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Revision and Proofreading

You'll find here a variety of suggestions and student writing samples. Use them as a guide for your revision and as examples of writing to strive for -- or avoid.

Note: the samples were extensively revised by the students before submission -- this is what your own essay can look like, not how it reads after a single draft.

Quick Tips | Organization | Topic Sentences | Argument | Context | Transitions | Introductions | Adding Sources | Odds and Sods | Avoiding Plagiarism

Quick Tips
Tip 1: Revise in Stages
One method that I stress in my composition courses is to revise in stages. 

The best technique?  Revise one paragraph at a time.

Tip 2: Sources and Documentation
As the assignment sheet clearly states, you’ll be using the college databases and the secondary sources page for your sources.  No Sparknotes or other sources from the "open web" will be allowed without checking with me first.  If you decide to include such "open web" sources in your essay, you haven’t fulfilled the source requirements and the highest grade you can earn is a "D."  It’s your call (and every year, at least one student seems to be satisfied with a "D" -- go figure).  Questions about sources? That’s what I’m here for.

You’ll probably have to read several essays or sections of books before you find the source you need -- and remember that psychology, anthropology and history textbooks make great sources.

I expect that you will correctly document your sources -- and I expect that if you have any questions, you’ll check with me.  Be VERY careful of not using quotation marks or not including sources -- these are two of the main reasons for F grades on research papers.  I’m not trying to scare anyone, but from experience, I know these are two problems on this assignment.

Remember that you need to correctly cite your works cited page as well.  Use the Citing Sources link for particulars and see below for more specifics on using sources.

Tip 3: Word Lists
Whenever I’m working on an essay, I make a list of words associated with the topic/divisions and keep it beside me as I write.  This keeps me focused on the material and reminds me to remind the reader of my topic.

One example from your essays?  Okay, if you're writing about alienation in The Metamorphosis, you might use words such as "isolation," "separation," "apart," "alone."  What you’ll do (because you like to follow my suggestions) is develop a list of words and phrases that are associated with with one of your divisions (synonyms, allusions, etc.), and use them throughout your essay.

Tip 4: Definitions
Be aware that readers may not understand a particular word as you do.  Thus, you often need to explain or define (in your words) the meaning of a word in a division.  For instance, in an essay on Pirandello which discusses how he questions our word-based reality, you’ll have to explain, in general, how words create/suggest reality before launching into Pirandello’s questioning of words.

Tip 5: Real Life
As you have seen in our class discussions, connecting the events or ideas in the story to the joys and hazards of everyday life can make what seemed opaque, clear.  Remember to bring in comparisons with "real life" whenever possible to help explain your points.

Organization
Organization guides readers through your essay, transforming the rich -- but jumbled -- array of thoughts and arguments in your head into a logical flow that another person can follow and nod along with as they read.

Look for the following when revising to clarify your organization:

• Clear thesis and divisions
• Clear topic sentences with repetition of division word (see below for example)
• Repetition of division word within paragraph
• You could also develop list of synonyms connected to division work. For instance, in a paragraph discussing an oppressive society, you could use words like "suppress," "control," "hold back," etc. to keep readers focused on your main point.
• Break divisions into two paragraphs?

Below you'll find a thesis statement and body paragraphs from a student essay.

Thesis

Body Paragraphs: note repetition of key words throughout each paragraph.

Revising Topic Sentences
Topic sentences serve two purposes: 1) they refer back to your divisions, guiding the reader through your essay; and 2) they set up and focus the individual arguments in your paragraphs which will prove the validity of your thesis. It's time to move from the basic sentence to crafting more artful and engaging beginnings to your paragraphs.

Consider the following thesis and basic and revised topic sentences:

Thesis

Topic sentence for division one of thesis
Rough Draft

Final Draft

Topic sentences often need to be revised as you develop and extend your argument -- try to break up explanation of each division over several paragraphs (see example in Organization section above).

Context

This serves two purposes: 1) it sets up your point/argument by telling the reader why you're bringing up a particular source or quote, and 2) it gives the reader information to help identify the speaker or place the speaker or example in the given work.

For example, if using a quote from Madame Bovary you might write

Notice that the first sentence prepares readers for the quote itself: it let's us know that the quote will show manipulation and greed. This context helps readers by letting readers better understand (and thus agree with) your argument by framing it in a manner so they can understand it. By setting up your example so clearly, your argument flows logically from your example and explanation leaving the reader with a satisfied "Ahhh" as opposed to a befuddled "huh?"

The set-up noted above could result in an explanation/argument sentence like this:

Together, they would form the beginnings of a good paragraph.

Transitions

Let's start with an example

Another way O'Brien shows truth is what is remembered and imagined is that imagination can be an extremely powerful aspect of a story. O'Brien insists that the unimaginable aspects of a story is the "truth" and the normal aspects are there to make the story believable. Since the war was so reluctant normal ideas are necessary to a story. "Often the crazy stuff is true and the normal stuff isn't, because the normal stuff is necessary to make you believe the truly incredible craziness" (O'Brien 71). In fundamental nature it would be difficult to believe a war story unless there are practical characteristics that go collectively in the story. In truth nothing really has to be true, however, in essence these actions may have happened one time or another during the way, it may not have been O'Brien's platoon but somewhere during the war these instances happened. "Tim O'Brien takes the act of trying to reveal and understand the uncertainties about the war one step further, by looking at it through the imagination" (Kaplan 383). According to O'Brien, these aspects are very well needed to make people feel the real drama of the war.

While the point of this paragraph is kinda/sorta clear, can you follow the writer's argument? I couldn't. The reason? Too many jumps in topic and not enough repetition.

How to Make a Paragraph "Stick" Together

Remember that when moving from sentence to sentence, readers must be able to follow your logic. This is accomplished by using transitions. The "This" in the previous sentence illustrates one way of knitting together your thinking/writing -- and is an important word to keep in mind. By referring back to "follow your logic," the "This" acts as a bridge, a connection between the two points you're making in your sentences. Another way to make a connection is to use words like "another" (for a list of such words, see below). Connections can also be made by repetition, as in this sentence where I repeat the word "connection" from the previous sentence. Using repetition and transition words keep readers focused on the main topic of your paragraph/idea, which in turn makes it easier for readers to follow your logic.

By now you should be wondering, "well, how do I come up with effective transitions?" Easy. Working one paragraph at a time, develop/brainstorm a list of synonyms or words/phrases associated with the focus of that paragraph (Example? In a paragraph on "coping" you might include words like settle, satisfied, adapt, make adjustments, psychological, change etc.). Keep this list handy as you revise /proofread , and be sure to insert these words throughout the paragraph.

List of Transition Words (from Rules of Thumb):

Adding a point : furthermore, besides, finally, in addition to
Emphasis : above all, indeed, in fact, in other words, most important
Time : then, afterwards, eventually, next, immediately, meanwhile, previously, already, often, since then, now, later, usually
Cause and Effect : as a result, therefore, thus
Examples : for example, for instance
Contrast : but, however, in contrast, instead, nevertheless, on the other hand, though, still, unfortunately Similarity : like, also, likewise, similarly, as

Transitions between paragraphs

Between paragraphs, the best technique is to repeat a word or idea from the previous paragraph. As usual, this is best illustrated with an example. Take a look at the following:

Without even reading the previous paragraph , you can tell the subject of it was Emma's romantic ideals. That's the advantage of repetition between paragraphs: you keep reminding the reader of your focus which means you keep reminding the reader of your argument, which means you keep your reader happy.

Argument

Remember that quotes do not explain themselves: it's your job as the writer to make your case by providing the reasoning behind your decision to include a particular quote.

• Provide context to set up your quotes
• Look at the following aspects of the quote
• Figurative language (metaphor, symbol)
• Characterization (psychological motivations of a character)
  Explain how either of these (or both) support your reading of a quote and/or the point you're making in the paragraph.
• Focus on explaining how your quote proves your point -- talk out the significance of your quote, explaining how and why it proves your point by using
• Analogies
• "If . . . then" sentence patterns
• Historical Connections
• Contrast or comparison
• Definitions of word
• Try using a verb from the following list to shift into argument

Sample sentences might follow these patterns include

This ____ suggests that _______ They indicate the ____ This emphasis on finding ______ suggests that ___________ Supporting this idea of a capitalism as an oppressive force, the narrator adds __________ The description reinforces the idea that ______

Analogies can be effective strategies for making arguments, as can be seen in the following example. Try to make a comparison between what you are arguing and a "real world" or another literary example to make your point clear. Consider the examples below.

Example 1

Lori works effectively with Madame's materialism

Where would a secondary source fit in here?

Introductions

If the purpose of an introduction is to engage the reader and provide an overview of your topic, and the purpose of your rough draft was to get your thoughts down, it's probably time to rewrite your introduction. Try the following suggestions -- and remember that in literary essays, you should mention the 1) authors and 2) titles -- with dates -- you'll be covering.

• analogy
• contemporary/historical events
• explain focus of essay
• personal connection

Conclusions? Avoid merely summing up your main points (sure to invoke the yawn reflex). Try to answer or refer back to your introduction -- this creates a kind of "circle" for the reader and results in a very satisfying read.

Student Samples

Divorce: The Eventual Destination for Leroy and Norma Jean Marriage symbolizes a mutual unity of love between two people. Some marriages successfully last while others result in divorce. A newlywed couple begins their marriage with mutual understanding, love, and open communication. As the marriage progresses, small issues arise and often become huge conflicts if left unresolved. As time goes on, these unresolved conflicts lead to hurtful feelings of discontent between the unexpressive couple. A recent letter to The Washington Times from Loriann Oberlin emphasized that "less rancor and better communication skills, empathy and understanding one's own process in the matter contribute to a healthier outcome" (A22). Effective communication can lead to increased mutual happiness between a couple. Unfortunately, Leroy and Norma Jean Moffitt, the married couple in Bobbie Ann Mason's " Shiloh ," did not demonstrate these characteristics. Although the couple had mutual feelings when they were first married, as time went on, their flawed marriage lacked important characteristics. Divorce was therefore inevitable for Leroy and Norma Jean due to the couple's lack of communication, unwillingness to mutually accept change, and a weak, loveless marital foundation.

The reference to the social skills necessary in a marriage help ground this essay in the real world and sets up the thesis.

"Gimpel the Fool": Divinity and the Idiot Throughout time, humanity has searched for divine truths, always confronting the foundation between good and evil. Isaac Bashevis Singer presents us with Gimpel the Fool, a common man with an unassuming simple character who seeks divinity and truth. Gimpel takes us on a moral journey, rising above evil as he creates a spiritual awakening not only for himself, but also for the reader. His belief in belief itself is strong enough that his choice to be fooled forsakes his dignity. Gimpel is perceived as a simple fool: critic Thomas Hennings points out that Gimpel's journey for divinity is as godlike in nature as "a deeply religious story about a man of simple faith who, because of his faith, has a godlike capacity for love" (6). Gimpel, with his simple naivety, believes that deceit and hatred are nonexistent. Through Gimpel's eyes, we realize that we "cannot pass through life unscathed, nor expect to" (1357), however with divine intervention we can become a divine messenger of peace. Gimpel, our spiritual tour guide, leads us through the deep depressions of malevolence and into the realms of righteousness. Singer demonstrates that although Gimpel is not a typical messenger of faith, his divinity is exposed through his naivety, his willingness to be deceived, and his incapacity for anger and hatred.

The background information sets up the thesis and provides the specificity that grabs the reader's attention.

Sources

First things first: a definition. What's a source? A source is an individual piece of research used in your essay. This could be anything from an article by a literary scholar to an interview with an author. Secondary sources is more to the point: in literature, this refers to letters, notes, or journals from the author, essays or books by critics, historical documents, etc., which are used when writing a research paper to support your ideas. The primary source would be the work (The Story of the Stone, The Metamorphosis) itself.

Which Sources to Use
History textbook or book; Psychology textbook or book; Anthropology textbook or book; Sociology textbook or book.

Online databases (accessed by clicking on Library Links from our course site)
Literature Resource Center
Literary Reference Center
SIRS Renaissance

General sources:
Facts on File (mainly historical)
Oxford Reference Collection

Which Sources to Avoid

The example below, from a short story course essay, shows a common problem with internet sources.

This strikes fear in the heart of all readers. Consider the blow to your credibility when readers find that your information comes from "Answers.com." That "thud" you just heard was the reader fainting from disbelief at finding such a source in an academic essay.

Below you'll find a series of revisions from a Short Story class: while the story may be familiar, the writing is very strong, which is why I use it as an example here.

Before and after Revision #1| How to incorporate a secondary source | Before and after revision #2

When revising a paragraph or adding sources, you're aiming for two things: explanation and clarity.  The first, explanation, means adding and deleting sentences to make your meaning clear to the "ignorant reader."  And since all readers are ignorant of what you are trying to say, it's your job to experiment and find different ways of presenting your thoughts on paper (or a screen, as the case may be):  "How, exactly, does the quote from the story or outside source prove your point?" "Why do you include this sentence?" "Where do you address the second part of the topic sentence?" These are all the kinds of questions that will prompt you to add explanation. 

The clarity comes in as you whittle down and starting working on the wording of your sentences and placement of punctuation.  Have you set up the quote with context?  Have you properly cited your source?

Here we have a paragraph that was submitted as a final draft. 

Paragraph 1
Sammy is an everyday hero because his character is flawed. He is not perfect, nor does he pretend to be. Just like everyone else in the world, Sammy has his imperfections. This makes him a realistic hero because he is just that-real. He is an ordinary boy with an ordinary job, but he uses his courage to quit his job for the girls that got embarrassed. He would be considered a hero in everyday life.

What's missing in this paragraph are quotes from the story that would provide evidence to support the writer's assertions.  Without specific quotes, the assertions are just that: assertions.  The moral? Be sure to base your assumptions/assertions on quotes.

Let's look at a revised version of the same paragraph -- which includes an outside source.

Revised Paragraph 1 -- with research added

Sammy is an everyday hero because his character is flawed.  Just like everyone else in the world, Sammy has imperfections.  For instance, his chauvinistic view of women marks him as a character in need of an attitude adjustment.  When he poses the question "You never know for sure how girls' minds work (do you really think it's a mind in there or just a little buzz like a bee in a glass jar?)" (15), it's clear that Updike is fashioning a character who is burdened, much like others, with prejudices.  This shows that, just like everyone else in the world, Sammy has imperfections.  Updike, choosing a first person narrator that allows readers to "hear" Sammy's thoughts, puts these imperfections on display.  Yet it is these same flaws that make him a realistic hero. His heroism is not of the rescue-a-woman-from-a-burning-building variety.  Instead, he is an ordinary boy with an ordinary job whose courage forces him to quit his job because of Lengel's treatment of the girls.   In fitting with his ordinary character, he decides to speak against an action that, as Updike notes in an interview "seems suddenly cruel and unethical," (qtd. Murray 34).  In choosing to quit a job over the treatment of people he does not know, Sammy joins the long line of everyday heroes who stand up for others, regardless of the consequences.

Works Cited

Murray, Donald.  "Interview with John Updike." "A&P." Ed. Wendy

Perkins.  Fort Worth, Texas: Harcourt Brace College

Publishers, 1998.  33-37. Print.

Updike, John. "A&P."  Literature: An Introduction to Fiction,

Poetry and Drama. Ed. X. J. Kennedy and Dana Gioia. 

New York: Longman, 2002. 14-19. Print.

This is, quite literally, a revision.  The writer has looked again at what was written, and made the necessary changes (here mainly additions) to make their point clearer.   Much of the original paragraph remains, but this version is more persuasive because it supplies information from the story, and, in particular, provides a more detailed argument.  Pay attention to how the quotes, both from the story and from the source, are set up with context so that readers can understand why they are included -- even before they read them.

For clarity, pay attention to the placement of periods in both the in-text citations and the format of the works cited entries.

Adding a Secondary Source

When incorporating a secondary source, try following the steps below:

1) introduce quote by providing context -- and be sure to include author's name.

That the lesson Sammy learns comes at a cost is also suggested by Robert Luscher who argues that Sammy is

The word "that" often comes in handy. And remember to include the author's name in the sentence ("You just mentioned including the author's name above." "I'm glad you're paying attention.").

2) include quote

"[. . .] beginning to learn lessons of bittersweet triumph" (30).

The square brackets and the ellipsis dots signal the reader that you are including the ellipsis dots because you've taken out some of the material from the secondary source. Note that period goes behind parenthesis.

3) comment on the quote

It is the "bittersweet" that lends the story its depth, transforming a story about walking out on a job to a story about learning the difficult lesson that standing up for your beliefs is seldom rewarded.

4) compose a correct formatted MLA work cited entry

Luscher, Robert M. "A Study of the Short Fiction." "A&P". Ed.

Wendy Perkins.  Fort Worth, Texas: Harcourt Brace

College Publishers, 1998.  30-33. Print.

Revision: Before and After #2

Here we have a paragraph that drifts away a bit from the topic at hand (Sammy's flawed character), and thus needs work with clarity -- and with correctly citing the source.

Paragraph 2
Sammy is an everyday hero because his character is flawed. Traditionally, a hero is a supreme being who always achieves in defeating adversaries and providing a happy ending. In reality, heroes of such epic proportions do not exist. Sammy is a realistic hero because while his intentions are righteous and he acts gallantly, he still fails in getting the girl. A traditional hero would have whisked the girl away, defeated the defeated the bad guy, Lengel, and become the new and most celebrated manager of the A&P. The flaws in Sammy's character are seen clearly when in sticking up for the girls Sammy falters and instead of saying something great he mumbles, "I started to say something that came out ‘fiddle-de-do'." (18). When Sammy finally makes it outside the girls are gone. Now it is evident that Sammy is a realistic hero because the guy does not always get the girl, and can become tongue-tied just like everyone else.

Revision of Paragraph 2 #4 -- with Secondary Source
Sammy is an everyday hero because his character is flawed. Traditionally, a hero is a supreme being, always succeed in defeating adversaries leaving readers with a happy ending. In reality, heroes of such epic proportions do not exist. Instead, Sammy is a more realistic hero because while his intentions, on the surface, are righteous -- he Lengel "You didn't have to embarrass them" (18) -- his behavior -- calling a customer a "witch" (14), focusing on the girls' body parts -- reveals not a hero but a stereotypical young adult male who has no patience for others and who views women as sex objects.  His flaws are also seen when he tries to respond to Lengel's "It was they who were embarrassing us" (18). Instead of a clever come back, he falters, and mumbles "something that came out ‘fiddle-de-do'" (18). This response humanizes him: we've all had that moment when we need a great come back, but become tongue-tied. These flaws invest his actions with a realism that fits the situation: a young man whose conscience has awakened and who, as the critic Gilbert Porter suggests, "has chosen to live honestly and meaningfully" (66).  In the tradition of the classic unsung America hero who rides out of town, Sammy makes his stand at an American institution -- A&P -- and, according to Ronald E. McFarland, "achieves a certain degree of heroism" (61).

Revision of Paragraph 2 #7 -- with Secondary Source (and more closely proofread)
Sammy is an everyday hero because his character is flawed. Traditionally, a hero is a supreme being who gallantly defeats adversaries. In reality, heroes of such epic proportions do not exist. Instead, Sammy is a more realistic hero because while his intentions seem righteous -- he tells Lengel "You didn't have to embarrass them" (18) -- his behavior -- calling a customer a "witch" (14), focusing on the girls' body parts -- is contemptible.  His flaws are also seen when he tries to respond to Lengel's comment about the conduct of the girls: "It was they who were embarrassing us" (18). Instead of a clever retort, Sammy falters and mumbles "something that came out ‘fiddle-de-do'" (18). This response humanizes him; we've all had that moment when we need a great come back, but became tongue-tied. These flaws invest his actions with a realism that fits the situation.  Sammy's actions reveal a young man whose conscience has awakened and who, as the critic Gilbert Porter suggests, "has chosen to live honestly and meaningfully" (66). Significantly, Sammy makes this decision, and according to Ronald E. McFarland, "achieves a certain degree of heroism" (61), at an A&P, an American institution which symbolizes the kind of mindless obedience that Sammy is fighting.

Works Cited

McFarland, Ronald. "Updike and the Critics: Reflections on

'A&P'." "A&P." Ed. Wendy Perkins.  Fort Worth, Texas:

Harcourt Brace College Publishers, 1998.  56-62. Print.

Porter, M. Gilbert.  "John Updike's 'A&P'; The Establishment and

an Emersonian Cashier."  "A&P." Ed. Wendy Perkins. 

Fort Worth, Texas: Harcourt Brace College Publishers,

1998.  62-66. Print.

Updike, John. "A&P."  Literature: An Introduction to Fiction,

Poetry and Drama. Ed. X. J. Kennedy and Dana Gioia.  New

York: Longman, 2002. 14-19. Print.

Note how the revision both refocused the paragraph on Sammy's flaws, and then added an outside source to support the idea in the paragraph.

Odds and Sods

And finally, remember that revision involves focusing on the reader. Successful revision means continually asking "how can I make this clearer?" "Will my reader understand me here? "What do I need to change to clarify my argument?" I'm looking forward to reading your answers to these questions.

Top suggestion for successful revision? Work on your essay one paragraph at a time. In other words, do not try to sit down and revise the entire essay in one sitting. Break your revision down into sections so it will seem less onerous and so you can continually come to your work with fresh eyes. For an overview of the kind of reading necessary for revision, see Donald Murray's The Maker's Eye. You can also review the suggestions on the Course Documents page.

Proofreading
Often confused with revision, this is the careful attention to words and punctuation that separates the profound from the pedestrian (hint: go for profound). After you've completed your revision -- which focused on adding ideas, deleting wayward thoughts, adding explanations -- it's time to focus on the words: the way that you'll communicate with the reader.

Top two suggestions for proofreading? 1) slowly read your work out loud: if you sprain your tongue on a particular phrase, that's a sign it needs work, and 2) repeat #1 . . . repeatedly. For an interesting take on the kind of attention necessary when proofreading, see Pico Iyer's In Praise of the Humble Comma.

Avoiding Plagiarism

See page on plagiarism for more on this.

© 2010 David Bordelon