Additional Revision Suggestions: Essay #1
As Donald Murray's essay "The Maker's Eye" suggested, instead of trying to revise your entire essay at one time, try breaking it down into parts. Below you'll find suggestions that pick up on this idea of concentrating on particular parts of your essay.
And remember that this kind of revision can't be done at one sitting: break down revision into many different times. Students have told me that it seems to work best when they focus on a paragraph at a time.
Titles| Revising Thesis and Topic Sentences | Subdivding a Division | Defining Topic sentences | Setting up Quotes | Organization Within a Paragraph | Adding Examples | Establishing Credibility | Report Discourse
In academic writing, colons are often used in titles to separate a "catchy" title from a more specific one. See below for an example
A Sinking Ship: Problems in American Education |
This allows you to be creative (in this case the writer continued the sinking ship metaphor in the introduction) as well as clearly stating the subject of your essay.
Revising Thesis and Topic Sentences
The following thesis and topic sentences were fine for a rough draft, but the topic sentences are too repetitive for a final draft. Take a look at the revised topic sentence.
Original
Thesis: The writers suggest that civic education, personal expression, and an ability to conduct research should be the central components of an American education. Topic sentence #1: The writers suggest that civic education is a central part of an American education. Topic sentence #2: The writers suggest that personal expression is a central part of an American education. Topic sentence #3: The writers suggest that learning how to research is a central part of an American education. |
Revised topic sentence
Topic sentence #2: Personal expression, Gest and other writers believe, should be part of the core curriculum. |
Subdivisions (Breaking Up is Hard to Do)
Divisions for this kind of essay can be a bit broad. One way of narrowing them down is to divide them into smaller units: subdivisions. For instance, the topic "Funding" has many components, three of which are found below.
Funding
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A topic sentence for this would first address the broad issue, funding, then list the additional subtopics:
| One major problem many writers point out is the lack of funding for education. They report this negatively impacts schools in at least two ways: outdated books and libaries and poor learning environments. |
In this example, the remainder of the paragraph would address outdated books and libraries, than a new paragraph -- with a topic sentence referring back to the division -- would address poor learning environments.
This is where education discourse comes in. Often, when reporting information, you need to define or clarify a term so readers can clearly understand your focus.
Let's look at some examples.
| Many writers believe that students today are not learning basic skills. |
This is a good topic sentence. But it needs to be followed with a working defintion of "basic skills." What do you/the writers mean by "basic skills"? Answer this question in a sentence or two
| Barber and Moore feel that the commercialization in classrooms is a major problem. |
Again, another good topic sentence. And again, it needs to be followed by a sentence or two of explanation.
As I've noted earlier, an important part of this essay is learning to smoothly incorporate quotes into your writing. A major part of this is setting up the quote for the reader, letting them know, even before they read the quote, what to focus on when reviewing it.
Consider the following examples
Original
| Tough and Idiot Nation explains in many ways that education should be taught at a basic education first so then we can move on and learn more. "Thirty years ago, the United States could lay claim to having 30 percent of the world's population of college students. Today that proportion has fallen to 14 percent and is continuing to fall." (Tough 1) |
Revised
| "Tough Choices" and "Idiot Nation" explain the importance of students first developing basic literacy. The authors of "Tough Choices" report that other nations are now beginning to threaten America 's dominance in higher education. They write that "Thirty years ago, the United States could lay claim to having 30 percent of the world's population of college students. Today that proportion has fallen to 14 percent and is continuing to fall" (1). It seems, according to "Tough Choices," that student preparation for college, or basic literacy, is falling. |
Note that in the revised version, the reader is much more prepared for the quote from "Tough:" they'll know to look for evidence of other countries's higher education. This kind of set up allows readers to better understand the quote because you, the writer, have framed it for them. Work on providing a similar context to prepare readers for your own quotes.
Original
In Michael Winerip's article he talks of Ms. Meier, 72, who is “fighting top down standardization bred by state testing programs that she sees as pushing public education toward mediocrity... We can make city schools as good as good private schools.'' An example used in Michael Winerip's article is a statement from Priscilla Rorie, a teacher at a Boston public school, ''Everything at the Agassiz is teaching to the state tests,'' she said. ''It's deadening for teachers and kids. They follow the state testing curriculum block by block.'' Priscilla Rorie's daughter Julie, describing the system at Mission Hill, says: ''At my other school, we prepped like crazy, we'd take the test and forget it. Here, we always take a step back and look at the work we did. We just don't throw away the history we learned last year. We bring it back.'' |
Revised
| New York Times reporter Michael Winerip's describes Deborah Meier's fight against standarized testing. Meier, principal of Boston's Mission Hill school and an educational activist, believes that a focus on such tests is "pushing public education toward mediocrity." Priscilla Rorie, a teacher at a Boston public school, describes the problem with 'state tests'' (qtd. in Winerip). She finds they are ''deadening for teachers and kids [. . . . because t]hey follow the state testing curriculum block by block'' (qtd. in Winerip). Priscilla Rorie's daughter Julie, describing the difference between between teaching at other schools and system at Mission Hill, says ''At my other school, we prepped like crazy, we'd take the test and forget it. Here, we always take a step back and look at the work we did. We just don't throw away the history we learned last year. We bring it back'' (qtd. in Winerip). |
Go With the Flow – Organization Within a Paragraph
Expository writing (reporting information) has a potential peril for writers (and readers): info dump. By this I mean information from the sources randomly placed under a topic sentence. In other words, if a division is problems with funding, paragraphs in rough drafts often consist of nothing but a bunch of quotes/ideas from the sources on -- you guessed it -- funding.
What's needed is a more conscious arrangement of the information. It's your job as the writer to guide the reader through the information. One way of doing this is to organize around questions. For instance, in the paragraphs on problems with funding, you can first arrange the quotes/information so they answer a What question: what do the writers say about this? Here you would include quotes/info where the writers literally say that funding is a problem. You could follow that up with an example of these funding problems or go to a Why question: why do the writers believe this is a problem? What's the negative effect if this problem continues? What are students missing out on because of this problem?
See below for more info:
A paragraph can follow (roughly) this format
You can break up divisions into more than one paragraphs by providing an extended example of the what or why question, or by addressing the what and why in a paragraph each.
Depending on the focus of your essay (problems, curriculum, or solutions), the questions may vary from a What to a How or some other formula.
The point here is to actively guide the reader through the information instead of just dumping it all in a paragraph.
Phrases, like those below, would act as a road signs for readers, providing the guidance that allows your information to flow smoothly.
This is a problem, according to Moore, because ____________ Gest believes this kind of student/teacher interaction is important because it will ____________ This ability will help students, Botstein and other educators feel, because ____________ Because of this, students will not ____________ Because of this, students will ____________ |
Adding Examples
A major component of writing this essay is providing detail to help readers "see" what the writers mean. The paragraphs below are taken from a student essay from last semester. Note, in particular, how the specific names and examples provide the information that bring this seemingly dull idea -- "innovative curriculum" to life.
The writers agree that in addition to fairly compensating teachers, there is a need for innovative curriculum that interests, excites and motivates students. As Gest notes, "Nothing turns kids off more than studies that seem dull and irrelevant, so curriculum reform is crucial." Principal Sandy Walls-Culotta, Principal at the Sussex Technical High School in Delaware, states, "We were known as the place to send the kids who didn't know what to do, the problem kids" (qtd. in Gest). This reinforces Gest's statement that students need motivation. The Wyandotte High School, Kansas City , Kansas found success by connecting curriculum to changes in the structure of their classes. They began forming "smaller schools" and "schools within schools" that allow students to focus on particular areas of interest (Gest). Gest notes that Wyandotte "produce[s] higher achievers who drop out at lower rates." Krantrowitz and Wingert, writers for Newsweek, also report on this trend, noting that "The idea of schools within schools is not new, gain[ing] traction with funding from organizations like the Gates Foundation and the New Schools Venture Fund." In addition to changes in classroom strcture, schools are working on getting the students out of the school altogether. Sir Francis Drake High in San Anselmo, California encourages students to participate in "special projects and internships" (Gest). These kinds of activities, according to Gest, help support the curriculum at the school by providing "rigor and relevance." |
This kind of specific detail -- and the careful setting up of quotes -- help make this essay engaging and informative. Your goal now is to look through your own essay for places where more specific examples can be found.
An essay like this -- reporting information -- is only as good as its sources. Of your goals in this essay is to let readers know that your sources are reputible. One way to do this is by establishing their credibility early in the essay. See suggestions below for a how-to.
Introduction of essay
Students often include a list of the authors somewhere in the introduction with a sentence similar to the one below. And remember that you must include the author's full name when it is first mentioned.
Ted Gest, the National Center on Education and the Economy (NCEE), and Barbara Kantrowitz and Pat Wingert all agree that ___________. |
In Topic Sentence
Gest and the NCEE both note the problem of corporatization. |
First use of Author's Quote in Body of Essay -- Credibility 101
If you've included the author's full name earlier you can just use the last name. Below you'll suggestions on what to include and a sample phrase which establishes the writer's credentials.
Note both cases, the format is Author's name, _____, <<<NOTE THE TWO COMMAS
1) Barber, describe source's expertise in subject,
You can also just include the title of the essay, but students tell me the author's job/expertise, etc., is often more effective than just the title
2) Kantrowitz and Wingert, state source of essay -- where was it published? ,
Examples below
1) Gest, a reporter for US World News and Report,argues that 2) In their report “Tough Choices or Tough Times,” the NCEE believes that 3) Kantrowiz and Wingert, writing in Newsweek, suggest that 4) Barber, professor of civics at the University of Maryland, 5) Dr. Gerald Graff, professor of education at the University of Illinois, notes that " . . ." (qtd. in Archibold).
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Consider the two paragraphs below: the first is from a rough draft -- and as the heading suggests, it uses more argumentative discourse.
Argumentative
As years have gone by the face of American education has been neglected and has slowly begun to sag with unengaged students and adults who do not care about them. The American Education system is in desperate need of a facelift. A problem of this magnitude cannot be fixed in a one day procedure; the solutions will take years of dedication from the government and people of this country. The education system is so unproductive that “[t]here are forty four million Americans who cannot read and write above a fourth grade level” (Moore 154). So what needs to be done in order to prevent our country from being seeing as the poorest educated in the modern world? The answer lies in more student-adult interaction, increased government funding, and smaller class sizes and schools. |
As written, this intro reads like an argument -- like it's stating the writer's opinions.
The change is easy: see below.
Reporting information
Many writers believe that the face of American education has been neglected and has slowly begun to sag with unengaged students and adults who do not care about them. They argue that the American education system is in desperate need of a facelift. A problem of this magnitude cannot be fixed in a one day procedure; most commentators argue that the solutions will take years of dedication from the government and people of this country. The education system is so unproductive that “[t]here are forty four million Americans who cannot read and write above a fourth grade level” (Moore 154). But all is not lost, Benjamin Barber, Barbra Kantrowitz and Pat Wingert, Michael Moore and the authors of “Tough Choices Tough Times,” suggest that more student-adult interaction, increased government funding, and smaller class sizes and schools will improve the American Public education system. |
This writer just needed to add report discourse (see I&C) to make the shift from making a statement (argument) to reporting on what others think.