Planning, Revision, and Proofreading Suggestions: Essay #4

Follow these suggestions as you work through the steps of your essay.

Planning
List of planning steps | Subject to Topic | Thesis | Definition Paragraph

Revision
Organization | It's How You Say It |

 

Overview of the Steps for an Essay

1)    Choose topic
2)    Select readings
3)    Read and annotate and take Writer’s Notes
4)    Develop thesis
5)    Plan/outline
6)    Draft
7)    Revise (revise, revise, revise)
8)    Proofread

Remember that this process is recursive: you will often go back then forward.  For instance, while revising, you may discover the need for additional research; while proofreading, you may discover revision is necessary.

Moving from Subject to Topic
As in all writing, first consider your purpose:

  1. Consider your subject from an economic, social, political and moral point of view (see "How Do I Come Up With/Explain Reasons" in I&C)
  2. Divide your list into different categories -- the ole' who, what, why, when, where, how can come in handy here. For instance, if your subject is education, what level could you write about -- college? primary? secondary? How questions lead to causes (how did something start); a why question often leads to an argument (why is something helpful, important, etc.)

These should help narrow down a broad subject to a more narrow topic.

Developing a Thesis
Below you'll find some suggestions for framing a thesis. And no, you don't have to follow this format -- it's for your guidance.
    "My position on ___ is _____ because of _____, _____, and ______"
    "Experts feel that ________ because _______, _____, and _____."
    "The best way to ____ because _______, _____, and _____."
    "_____ is a problem, etc. because _______, _____, and _____."
    "______ is caused by _______, _____, and _____."
    "The effects of _____ are because _______, _____, and _____."

Definition Paragraph

Unlike essay two on the death penalty, readers will probably need more information to fully understand your subject. This information should supply the background information necessary to understand the topic: when brainstorming for this, think of the following questions (which should sound familiar from essay one)

While you shouldn't mechanically list your answers to these questions, having this information "at your fingertips" in your notes will make it easier to answer potential questions from your readers.

Selected parts of this information should be formed into a paragraph or two that will explain your argument. The first paragraphs of the Overview essays or CQResearcher essays offer a model for this.

Student Examples
Robyn provided the following definition paragraph for her essay on American health care:

Patricia Kennedy, in her Points of View article, "Health Insurance: An Overview," defines what health insurance in the United States is. She defines it as "provid[ing] benefits for covered sicknesses, injury or preventative health measures." There are two options for healthcare coverage in the America: private and government-sponsored. Kennedy explains for private healthcare, individuals and businesses are required to pay a monthly premium in exchange for reduced-price medical services. For government-sponsored healthcare, there are Medicaid, Medicare, along with the State Children's Health Insurance Program, which"is administered by most states and provides medical care for low-income eligible individuals" (Kennedy). The caveat of these established government-sponsored programs is two-fold. First "within the next decade, more Americans will be eligible for Medicare than at any other time in the history of the United States" (Kennedy). The second is that not everyone is eligible for these programs. A gap is created between those eligible for these programs and private healthcare.

This gap is at the heart of today's healthcare reform discussions. One reform being introduced is the single-payer system. Under this system,

taxpayers and employers pay into a national healthcare fund, and money from that fund is used to pay for every citizen's primary care, hospitalization and, in most cases, prescriptions. The fund compensates medical providers and hospitals and pays for medical technology, including, typically, a shared electronic health-record database. Coverage may or may not require patient copayments. (Rhea)

Opponents to this system site cost as a deterrent. They say that it would cost too much to provide insurance for everyone. I say it costs too much not to. Not only would the single-payer system ensure everyone was covered; it would cost each individual less, and it would be less of a burden on the country's resources.

On the same topic, Jennie wrote the following definition paragraph: my suggestions are in ALL CAPS.

At any given moment you can turn to the people in the room you are in and take a poll of who is happy with America's healthcare system. With the many different reforms being proposed, it is hard for citizens to really understand what is being offered currently, and more importantly what is not being offered. First off, let's understand what our current health plan in the United States is; only certain groups are covered by the government, while the rest are left to fend for themselves. Citizens who are aged 65 years or older and a few younger disabled adults are entitled to Medicare, which is a federal funded insurance program. Low income citizens are eligible for Medicaid, a government funded health care system available in most states. Patricia Kennedy<<<WHO'S SHE states that "This plan was implemented when the cost of private insurance and medical services became unaffordable to many low-income Americans" (Kennedy)<<<LAST NAME NOT NEEDED B/C YOU CORRECTLY INCLUDED NAME IN SENTENCE. So the extremely low income citizens and the elderly are covered, which leaves the rest of the citizens to cover themselves. Some employers offer Health insurance for a decent deductible<<<HOW MANY?, still though after paying the deductible, co-pays are still expected at the time of almost all appointments and treatments. Some businesses such as small businesses do not offer health insurance plans at all. All of this leaves us with the citizens who are not 65 years or older, are not low income, and whose employer does not offer health insurance. To receive health care on an individual plan is extremely costly<<<WHAT'S AN AVERAGE RATE?, and if a person is working for a company who does not offer it, the chances are they can not afford it. So the people with no coverage at all, are left to pay the hundreds and thousands of medical expenses out of pocket. It's clear that the United States should reform to a single payer health care system because it will distribute health care equally; prepare the country better for a catastrophe, and lower mortality and disease rates.

Note here how the more specific information asked for would clarify and set out the issue in more detail.

“It’s Not What You Said . . . .” : Wording Examples and Statistics

Advertisers know it; politicians know it; good writers know it: now you will know it.

The power of format creates opportunities for manipulation, which people with an axe to grind know how to exploit. Slovic and his colleagues cite an article that states that “approximately 1,000 homicides a year are committed nationwide by seriously mentally ill individuals who are not taking their medication.” Another way of expressing the same fact is that “1,000 out of 273,000,000 Americans will die in this manner each year.” Another is that “the annual likelihood of being killed by such an individual is approximately 0.00036%.” Still another: “1,000 Americans will die in this manner each year, or less than one-thirtieth the number who will die of suicide and about one-fourth the number who will die of laryngeal cancer.” Slovic points out that “these advocates are quite open about their motivation: they want to frighten the general public about violence by people with mental disorder, in the hope that this fear will translate into increased funding for mental health services.

From Daniel Kahneman's Thinking Fast and Slow

So, what do you now know?

For statistical numbers, use visual examples to convey statistical information (i.e. iraq deaths and giant stadium)

Use essays to find other sources (following a footnote or reference)

Revision

As Donald Murray's essay "The Maker's Eye" suggested, instead of trying to revise your entire essay at one time, try breaking it down into parts. Below you'll find suggestions that pick up on this idea of concentrating on particular parts of your essay.

And remember that this kind of revision can't be done in one sitting: break down revision into many different times. Students have told me that it seems to work best when they focus on a paragraph at a time.

  1. Organization
    1. Check Thesis
      1. is your subject/topic/argument/position clear?
      2. are your divisions distinct and workable?
      3. revise for clarity
    2. Check Topic Sentences
      1. Are you following order of divisions?
      2. Are you repeating division word and thesis in topic sentence?
      3. Using repetition for transitions between paragraphs
      4. Where can you divide a paragraph into two parts? 

Final Draft (Revision in bold)

Hedges claims that war is a drug; it has highly addictive characteristics, its user develops a morally questionable code of conduct, and even a distorted sense of superiority, and these qualities are exhibited in The Iliad, and The Epic of Gilgamesh (Hedges 3).
Hedges claims that war is a drug because it is addictive, leads to questionable conduct, and creates feelings of superiority.

War unifies its participants with a common goal, and it allows them each to feel a sense of belonging.
Achilles, in The Iliad, exemplifies Hedges' idea of the addictive qualities of war.

There is no written set of rules for morality in war, especially considering war in itself is authorization for murder, and this faulty system, lacking repercussions, is excessively abused.
Drugs can also warp perception, leading to immoral conduct.  This weakening of humanity's bonds is seen in Gilgamesh and in the treatment of Hector.

Like Gilgamesh, the Greek army, drunk on war, does not respect Hector's corpse.

Another common misconception by both inebriated adversaries in war is that each is doing what is right, when in fact, neither is providing a service of justice. Both parties believe themselves to be “the good guy” and the other to be the human embodiment of evil.
Connected to this immorality is the sense of superority which war provides for both Achilles and Odysseus.

Achilles elevated sense of self is reflected in Odysseus's confidence in planning battle strategies.

In class exercise

  1. Open a new document
  2. Copy and paste your thesis statement and topic sentences into that new document
  3. Revise, following the suggestions on checking topic sentences listed above.

Proofreading

Making Connections: Transitions and Setting Up Quotes

Many students tell me they want to work on the "flow" of their essays. One way of developing a smooth flow is by moving the reader carefully from one sentence to the next. The examples below, from before and after proofreading, illustrate how adding just a few short sentences can help a reader better understand your idea and thus your argument.

The example is taken from essay which argues that suggestive advertising negatively influences young women.

Rough draft: Before connections

The ad almost gives the impression women's bodies were made to be exploited. David T. Kollat is the acting president of the Victoria 's Secret catalogue division. He claims their magazine and company is liberating women. He says their cause is "progressive, socially liberated" and sells "hope" (qtd. in Gross). Lingerie has become a "fashion statement" (Gross). Mrs. Hochman, a middle aged American woman, states "The catalogue portrays an attitude and lifestyle that tells you, O.K., you'll get hugged too" (qtd. in Gross). She also states, "They put blatant sex on paper. From then on you couldn't get sexy enough. It was very daring. It gave women approval" (qtd. in Gross).

I noticed this "approval" (qtd. in Gross) attitude among the girls I worked with. Whenever an employee would show excellence, my boss would give us a gift card to the store of our choice.

After Connections

The ad almost gives the impression women's bodies were made to be exploited. But some would not label this exploitation: they would call it freedom. David T. Kollat, the acting president of the Victoria's Secret catalogue division, claims their magazine and company is liberating women. He says their cause is "progressive, socially liberated" and sells "hope" (qtd. in Gross). And it is not only young girls who look for the "hope" portrayed in these ads. Carol Hochman, a middle aged woman, believes "The catalogue portrays an attitude and lifestyle that tells you, O.K., you'll get hugged too" (qtd. in Gross). She makes clear what this kind of hugging may lead to: "They put blatant sex on paper. From then on you couldn't get sexy enough. It was very daring. It gave women approval" (qtd. in Gross).

I noticed this desire for "approval" among the girls I work with. Whenever my boss wants to reward an employee, he offers us a gift card to the store of our choice.

Note how setting up and explaining the quote made the argument itself clearer. This setting usually involves telling the reader what to look for before you go into the quote -- and then afterwards, you can explain why/how this shows your division is good or bad for America .

Tip for cohesion

Remember that when moving from sentence to sentence, readers must be able to follow your logic. This is accomplished by using transitions. The "This" in the previous sentence illustrates one way of knitting together your thinking/writing -- and is an important word to keep in mind. By referring back to "follow your logic," the "This" acts as a bridge, a connection between the two points you're making in your sentences. Another way to make a connection is to use words like "another" (for a list of such words, see below). Connections can also be made by repetition, as in this sentence where I repeat the word "connection" from the previous sentence. Using repetition and transition words keep readers focused on the main topic of your paragraph/idea, which in turn makes it easier for readers to follow your logic.

By now you should be wondering, "well, how do I come up with effective transitions?" Easy. Working one paragraph at a time, develop/brainstorm a list of synonyms or words/phrases associated with the focus of that paragraph (Example? In a paragraph on "work" you might include words like job, wages, time-clock, employer, employee, labor, etc.). Keep this list handy as you revise /proofread , and be sure to insert these words throughout the paragraph.

Transitions between paragraphs

Between paragraphs, the best technique is to repeat a word or idea from the previous paragraph. As usual, this is best illustrated with an example. Take a look at the following:

(para 1) And that is one of the problems with working a McJob.

(para 2) But low wages aren't the only problems with such jobs. The job skills learned at these places only prepare you for other McJobs.

Without even reading the paragraph 1, you can tell the subject of it was _________. That's the advantage of repetition between paragraphs: you keep reminding the reader of your focus which means you keep reminding the reader of your argument, which means you keep your reader happy.

Establishing Credibility of Sources

Let readers know your sources are reliable by including the credentials of the authors.

New York Times reporter Janet Maslin argues that “______.”

Professor James Brownwell believes “______” (qtd. in Maslin).

Engaging the Reader

Part of proofreading is finding ways to make your essay more vivid, to breath some life into your words. One way to do so is to add sensory descriptions or specific examples.

In essay on obesity, one student wrote the following in his rough draft

And these stores are filled with bad junky food.

What would help here is a word picture -- a more vivid representation of your subject.

And these stores, with their Twinkies and Big Gulps, will only add to the girth of the nation.

The additions work two ways: the "Twinkies and Big Gulps," put a "face" on the junky food, and the "add to the girth" reminds of the result of such foods.

Look through your own essay and try to add specific examples and other sensory description to help readers more readily "see" what you mean -- and to keep them turning your pages with a smile.