowing past situations to be applied to their current and future
lives. |
While the
intro is now a bit dated, using current events can be a way to ease
readers into your topic by providing a basis for comparison that they
may be familiar with.
Joni, as you'll see below, took a different approach with her intro.
She took the idea of magic and worked with it to fashion an intro that
pulls readers in.
Do You See What I See?
The
world of magic is shrouded in mystery and deception. The magician
performs a trick and the audience marvels, "How'd he do that?"
The magician is the master of deception. He can make the audience
believe that what they are watching is truly happening. The audiences'
eyes witnessed the trick. Each person, though, will
perceive the illusion differently, wondering if is it real or
not. It will depend on their unique "angle of
vision"(O'Brien 71), whether they will be misled. A good magician
never reveals his secret. Even after the audience has witnessed
the trick, they are left to doubt whether it was real because it
was left unexplained. After all, the object of a good magician is
to leave the audience in a true state of unbelievable suspense.
This object is certainly what author,
Tim O'Brien, magician of words, is conveying to the readers of
his book, The Things They Carried.
Even though his book is fictional, he leaves his audience wondering if
the stories in his book are really true. He tells his readers, "This is
true"(67), yet later writes "Almost everything [. . .] is
invented"(179). This constant tug-of-war between truth and
fiction is what keeps the audience engaged. Maria Bonn
acknowledges this concept in O'Brien's fiction, writing that "All of
the literary tricks are part of the mystery and ambiguity that O'Brien
purposely cultivates about his life and writing. He wants readers
to be uncertain about the book"(174). Through the magical use of
his words, O'Brien persuades his readers into believing that the truth
is ambiguous. The author uses the different definitions of
ambiguous to cleverly show that truth is: 1. doubtful and
uncertain 2. inexplicable 3. capable of being understood in
two or more possible senses.
|
And finally, Helen Stafford came up with a novel way to refer to her general topic, truth in Things They Carried, in her introduction.
Courtroom
dramas are among my favorite television shows. A basic tenet of these
shows is for witnesses to "swear to tell the whole truth and nothing
but the truth," yet accounts of an event can vary as much as the
witnesses themselves. The jury's decision regarding guilt or innocence
is then based on whose "truth" is believed. And in a trial, the truth
is absolute: a guilty verdict can mean death. However, the
circumstances surrounding that absolute are subject to many
interpretations. Was the perpetrator dark haired and wearing a green
jacket, as witness Smith described him? Or should witness Jones's
account of a sandy-haired man wearing a navy jacket be taken as the
"truth?" The difference between Smith's and Jones's testimony suggests
that instead of being an absolute, truth is perception. This belief in
truth as a construct is central to Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carry.
Throughout the novel, he explores this idea of truth as perception by
repetition, distinguishing between different kinds of truth, and by
showing how easily people are misled by fiction. |
This kind of introduction eases you into the topic, resulting in a very satisfying read.
Adding sources/Explaining your points
- Where could I add a secondary source? See Alison, Lisa and Jackie below
- Where could I smooth out introduction of source? See incorporating quotations.
- Which paragraph needs framing/defining a term to set up the argument that follows? See " Joking
is an effective coping mechanism because 'it is a potent agent for
psychological removal from stressful situations' (Henman 87)" from Jackie's paragraph below.
- Does my paragraph need closure? See endings of Lisa's and Jackie's paragraphs (particularly the second paragraph).
Alison did a good job here incorporating a quote by Steven Kaplan
regarding the novel, and, in particular, explaining how the novel
proved her argument.
In
addition to reliving such events and remembering individuals, one can
use these memories to gain insight of his or her present life. In
fact, this is what O'Brien does by writing his stories. As the
critic Steven Kaplan notes, "a main theme of O'Brien's writings is that
people create and live their lives with the help of memory and
imagination. O'Brien does not just write stories: he believes
that stories are a vital part of human existence" (9). This idea
is what sets the narrator apart from a character named Norman Bowker
who took his own life due to the stresses of war. Throughout the
novel, the narrator mentions several times that he is a writer now and
by being a writer he can write stories. He opposed being at war
and by writing stories and remembering various events, he is able to
cope with his war experience. It is this type of coping mechanism
that enables a person to reflect on the past to better the present and
ultimately strengthen his or her "human existence."
O'Brien further supports this idea when he discusses all the things
Bowker would say if he were alive. If he had not taken his own
life, he would have so much to talk about, and would have saved himself
from self-destruction. For instance, he would have boasted about
his awards. O'Brien mentions that "the ribbons looked good on the
uniform in his closet, and if his father were to ask, he would've
explained what each signified and how he was proud of all of them"
(141). If Bowker had the chance to write or even tell stories,
some of them would include his recognition for the duties that he
performed. Although the war experience was gruesome, he could be
"proud" that he did his duty. In this sense, it would have
enhanced his "human" condition by allowing him to deal with the war
experience rather than letting it destroy him. |
Lisa shows that often non-literary sources can be used to prove your point.
Psychologically,
what caused Bowker to be eaten alive was his shame. From a
psychological stance, "People who feel shame perceive that they have
failed to meet certain standards of conduct. Their failure may be moral
or it may center around their incompetence or faults"(Vangelisti 603).
Bowker felt that he failed in Vietnam. He failed to save his comrade's
life and he failed to get a better medal than the seven he already had.
He felt everything was his fault and was ashamed. Psychologists say
that,
When
people feel shame, they are conscious of being critically observed.
They perceive they are being scrutinized and evaluated -- others are
all too aware of their flaws. Those who feel shame often want to hide
or disappear. If one focuses on the self as a bad person who is
evaluated as such by others, then the only recourse is to die,
disappear, or at least withdraw from evaluating others. (Vangelisti
603)
Bowker
cannot deal with his faults and it shames him to imagine what other
people will think of his faults. He can not cope with the burden of
shame and decides to die, or "disappear," by committing suicide.
O'Brien
argues that story telling is a way of avoiding this kind of shame. He
writes that "By telling stories, you objectify your own experience. You
separate it from yourself"(158). He suggests here that Bowker would
have been able to justify and make better sense of his experience with
stories. They would allow him to "separate" them from himself -- get
them off his chest and liberate him from their emotional gravity. It
would have helped him overcome what is called "post-Vietnam syndrome,"
which is classified under post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) (Figley
528). Charles Figley notes that this syndrome results from exposure to
any life threatening event such as war. The stress that is associated
with the traumatic event and experienced well afterwards is
post-traumatic stress(528). He adds that "trauma causes emotional
tension until it is dislodged or discharged" (529). If Bowker had the
courage to "dislodge" the tension – or tell his story – he would have
been able to dislodge the trauma that caused him to develop PTSD and
avoid suicide.
|
Lisa
bridges the gap here between the world of the novel and the world of
psychology, helping readers see that the novel is really "about" what
happens after the war.
Jackie, in the samples below, explored the different ways that humor could be used as a coping mechanism.
In The Things They Carried
by Tim O'Brien, the men of Alpha company resorted to different means of
coping. They coped by joking, telling stories, and by fantasizing.
Because
people have unique personalities, they develop their own personal
coping mechanisms. Some people turn to joking as a way to cope. Joking
is an effective coping mechanism because "it is a potent agent for
psychological removal from stressful situations" (Henman 87). One man
who resorted to joking as a way to cope was Azar. This was apparent
upon the death of Kiowa, who was killed during a battle and was lost
in a mud pit. While they were searching for his body, Azar started
joking about the circumstances of Kiowa's death, how Kiowa was "wasted
in the waste" (165) and how it was "a classic case [of] biting the
dirt" (165). The other soldiers didn't appreciate his humor because
they held Kiowa in high regard and they were devastated by his death.
They felt Azar's humor was inappropriate at such a sad time and they
kept telling him to stop with the jokes. What the soldiers didn't
realize, however, was that Azar was using humor to cope with Kiowa's
death.
While humor may seem an inappropriate
response to a stressful situation, many soldier's turn to humor as a
way to cope. This was documented by the United States Navy, who, in
1975, began a research program to evaluate Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder in 566 Vietnamese Prisoner's of War. The study found "there
[was] no more increased incidence of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
[...] in the VPOW group than in the general population" (Henman 84).
The study concluded that the prisoners were better able to cope because
they took every opportunity they could to make jokes in order to cheer
each other up. According to Linda Henman, "prisoners often found humor
to be an effective coping mechanism, a way of fighting back and taking
control" (83), and for the VPOW's, humor played an important role in
their survival. The use of humor as a coping mechanism is widespread.
Humor also was a key factor in the survival of Holocaust victims during
their imprisonment in concentration camps. Victor Frankl, a Holocaust
survivor, stated that "humor was another of the soul's weapon's in the
fight for self preservation" (Henman 86). It "allowed [us] to escape
the confines of the [camp], if just for a few seconds" (Henman 86 ).
When Frankl realized how his mood lightened up after he had a good
laugh, he and a friend decided that during their captivity they would
"invent at least one amusing story daily" (Henman 86) to help them cope
with their imprisonment. Much like the VPOW's and Holocaust survivors,
it was humor that Azar turned to in order to cope. Humor allowed him to
escape from his sadness for a little while. While it may have seemed
inappropriate, it was his unique way to deal with Kiowa's death.
|
The reference to Holocaust survivors works well here, connecting the events in Vietnam to the larger world. See below for wording to use to set up arguments.
Developing Your Argument
This paragraph needs work: why?
In Tim O’Brien’s The Things They Carried love is demonstrated through sacrifice, letting go, and not giving up.
Finally,
the soldiers illustrated love by not giving up. Giving up is such an
easy concept and seems like the simplest way to solve a problem when
difficulties and challenges arise. Many people are so quick to give up
because they have no desire to make a conscious effort and overcome
hardships. Working through difficulties and challenges alone or with
support is the best option because although there may be “pain” for a
time, things will eventually get accomplished or resolved and people
will see that it was worth it. Despite the difficulties each of the men
faced in this novel, none of them gave up. They continued to fight for
what they felt was right and they were obedient to those in charge.
Love is demonstrated by not giving up because in a relationship whether
it is between a man and wife, father and daughter, friend and friend,
staying committed and working through the challenges is key to making
the relationship a success. In this novel we saw the relationships
between the soldiers grow stronger because they did not give up on each
other. When they lost a friend, they did not let it slow them down and
they kept persevering. In a way, they became desensitized to the idea
of death and they carried on about their duties. In the war, soldiers
have duties and obligations that they are expected to keep up with even
during the hardest of times and remember what they are doing this for.
Not giving up when “the going gets tough” is an important element of
love. |
Context
Focus
on explaining how your quote proves your point -- talk out the
significance of your quote, explaining how and why it proves your point
by using
- Provide
context: foreshadow or prime the reader to understand your point by
letting them know what to look for in the quote. Note the difference in
the two sample sentences below.
O'Brien
further supports this idea when he discusses all the things Bowker
would say if he were alive. If he had not taken his own life, he
would have so much to talk about, and would have saved himself from
self-destruction. O'Brien mentions that "the ribbons looked good
on the uniform in his closet, and if his father were to ask, he
would've explained what each signified and how he was proud of all of
them" (141).
O'Brien further supports
this idea when he discusses all the things Bowker would say if he were
alive. If he had not taken his own life, he would have so much to
talk about, and would have saved himself from self-destruction.
For instance, he would have boasted about his awards. O'Brien
mentions that "the ribbons looked good on the uniform in his closet,
and if his father were to ask, he would've explained what each
signified and how he was proud of all of them" (141). |
Analogies
Consider how the following analogies help make an idea/argument clearer.
This grief is similar to the pain experienced by the surviving member of a close couple. |
Much like the VPOW's and Holocaust survivors, it was humor that Azar turned to in order to cope. |
The
novel shows that in times of war and heavy stress people cope by using
a complicated mechanism like excessive drug use. Like adding ice to tea
that's too hot, marijuana and tranquilizers can dilute the effects of
anxiety and nervousness, making a stressful situation less tense. |
[
. . . ] Through repetition, O’Brien wants readers to engage in his
stories and start to obsess over them, and to keep looking forward to
hearing what else happened in the same story each time. By
telling the same story multiple times O’Brien is trying to create new
meanings and purposes for them. Repetition is also used in media
to get people to remember their stories or news. For example, GEICO car
insurance uses the catchy slogan, “Fifteen minutes could save you
fifteen percent or more on car insurance.” It is questionable whether
or not people will save that percentage of money off their insurance,
but through the repetition of those words, people will just assume that
it is true without any evidence and call the car insurance to check the
rates. If a history report repeats the same event multiple times, it
doesn’t necessarily mean it is true but it gives individuals false
evidence and helps them assume that the information or events
talked about are factual and have taken place. |
Historical Connections
- Humor also was a key factor in the survival of Holocaust victims during their imprisonment in concentration camps.
Contrast or comparison
Rhetorical Arguments: Using Words and Patterns to Make Your Points
- "If . . . then" sentence patterns
- If Bowker had been able to tell his story, then he may not have hanged himself in the YMCA.
- Definitions of word
Try using a verb from the following list to shift into argument
agree
argue
believe
charge
claim
comment |
conclude
consider
criticize
declare
describe
define |
discover
emphasize
explain
feels
illustrate
imply |
indicate
reinforce
reveals
shows
suggests
supports |
Sample sentences which follow these patterns include
This ____ suggests that _______
They indicate the ____
This emphasis on finding ______ suggests that ___________
Connected to this ____ is the notion _______.
By explaining _____, the _______ is reinforced/clarified/revealed.
The connotations of ____ suggest/illustrates/reveals that _______.
The literary critic ____ argues that this _____ is crucial. He/she writes that ___
Supporting this idea of the war as an oppressive force, the narrator adds __________
The description reinforces the idea that ______. |
Note
how these sentences often refer back to a point and then use a verb
from the list to advance and build an argument. The verbs from the list
encourage you to ask a "how" or "why" question, which often leads to an
argument.
Making Arguments: Paragraph: for second Revision class Revise each body paragraph checking for these points:
- Does
topic sentence refer clearly back to thesis and division? If your
thesis is uncertainty of history and a division is truth is based on
perception, your topic sentence could read:
O'Brien's questioning of history is seen in his belief that truth is perception.
- Does
paragraph "frame" the argument or point of paragraph by defining the
division/point? Students often use secondary sources for this.
For
example, in a paragraph about how joking helps with coping, is there
info on how, in general, joking helps people cope early in the
paragraph? Consider the following example:
Because
people have unique personalities, they develop their own personal
coping mechanisms. Some people turn to joking as a way to cope. Joking
is an effective coping mechanism because "it is a potent agent for
psychological removal from stressful situations" (Henman 87).
- Is there context to set up the quote? Do readers know what to look for in the quote before they even get to it?
While they were searching for his body, Azar started
joking about the circumstances of Kiowa's death, how Kiowa was "wasted
in the waste" (165) and how it was "a classic case [of] biting the
dirt" (165).
- Try
using one of the ideas under "Developing an argument" to explain your
quote: remember that the goal is to get readers to understand why
you're using this particular quote and how it proves the argument
you're making in the paragraph.
- Try repeating a particular word from the quote in your explanation to tie it back and keep you and reader focused on argument.
O'Brien
argues that story telling is a way of avoiding this kind of shame. He
writes that "By telling stories, you objectify your own experience. You
separate it from yourself"(158). He suggests here that Bowker would
have been able to justify and make better sense of his experience with
stories. They would allow him to "separate" them from himself -- get
them off his chest and liberate him from their emotional gravity.
- Conclusions: wrap up paragraph/division by going back to main point of paragraph/division.
While humor may seem an inappropriate
response to a stressful situation, many soldier's turn to humor as a
way to cope. This was documented by the United States Navy, who, in
1975, began a research program to evaluate Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder in 566 Vietnamese Prisoner's of War. The study found "there
[was] no more increased incidence of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
[...] in the VPOW group than in the general population" (Henman 84).
The study concluded that the prisoners were better able to cope because
they took every opportunity they could to make jokes in order to cheer
each other up. According to Linda Henman, "prisoners often found humor
to be an effective coping mechanism, a way of fighting back and taking
control" (83), and for the VPOW's, humor played an important role in
their survival. The use of humor as a coping mechanism is widespread.
Humor also was a key factor in the survival of Holocaust victims during
their imprisonment in concentration camps. Victor Frankl, a Holocaust
survivor, stated that "humor was another of the soul's weapon's in the
fight for self preservation" (Henman 86). It "allowed [us] to escape
the confines of the [camp], if just for a few seconds" (Henman 86 ).
When Frankl realized how his mood lightened up after he had a good
laugh, he and a friend decided that during their captivity they would
"invent at least one amusing story daily" (Henman 86) to help them cope
with their imprisonment. Much like the VPOW's and Holocaust survivors,
it was humor that Azar turned to in order to cope. Humor allowed him to
escape from his sadness for a little while. While it may have seemed
inappropriate, it was his unique way to deal with Kiowa's death.
Proofreading
One
of the keys of proofreading is clearing the "flow" of the paragraph.
One way to get this cohesion is to use repetition between sentences: (see Transitions).
Transition words ("this")
Setting up quotes (see Joni's paragraphs -- "This was apparent" and "The use of humor as a coping mechanism is widespread.") Link to cute cartoon on a question from the Editing Checklist.
Example of proofreading: My Bleeped Up Brin 27.50 to “Blips on the Brain” – examples of proofreading errors.
|