First Set of Revision Ideas for Essay #1
As mentioned in class, the best way to approach revision, just as you approached writing this essay, is in parts. Instead of trying to make all of the changes at once, work through the process of revision, first concentrating on organization, then your introduction, and then developing your arguments.
Reminder on sources – you need to bring two annotated sources in to next class. Access the Literature Resource Center from "Library Links" on the menu to the left.
Note on word count: minimum means just that: minimum. Most A and B essays – which is what you should be aiming for – are longer.
Organization
Check for the following:
Introductions
Check for the following:
In the sentences below, you'll find the skeleton of an essay. First is the thesis and what follows are the topic sentences that start each of the student's paragraphs. Two things from this example you should look to include in your own essays are the repetition of the words from the divisions, and that several paragraphs were used for one division. Note, as well, how the rather blunt repetition doesn't seem stiff -- in fact, it helps the sentences stay connected.
Definition and thesis
Like me, the author of “Everyday Use,” Alice Walker, agrees that heritage lies in our family memories and traditions rather than in the items passed down to us. Walker believes that the memories and traditions we obtain from our families have more value than any item we may be given. She shows us this in the story through her views of education, of the Black Nationalist Movement, and through the Johnson family's handmade quilts. |
Topic sentences
Walker shows us that she approves more of the school of life than the school of higher education mainly through Mrs. Johnson. Walker also shows us why she prefers the school of life to the school of higher education through Dee. Yet we see the contrast Walker makes between Dee 's schooling and Maggie's when Mrs. Johnson states, “Sometimes Maggie reads to me. She stumbles along good naturedly” (73). Walker also criticizes Dee 's character when her education led her to be involved in the Black Nationalist Movement. We can see some of the Black Nationalists' ideas in Dee when she goes home to see her mama and Maggie. Through the family's handmade quilts, Walker again makes it very clear that Dee has failed to understand what heritage is. |
In an essay on "Shiloh," another student used a similar technique to organize her essay.
Her thesis statement was
The changes in Norma Jean become evident in her new interests (and attendant energy), her relationship with her mother, and her attitude toward Leroy.
And her first few body paragraphs follow:
Of recent origin is Norma Jean's interest in physical fitness. Prompted by Leroy's physical therapy, she takes a body building class and seems to be taking it quite seriously. In fact, the story begins with Norma Jean "working on her pectorals" (490). During a conversation in the kitchen with Leroy, Norma Jean is "raising her knees as she talks. She is wearing two‑pound ankle weights" (494). At the end of another conversation, Leroy sees her "marching through the kitchen. She is doing goose steps"(494) – an exercise move. Now, in the morning, Norma Jean eats a cereal called Body Builders. By the end of the story, she has quit smoking. Norma Jean seems determined to build up her physical strength.
Body building is not the only new interest for Norma Jean. When she graduates from the body building class, she moves on to an adult education course at the Paducah Community College. Leroy begins to see that "something is happening" (497). Time that Norma Jean would have spent with him is now filled with homework and experimentation with new things. Leroy sees her writing papers and reading books about other countries. She has taken to "cooking unusual foods–tacos, lasagna, Bombay chicken" (498). Strangest of all, she is staying up late when she used to "drag all day" if she lost "ten minutes' sleep" (497). Norma Jean is approaching these new interests with increased energy and enthusiasm.
In addition to pursuing new interests, Norma Jean is beginning to react differently to her intrusive mother, Mabel, who is first introduced through Leroy's new found realization of "how much time she spends with Norma jean" (493).
Like Janet, this student uses repetition very effectively here, making the connections between her divisions and topic sentences very clear. And yes, you should strive for something similar.
Development
Notice, though, the difference between the way this student and Janet developed their arguments. While the latter certainly gets the job done, it is not as detailed as Janet's, and therefore not quite as convincing. The lesson? Explain yourself to death – as a student of mine once noted.
In her paragraphs on Norma's attitude towards Leroy, this student does better
Although we are not told much about Norma Jean and Leroy's life before the story begins, we can fill in the blanks by what Leroy is observing now and see that Norma Jean is reacting differently to him. He comments on the fact that he is alone in the house a lot. When he came home in the past, Norma Jean would stay in with him watching TV and playing cards (things it would seem he wanted to do). Now they may sit at the kitchen table together, but Norma Jean is concentrating on her writing. In the past, "She would cook fried chicken, picnic ham, chocolate pie–all his favorites" (495), instead of the new foods she has been trying. With him home this much, Norma Jean seems impatient with him now and urges him to find a job. She "reads to Leroy from a list she has made. `Things you could do,' she announces" (494). At one point "She takes Leroy's needlepoint and shoves it into a drawer. `You have to find a job first'" (494) she tells him. All this sounds as though Norma Jean feels a certain disdain for what Leroy is doing with his time, while Leroy expected his wife to be happy to finally have him home. Leroy is taken up with the idea of building Norma Jean a log cabin, the home he always promised her. But Norma Jean just seems angry with him when he brings this subject up.
When they talk to each other, they are always conversing on different levels. Norma Jean talks about "the three stages of complexion care," he thinks "of other petroleum products–axle grease, diesel fuel" (491). She talks about the origin of names while "he is trying to get her to go to Shiloh" (499). She talks about what her mother means by the things she says; he says "But she didn't really mean it. She was just talking" (497). Worst of all is what they don't talk about – had never really dealt with – the death of their son "at the age of four months and three days" due to "sudden infant death syndrome" (493).
So, in the final paragraphs when Norma Jean says to Leroy, "I feel eighteen again. I can't face that all over again" (500), you feel a weight upon her and wonder if she is referring to unresolved issues around her son's death. Or, is it that she feels stifled and kept a child herself by her husband and mother? For in Norma Jean we see a woman who, like many, lived her life meeting the expectations of other people – people who, as the song points out, never knew her at all. Yet whatever might be weighing upon her, it is a different Norma Jean who at the end of the story tells Leroy that she wants to leave him – an act that confirms that Norma Jean has truly changed.
The added details here make for a more convincing argument.
Original and then Revised Introductions
My comments in italics
Original #1
Symbolism lays an important role for an author when he/she is forming a novel. Symbolism is one of the most widely used literary tactics for hiding a meaning in a novel or story. In “A Rose for Emily” William Faulkner, the author, uses symbolism to show the withering of the Southern aristocracy. Faulkner does this through his vivid descriptions of Miss Emily's house and possessions, Miss Emily's love interest, and the change in government.
Revised #1
Picture a beautiful rose given to a lovely woman by her one and only love. The rose starts to wither and than eventually turns completely black. An author writing a story may use change from something beautiful to something dark to symbolize the fading of the couple's love. Symbolism is a widely used tactic for authors who want to ‘hide' useful pieces of information William Faulkner does this quite well in his story “A Rose for Emily.” Faulkner uses vivid descriptions of Miss Emily's house and possessions, her personal life, and the subtle change in government to symbolize the withering of the Southern aristocracy.
Better work here developing an idea that pulls reader into story.
Original #2
For walker, heritage, in Everyday Use, is taking pride in where one comes from and she proves this by telling us where they live, what they do, and about the quilts. Heritage is based on appreciation, acceptance, and contentment. To appreciate who you are and where you are from, one must accept themselves and be happy with not only themselves but their family too.
Revised #2
For Alice Walker, heritage in “Everyday Use,” is taking pride in where one comes from and she proves this by telling us where they live, what they do, and about the quilts. Growing up ashamed of your family, or even ashamed of your true self, does not show pride in heritage. Alice walker shows the two differences of pride and shame when she writes this story. Dee and Mrs. Johnson, the mother and oldest daughter, in this story symbolize these two perceptions of heritage.
This introduction could use more work -- it's essentially the same as the original.
Original #3
As life-shattering events unfold around us on a daily basis, there is an increasing need to have faith, and to believe in the very people intertwined in our lives. We search for truth and understanding on the difficult journey we call life, constantly struggling. We struggle to find credibility in everyday occurrences, as Gimpel searched for in Issac Bashevis Singer's “Gimpel the Fool”. Is Gimpel a fool for needing to believe in those around him and using his faith to guide his actions? When a man seeks advice from wiser men, acts with caution and lives his life believing and trusting his faith, he is clearly not a fool.
Revised #3
Events such as the recent string of devastating hurricanes, the war in Iraq and even the events that unfolded on September 11th, 2001, force us to confront our relationships with others. They lead us to search for truth and understanding on the difficult journey we call life. But sometimes smaller, more personal struggles, like harassment from a boss a work, rude neighbors, or problems in a relationship, can lead to a similar revaluation This more personal struggle is faced by the character Gimpel in Issac Bashevis Singer's “Gimpel the Fool.” The story involves Gimpel's search for peace in a hostile environment. The title and the story raises a question: is Gimpel a fool for needing to believe in those around him and using his faith to guide his actions? It becomes clear in the story that three qualities in Gimpel, seeking advice from wiser men, acting with caution, and living his life believing and trusting his religious faith, show that he is not a fool.
Extensive revisions here. The result? An intro that pulls the reader in and sets up the essay.
Original #4
Gimpel, in “Gimpel The Fool” is not really a fool because of his ability to have faith, believe, and forgive others. A fool is defined as one who lacks judgment, sense, or understanding. Although Gimpel is called a fool by his peers, the story suggests otherwise as his actions show that rather than lacking these characteristics, he possesses them.
Revised #4
Many people can recall knowing someone back in middle school that was usually picked on or teased. During those years, I was very shy and quiet, which made me an easy target to ridicule. One thing I never did was open my mouth and talk back to the people that teased me. I, like Gimpel in Issac Bashevis Singer's “Gimpel The Fool” knew that talking back would only cause more problems and make me look like a fool -- like one of them. So I, like Gimpel, quietly accepted their teasing. Did that make me a person who "lacks judgment, sense, or understanding"? Did that make me a fool? Isn't it better to forgive? Although Gimpel is called a fool by his peers since he believed all the lies they told him, the story suggests otherwise as his actions show that he has the ability to have faith, accept, and forgive others.
Again, extensive revisions here. The personal connection worked well as did the shift to the story.